The Sun Is Also a Star(21)

“Are you nervous?” she asks, when we’re side by side again.

“I would be if I gave two shits.”

“But you only give one shit?”

“Maybe half a shit,” I say, laughing.

“So your parents are making you do it?”

A sudden yelling from the street grabs our attention, but it’s only one cabdriver shouting at another.



“My parents are first-generation Korean immigrants,” I say by way of explanation.

She slows her walking and looks over at me. “I don’t know what that means,” she says.

I shrug. “It means it doesn’t matter what I want. I’m going to Yale. I’m going to be a doctor.”

“And you don’t want that?”

“I don’t know what I want,” I say.

From the look on her face, that was the worst thing I could say. She turns away from me and starts walking faster. “Well, you might as well be a doctor, then.”

“What’d I do just now?” I ask, catching up to her.

She waves me off. “It’s your life.”

I feel like I’m close to failing a test. “Well, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A data scientist,” she says, with no hesitation.

I open my mouth to ask WTF, but she fills me in with a practiced speech. I’m not the first person to have WTF’d her career choice.

“Data scientists analyze data, separate the noise from the signal, discern patterns, draw conclusions, and recommend actions based on the results.”

“Are computers involved?”

“Yes, of course,” she says. “There’s a lot of data in this world.”

“That’s so practical. Have you always known what you wanted to be?” It’s hard to keep the envy out of my voice.

She stops walking again. At this rate, we’ll never get where she’s going. “This isn’t destiny. I chose this career. It didn’t choose me. I’m not fated to be a data scientist. There’s a career section in the library at school. I did research on growing fields in the sciences, and ta-da. No fate or destiny involved, just research.”



“So it’s not something you’re passionate about?”

She shrugs and starts walking again. “It suits my personality,” she says.

“Don’t you want to do something you love?”

“Why?” she asks, like she genuinely doesn’t understand the appeal of loving something.

“It’s a long life to spend doing something you’re only meh about,” I insist. We scoot around a combination pretzel/hot dog cart that already has a line. It smells like sauerkraut and mustard (aka heaven).

She wrinkles her nose. “It’s even longer if you spend it chasing dreams that can never, ever come true.”

“Wait,” I say. I put my hand on her arm to slow her down a little. “Who says they can’t come true?”

This earns me a sideways glance. “Please. Do you know how many people want to be actors or writers or rock stars? A lot. Ninety-nine percent of them won’t make it. Zero point nine percent of those left will make barely any money doing it. Only the last zero point one percent make it big. Everybody else just wastes their lives trying to be them.”

“Are you secretly my father?” I ask.

“I sound like a fifty-year-old Korean man?”

“Without the accent.”



“Well, he’s just looking out for you. When you’re a happy doctor making lots of money, you’ll thank him that you didn’t become some starving artist hating your day job and dreaming pointlessly about making it big.”

I wonder if she realizes how passionate she is about not being passionate.

She turns to look at me narrow-eyed. “Please don’t tell me you’re serious about the poetry thing.”

“God forbid,” I say with mock outrage.

We pass by a man holding a sign that says PLEASE HELP. DOWN ON MY LUCK. A cabbie on a mission honks long and loud at another cabbie, also on a mission.

“Are we really supposed to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives at the ripe old age of seventeen?”

“Don’t you want to know?” she asks. She’s definitely not a fan of uncertainty.

“I guess? I wish I could live ten lives at once.”

She waves me off again. “Ugh. You just don’t want to choose.”

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t want to get stuck doing something that doesn’t mean anything to me. This track I’m on? It goes on forever. Yale. Medical school. Residency. Marriage. Children. Retirement. Nursing home. Funeral home. Cemetery.”

Maybe it’s because of the importance of the day, maybe it’s meeting her, but right now it’s crucial to say exactly what I mean.

“We have big, beautiful brains. We invent things that fly. Fly. We write poetry. You probably hate poetry, but it’s hard to argue with ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate’ in terms of sheer beauty. We are capable of big lives. A big history. Why settle? Why choose the practical thing, the mundane thing? We are born to dream and make the things we dream about.”