The Things I Know(2)
She loved her brother and wanted him to be happy, and yet at the same time when she closed down her phone in readiness for sleep, staring at the same walls she’d stared at her whole life, she was left with an ache of envy in her gut for all the things she’d missed out on.
At times like these her mum’s words, often quoted, sprang to mind. There isn’t anything out there, Hitch, worth missing. You’ve got everything you need right here. We love you and you’re safe . . .
The reminder was enough to make her retreat, wary of the ills her mother hinted at – woeful, unimaginable events that might lurk around every corner for a girl like her. A girl who, according to her parents, had arrived in the world twenty-four years earlier with enough ailments to make the midwife wince. Hitch used to imagine the woman’s reaction, assuming she must have delivered thousands of babies and therefore understood better than most what the perfect human blueprint might look like. Hitch was far from perfect, her development a little slow and her body a little bent out of shape, and she figured that, with all the things that made her different, those joys that other people took for granted, like love, marriage and being able to wear high-heeled shoes, might be a little out of her reach.
Not that she let her differences hold her back, no sir! With her folded hand, it might take a little longer for her than most to grip things, and early on she had had to work out how to make best use of the misshapen, coiled fingers of that hand, whose movements were a little jagged, but she managed. And her foot, arched on to its toes, meant she walked with one knee raised and a wobble to her gait. It made stairs difficult and the muscles of her foot and ankle ached at the end of a long or cold day, but walk she did – miles and miles across the rough and muddy farm terrain, either in spite of her difficulties or because of them, she wasn’t sure. And as for the crude rind of a scar that bisected her top lip, well, that was no more than cosmetic.
Her thoughts churned with what her brother’s great revelation might be. Maybe he was one step ahead of the Buttermores and had a cow in mind that might win her class at the county show. Now that would really be something – to beat the golden family, the smug Buttermores, who, while the rest of them lived through feast and famine, always had enough in the kitty to upgrade their equipment and seek sun in faraway places she could only dream of. She liked the idea of triumphing over them, wiping the arrogant smiles from their faces, even if it was only for one day.
Or maybe Jonathan genuinely knew something she didn’t. Was Pops finally trading in the rusting old Subaru for a newer model? She squeezed the worn leather-wrapped steering wheel; while a shinier truck might be fun, she’d miss this old girl. They had history. Hitch glanced at her brother briefly and then back at the meandering lane.
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Jonathan, you’re just annoying me now! What is it?’
‘Well, if I tell you it won’t be a secret, will it?’ He wheezed with hysterical laughter, in the way those under the influence did over just about anything.
‘You can’t say that and not tell me!’ she shouted.
‘I can’t tell you, Hitch.’ His tone sobered a little. ‘It’s too big a thing and you’d only tell Mum and Pops and that will mess things up for me. I need to just do it – just go! Because if I think about it too much, I might lose my nerve.’
‘Do what? Go where? You’re making it sound so mysterious. God! I won’t tell anyone, not that anyone would be interested.’ The two shouted over the music, the atmosphere still jovial, if a little charged.
‘I promised I’d keep it quiet!’ he yelled, before biting his lip. ‘And I don’t want to jinx things till it’s all sorted. I’m relying on a friend, Carter Steele, a guy I know from college, but I want so badly for everything to be in place. I can’t wait!’
‘So don’t tell me then.’ She pouted a little, properly irritated now. ‘And you’re not the only one with secrets, Jonathan.’
‘Oh, is that right?’
It was his laughter that caused her tears of frustration to spill over. With her sight blinded, she pulled the pickup on to the verge and jabbed the button to turn off the music.
The silence was sudden, sharp and biting.
‘What’s going on, sis? Are you okay?’ He turned in the seat to face her and she sniffed back the sobs that threatened.
‘I . . . I wish I did have a damned secret. I wish I had something going on!’ She wiped her nose on her sleeve.
‘You’ve got lots going on.’
‘Have I? Have I really? What? What have I got to look forward to, Jonathan? It’s all right for you – you’ve been to college, you have friends with names like Carter Steele, but I’m twenty-four and my life is the same as it was when I was fourteen. It’s exactly the same! I’ve just swapped school for work. I feel as if everything is standing still.’
‘I think there are a lot of people who would like the comfort of knowing their life is standing still. There’s peace in it.’
She was glad that her smart little brother didn’t deny the truth of her words, using the soft voice he saved for when she was feeling really sad and he’d do his best to make things feel a little better.
Ignore them, Hitch . . . They’re idiots, all of them – what do they know?
‘God, Jonathan, peace? The quiet strangles me sometimes! And how come you don’t want the peace of a life standing still?’ she asked plaintively.