The Testaments(55)

“Hit me,” he’d say. Then he would brush me aside and punch me in the stomach—not too hard, but hard enough so I could feel it. “Tighten your muscles,” he’d say. “You want a ruptured spleen?” If I cried—either in pain or in frustration—he would not be sympathetic, he would be disgusted. “You want to do this or not?” he’d say.

Ada brought in a dummy head made of moulded plastic, with gel eyes, and Garth tried to teach me how to poke somebody’s eyes out; but the idea of squishing eyeballs with my thumbs gave me the shudders. It would be like stepping on worms in your bare feet.

“Shit. That would really hurt them,” I said. “Thumbs in their eyes.”

“You need to hurt them,” said Garth. “You need to want to hurt them. They’ll be wanting to hurt you, bet on that.”

“Gross,” I said to Garth when he wanted me to practise the eye-poke. I could picture them too clearly, those eyes. Like peeled grapes.

“You want a panel discussion on whether you should be dead?” said Ada, who was sitting in on the session. “It’s not a real head. Now, stab!”

“Yuck.”

“Yuck won’t change the world. You need to get your hands dirty. Add some guts and grit. Now, try again. Like this.” She herself had no scruples.

“Don’t give up. You have potential,” said Garth.

“Thanks a bundle,” I said. I was using my sarcastic voice, but I meant it: I did want him to think I had potential. I had a crush on him, in a hopeless, puppyish way. But no matter how much I might fantasize, in the realistic part of my head I didn’t see any future in it. Once I’d gone into Gilead, I would most likely never see him again.

“How’s it going?” Ada would ask Garth every day after our workout.

“Better.”

“Can she kill with her thumbs yet?”

“She’s getting there.”



* * *



—

The other part of their training plan was the praying. Ada tried to teach me that. She was quite good at it, I thought. But I was hopeless.

“How do you know this?” I asked her.

“Where I grew up, everyone knew this,” she said.

“Where?”

“In Gilead. Before it was Gilead,” she said. “I saw it coming and got out in time. A lot of people I knew didn’t.”

“So that’s why you work with Mayday?” I said. “It’s personal?”

“Everything’s personal, when you come right down to it,” she said.

“How about Elijah?” I asked. “Was it personal for him too?”

“He taught in a law school,” she said. “He was on a list. Someone tipped him off. He made it over the border with nothing but his clothes. Now let’s try this again. Heavenly Father, forgive my sins, and bless…please stop giggling.”

“Sorry. Neil always said God was an imaginary friend, and you might as well believe in the fucking Tooth Fairy. Except he didn’t say fucking.”

“You need to take this seriously,” said Ada, “because Gilead sure does. And another thing: drop the swearing.”

“I don’t swear hardly at all,” I said.



* * *



—

The next stage, they told me, was that I should dress up like a street person and panhandle somewhere where the Pearl Girls would see me. When they started to talk with me, I should let them persuade me to go with them.

“How do you know the Pearl Girls will want to take me?” I asked.

“It’s likely,” Garth said. “That’s what they do.”

“I can’t be a street person, I won’t know how to act,” I said.

“Just act natural,” said Ada.

“The other street people will see I’m a fraud—what if they ask me how I got there, where are my parents—what am I supposed to say?”

“Garth will be there with you. He’ll say you don’t talk much because you’ve been traumatized,” said Ada. “Say there was violence at home. Everyone will get that.” I thought about Melanie and Neil being violent: it was ridiculous.

“What if they don’t like me? The other street people?”

“What if?” said Ada. “Tough bananas. Not everybody in your life is going to like you.”

Tough bananas. Where did she get these expressions? “But aren’t some of them…aren’t they criminals?”

“Dealing drugs, shooting up, drinking,” said Ada. “All of that. But Garth will keep an eye on you. He’ll say he’s your boyfriend, and he’ll run interference if anyone tries to mess with you. He’ll stay right with you until the Pearl Girls pick you up.”

“How long will that be?” I asked.

“My guess is not long,” said Ada. “After the Pearl Girls scoop you, Garth can’t go along. But they’ll coddle you like an egg. You’ll be one more precious Pearl on their string.”

“But once you get to Gilead, it might be different,” said Elijah. “You’ll have to wear what they tell you to wear, watch what you say, and be alert to their customs.”

“If you know too much to begin with, though,” Ada said, “they’ll suspect us of training you. So it’ll need to be a fine balance.”