The Stranger in the Mirror(53)

As I watch, the driver’s-side door of the silver car opens, and I’m shocked to see Gabriel step out. My heart begins beating faster. My first instinct is to run over and hug him, but just as quickly, my excitement turns to anger. He shouldn’t be here. I told him I was trying to make my marriage work. To leave me alone. What if Julian were home? I think back to my phone conversation with Gigi a few weeks ago and wonder if she encouraged him to come and see me. Before I am out of my car, he’s standing a few feet from it, waiting. Slowly I open my door and get out. He continues to stand there, looking at me but not speaking. He’s lost weight. His face is hollow and gaunt-looking, and his eyes are haunted.

“Addison,” he says finally, stepping closer.

My mouth feels suddenly dry. “What are you doing here, Gabriel?”

“I can’t stand this, Addy. I had to see you. I can’t reach you at all, and I was worried.” He reaches out to try and hug me, but I shrink back. His eyes widen in surprise.

“You shouldn’t have come. You don’t belong here,” I tell him, my voice hoarse with emotion.

“No.” His eyes are on fire. “You don’t belong here.”

“How can you say that? Julian is my husband. We have a child together. This is my home.”

Gabriel looks up at the house and makes a face. “Looks like a prison.”

I feel myself growing impatient. “This isn’t helping anything, Gabriel.”

He looks down at the ground and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I just—I miss you. I needed to see you, to make sure for myself that you were okay. You haven’t been responding to any of my texts.” Then, lifting his eyes to me, he says, “It’s cold out here. I’ve come all this way; can we go inside and talk? Please?”

I hesitate, struggling to decide what to do. I’m torn. He looks so miserable that I can almost feel his pain. “Okay, just for a few minutes,” I say.

He stands in the hallway as I hang my coat and shakes his head when I offer to take his. I’m relieved that he seems uncomfortable in Julian’s house—he should be.

“We can go in the kitchen. I’ll make some coffee.” I deliberately choose the kitchen, where we can sit across from each other with a table between us.

Gabriel puts his coat over the back of the chair and sits while I make two cups of coffee. I pour cream into his and realize I don’t even have to think about it, as if we’re still together. Julian takes his black.

Setting both cups on the table, I take a seat, still feeling nervous about letting him come in. I know Julian wouldn’t like it. “We said our goodbyes already. You shouldn’t have come here. I don’t know what you thought it would accomplish.”

He looks at me for a long time. “I was worried. The last time we spoke, you sounded so different. You don’t look happy, Addy.”

I flinch, hearing his old nickname for me. I’m not Addy anymore.

“My name is Cassandra,” I say defiantly.

“It’s just . . . your being here. It feels all wrong to me.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger and close my eyes.

“Are you happy? Is this really where you want to be?” Gabriel pushes.

I drop my hand. “I’m happy to finally know who I am and to have found my family. You have to listen to me. My memory is coming back more and more. I married Julian because I was in love. I love my daughter. Yes, there are adjustments, and yes, some things are hard. But listen to me, Gabriel. This is my home and where I belong. I loved you, and I’m sorry I hurt you, but you have to accept that you are no longer part of my life, and I am no longer part of yours. It’s time for you to move on.”

Gabriel looks like I’ve just punched him in the stomach, but he has to see that it’s futile to believe that I will come back to him.

He eyes travel around the room, then come to rest on the row of medicine bottles lined up on the shelf next to the kitchen sink. He stands and walks over, picking up one and then the next, reading the labels. He shakes his head. “What are all these?”

I sigh. “Some things to help me with my anxiety and depression.”

He frowns. “Since when are you depressed and anxious? This looks like some heavy-duty stuff. I knew you weren’t happy here.”

My face is hot, and anger surges through me. How dare he come here and judge me? I stand up. “You have no idea what I’ve been through. How hard it’s been for me to be a blank slate. So now that I’m having to relive some painful things in my past, the meds are there to help me. I want you to leave. This discussion is over.”

He puts the bottle down and looks at me. “I guess I made a mistake in coming here. I’m sorry.” He takes his coat in his hands, and together we walk to the front hall.

With his hand on the door handle, he turns and looks at me one last time. “I’ll always love you, Addy. You can reach out to me anytime if you need me.”

Before I can say anything, he is out the door, striding quickly to his car, and a feeling of sadness rests heavy on me. “I love you too,” I whisper when he is out of earshot, and realize that it’s still true. I love him, and I love Julian. But my life is here, and I also know that in time I will remember more of my life with Julian, and Gabriel will be nothing more than a distant memory.