The Summer We Fell (The Summer, #1)(48)

And I might start thinking it’s safe to come clean about what really happened. I glance across the table at Luke, his eyes on that photo of me, his jaw tight.

For his sake, I’ve got to hang on to my guilt. It’s the only way to make sure he’s safe.





22





THEN

JULY 2014

T he night before Luke and Danny are due to leave for training camp, we head to the beach to celebrate Luke’s win earlier in the day—a shortboard contest at Steamer Lane that finally got him the attention he deserves from potential sponsors. When we arrive, Luke’s just getting out of the water and wearing nothing but a wet suit, peeled down and hanging off his waist. His body is a symphony, every muscle a separate instrument, coming together to make something so beautiful it hardly seems real. As he takes a seat, I have to look away.

“Someone should call the police,” Grady says, on another of his rants, which are a regular occurrence. “It’s disgusting.”

He’s carping about “the gays” again—the guys who hang at a beach nearby, minding their own business. I’ve never seen them do anything but ogle the surfers and listen to music, but Grady insists it’s a hotbed of sexual depravity somehow. I wish Libby would tell him to stop, but she says nothing.

A joint is passed around. Danny demurs and I do, too, and from the other side of the fire, Luke lifts a beer bottle to his lips, watching me. “Hostage,” that look says. “Ask yourself if this is really what you want.”

I already know the answer to that question. It isn’t what I want, not anymore. I don’t really have the money to leave now, but the bigger issue is I’ve assumed I’d end up with Danny for so long that it’s hard to seriously consider another outcome. We’ve been together for nearly three years, a sixth of my life, and it’s the only relationship I’ve ever been in. Not being with him, somehow, never occurred to me.

Ending this also seems so…ungrateful, after all they’ve done. Thank you for sheltering me throughout high school. I no longer need you and am moving on with my life. But do I repay my debt by weathering something that isn’t serving any of us, or do I pay it by letting them hate me for walking away?

And for better or worse, the Allens are my family. The only family I have. There will be no one to spend holidays with if I leave. No one to worry if I’m home late, no one in the entire world who still cares.

“Luke will care, ” a voice says at the back of my head. But I dismiss it. Luke is off limits because I can’t do that to Danny, and Luke is never going to come find me in LA.

Danny’s telling anyone who will listen that he’s definitely going to be starting quarterback this year and describing his workouts in grueling detail. Libby keeps trying to talk to me about a group she’d like to start at the church for teenagers, suggesting I can do it this coming year since I’m staying home.

I press my fingers to my temples. I don’t want to be out here tonight. I don’t know how I’ll survive remaining in Rhodes at all without Luke. I’d love to tell Donna I don’t want that internship, but she’s freaking out about some upcoming surgery for the pastor to fix a blocked artery. It just doesn’t seem like the right time.

I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will.

Grady picks up his rant where it left off. “I’m sure it’s illegal,” he says. “Public indecency, at least. Who even knows what they’re doing down there?”

“Bro,” Caleb finally groans. “Enough already.”

“It’s in the Bible,” Grady counters. “Leviticus calls it a detestable sin, point blank.”

“Maybe Leviticus was fighting his own impulses,” says Ryan. “If not, he just didn’t know what he was missing.”

My eyes widen. I’ve never seen Ryan without a girl.

“So, you’re saying you’d…do that with one of them?” Grady sputters in disbelief.

Ryan grins, holding his arms out expansively. “Have and will continue to. I love all God’s children, of every gender, race, religion, or creed. I’d let any one of you suck my dick.”

Everyone but Grady laughs.

“Then I feel very sorry for you,” he says, “because you’ll spend eternity in hell.”

Ryan hitches a shoulder. “At least I’m making the most of the trip there. Can’t say the same for you. Speaking of which, it’s your last night here, Danny. Want us to turn around so you and Juliet can be alone?”

Everyone laughs, but Danny laughs the hardest. And then he changes the topic back to fucking football, and his workout regimen.

Luke swallows. The bob of his Adam’s apple makes me thirsty.

“I’m going to have a beer,” I tell Danny. It’s half apology and half defiance.

His head jerks back. “What?”

I sigh. “It’s just a beer, Danny. I didn’t say I was going to shoot up.”

He hitches a shoulder. “It just seems like a bad idea.”

“So does pretending we’re sleeping together,” I mutter, “but that doesn’t seem to stop you.”

I grab a beer from the cooler and walk away. Not far, not dramatically. Danny barely seems to notice.

I take a few deep breaths, staring at the stars, wondering how the hell to straighten myself out. I