The Taste of Ginger(42)
That evening, Neel still had not emerged from the room and had refused all food offers during the day. My packed suitcase sat in the hallway, yellow rope tied around it to ensure no one at the airport stole anything from it, ready for Gautam to take it downstairs.
I knocked softly on Neel’s door, and when he didn’t answer, I turned the handle and opened it enough to poke my head inside.
“I’m leaving soon, and I wanted to say bye,” I said.
Neel was lying on the bed with an arm slung across his eyes to shield them from the fluorescent light that was mounted above the bed. He rolled himself up to sitting.
“Any chance you can trade your ticket with me so I can leave tonight instead?” he muttered.
“I’m not sure airline regulations work that way.” I made my way across the room to sit on the edge of the bed. I turned to him and said, “You can’t go and leave Dipti here.”
His face hardened. “Not you too.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “It’s not like that. I’m not sure what Mom said to you, but here’s what I have to say.” I took a deep breath. “After Hari’s wedding, I called Alex.”
He gazed at me questioningly, not having expected the conversation to head in that direction.
“I realized a big part of why I had quit my job was because I wanted to be with him. Sure, I also felt uncomfortable at the firm for all the reasons we discussed before, but the reality is that I’m used to feeling uncomfortable and molding myself to what the situation needs. But I wasn’t used to the empty feeling of not being with Alex. And that meant being with him on his terms, which meant being in New York. No matter the consequences with Mom and Dad, or anyone else, I was going to move to New York and do what I thought I should have done in the beginning.”
“You’re going to New York tonight? Does Mom know?”
I shook my head. “I wish I were. By the time I called him to tell him I was ready, he had already moved on to someone else. I never told Mom what I had decided to do, which in hindsight was probably a good thing since it didn’t work out.”
“That would have killed her,” he said.
I lowered my eyes to the marble-tiled floor. “I know. But being without him was killing me, and I had to choose. But the only reason I’m telling you this is because I know how much damage is done when someone leaves.”
He rolled his eyes. “Dipti isn’t going to run off with someone else. We’re married.”
“I’m not saying she is. I’m just saying that the hole in a person’s heart when someone leaves is hard to fill. It doesn’t go away. And it has the same effect as running off with someone else would.”
“I’ve done everything I can. I’ve been patient; I’ve been kind; I’ve been supportive. But I can’t live in purgatory. Wallowing in sadness has never fixed a single problem, and it never will.”
“You need to give her more time.”
“How much time can I give her? I have to get back to work. What good would it be for me to join you in unemployment? If Dipti wants to throw her career away, that’s fine, but we don’t have the luxury of both of us doing that.”
“Trust me; I get it. I’m about to go back with my tail between my legs and ask for my job back, because even a demoralizing job is better than having nothing. But you can give her another few days, few weeks, whatever it is. Just don’t let her feel like you abandoned her. That feeling never goes away.”
“I hear what you’re saying, but there’s some self-preservation here too. Pree, I can’t sit here in this house and be miserable with no sense of purpose with Dipti at her family’s place and Mom and Dad tiptoeing around me.” His voice caught. “You won’t even be here, and I just can’t handle all that on top of everything else. I need to feel productive so I don’t feel broken.”
I had never heard him speak so vulnerably. I wanted to give him a hug but knew better. It would be the thing that made his tears fall and made him clam up, the same as it would have been with me.
“I’ve never said this, in part because I never got to know your relationship before now, but what you and Dipti have is special. I now understand what made you fall in love with her and realize that it was love, and not just settling down because it was the right time like Hari and Laila. But love marriages are more fragile than arranged marriages. They can change in an instant. You guys are among the lucky few that have a love marriage that fell within the biodata matches of the arranged system, and you have to protect it.” I smiled ruefully. “You have to give me hope that someday, somewhere, I will be able to find that kind of happiness too.”
“I appreciate you saying that. Really. But I’m not sure how to salvage what’s left. And if I can’t save us, then shouldn’t I at least save myself?”
It was a difficult question and a difficult decision. I didn’t want him to lose himself or his marriage.
“We will find a way to save both,” I said, patting his knee before telling him to get some rest.
As I closed the door behind me, I looked at my packed suitcase in the hallway. My ticket away from the family drama. My ticket to getting my hard-earned job back. I wheeled it back into my small bedroom. With a pair of scissors, I cut the taut yellow rope and took the contents out and put them back into the small drawer stand by the window. The only way to get Neel to stay was for me to stay too. I couldn’t save my career and help my family, so I had to choose. I put the empty suitcase back in the hallway and lay down on the bed for a moment. The dogs were back at it behind the house, but I had a feeling I’d have many more nights ahead to get used to them.