The Sweetness of Forgetting (73)

“Okay,” I say, and I really am grateful. Not to him, because he’s the one who screwed up and inflicted harm on my daughter in the first place. But I’m grateful for the fact that Annie won’t have to suffer anymore, and that she still has a father who cares at least a little bit, even if he has to be nudged in the right direction in order to do the right thing.

I’m also grateful, more so than I’d previously realized, to be out of this life with my ex-husband. My mistake wasn’t in letting the marriage end; it was in fooling myself into believing that marrying him was a good idea in the first place.

I think suddenly of the stories Alain has told me about Mamie and Jacob, and I realize, with a crushing clarity, that I’ve never had anything even close to that. Not with Rob, not with anyone. I’m not sure I even believed in it before, so it never felt like I was missing anything. Alain’s stories are making me sad, not just for Mamie but for myself.

I smile at Rob, and as I do, I realize I’m grateful for something else too. I’m grateful that he let me go. I’m grateful that he felt it necessary to have an affair with a twenty-two-year-old. I’m grateful that he took it upon himself to end our marriage. Because that means that there’s a tiny chance, however small, that it’s not too late for me after all. Now I just have to find a way to believe in the kind of love Alain’s talking about.

“Thank you,” I say to Rob. And without another word, I turn and head for the door. Sunshine is standing in the front garden, her hands on her hips, looking pissed, as I walk out the front door. I wonder whether she’s been standing there the entire time, trying to string together words to say to me. If so, I must remember to congratulate Rob on his pick of an intellectual superstar.

“You know, you can’t be rude to me at my own house,” Sunshine says, again tossing her long ponytail back and forth in a way that makes her look like a stubborn horse with a twitchy tail.

“I’ll bear that in mind if I ever come to your house,” I tell her brightly. “But since this is not your house, but rather the house I lived in for the last decade, I’d suggest you keep your comments to yourself.”

“Well, it’s not like you live here anymore,” she says, and then she wiggles her hips oddly and smirks at me, like she’s just said something deeply devastating. In fact, she’s just reinforced my newfound feeling of tremendous freedom, and I smile.

“You’re right,” I reply. “I absolutely don’t. Thank God.” I cross the garden, stepping across the ground where my beloved roses used to be, until I’m standing face-to-face with her. “One more thing, Sunshine,” I say calmly. “If you do anything to hurt my daughter, and I mean anything, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you regret it.”

“You’re crazy,” she mutters, taking a step back.

“Is that right?” I ask cheerfully. “Well, push me the wrong way, and I guess you’ll find out.”

As I walk away, I can hear her muttering behind me. I climb into my car, start the engine, and back onto the main road. I head west, toward Hyannis, for I plan to spend the rest of the day with Mamie, beginning to understand the lessons in love that I didn’t realize I was missing until right about now.





Chapter Nineteen



North Star Blueberry Muffins



MUFFINS

INGREDIENTS

Streusel topping (see recipe below)

1/2 cup butter

1 cup granulated sugar

2 large eggs





2 cups flour


2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 cup milk

1/4 cup sour cream

1 tsp. vanilla extract





2 cups blueberries


DIRECTIONS


1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line 12 muffin cups with paper liners.

2. Prepare streusel as directed below. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, using a hand mixer, cream together the butter and sugar. Add eggs, beating well.

4. In a separate bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Gradually add the dry ingredients to the butter-sugar mixture, alternating with the milk, sour cream, and vanilla. Mix until just fully combined.

5. Gently fold in the blueberries.

6. For oversized muffins, fill each muffin cup nearly to the top. Sprinkle generously with streusel topping.

7. Bake for 25–30 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes in pan, then move to wire rack to cool completely.

STREUSEL TOPPING

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup flour

1/4 cup very cold butter, chopped into small cubes

2 tsp. cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Combine all ingredients in a food processor and process with quick pulses, until mixture has consistency of thick crumbs. Sprinkle over unbaked muffins, as directed above.





Rose

For years, in the darkness of the night in this idyllic Cape Cod town so far from where she’d come, the mental pictures always came back to Rose. Unbidden. Unwanted. Images she had never seen in person but that were burned into her memory nonetheless. Sometimes, imagination was a stronger painter than reality.

Crying children being torn from their dead-eyed mothers.