The Spitfire Girls(56)

It had been a momentous few days. What with Ruby’s overwhelming success on her first solo bomber flight and preparing for the official visit, she’d hardly stopped to breathe.

‘No tea today?’

She looked up at Ben, standing over her, his overalls cleaner than usual and one hand tucked behind his back.

‘Did you send those home for your mother to wash?’ she asked. ‘You almost look respectable for once.’

‘Very funny. Now do you want something to ease those nerves or not?’

He revealed a small silver hip flask and held it out to her. ‘I was thinking this would be better than bringing you a cup of tea,’ he said. ‘Although any more teasing about the state of my overalls and I won’t be sharing.’

She unscrewed the top and took a tiny sip. When she coughed he laughed and sat down beside her, patting her back, then taking it from her hand.

‘Why are you so nice to me?’ she asked, studying his face, realising how much she’d hoped he’d find her. She’d invited Ben to join them on this trip, as a way of saying thank you for all his help since they’d transferred to Hamble, and she was looking forward to spending some time with him.

‘Well, you’re kind of my boss, so I have to be nice to you. I didn’t know I had a choice.’

‘Ben!’ she remonstrated. ‘Seriously, why? Why do you even bother with me?’

He stared at her, tucking the flask into a pocket before raising his other hand to her cheek. May’s heart started to race as he slowly bent forward, his lips grazing hers, brushing her mouth so gently that she wondered if she’d imagined it before pulling back.

‘That’s why,’ he said, his voice low. ‘Why else do you think I volunteered to work on my day off?’

‘I . . . I . . .’ she stuttered.

Ben leaned in again, hovering as if waiting for her to push him away, before his lips touched hers, firmer now as he kissed her. His lips were warm, his face freshly razored and so, so soft as she reached her hand up and touched her fingers to his cheek.

‘I can’t do this, Ben,’ she whispered, pressing her forehead to his as she tried to catch her breath. ‘I can’t lose anyone else.’

‘You’re not going to lose me, May.’

‘You don’t know that.’

He wrapped an arm around her and she tucked into him despite her protestations, holding him, breathing in the scent of him and wishing she could stay in his arms forever. How had her feelings for Ben snuck up on her like that? How had she not realised what had slowly been developing between them? And why was she giving in and letting him hold her instead of running away?

‘Tell me about him. Your brother,’ Ben said, his mouth moving against her hair as he spoke.

She squeezed her eyes shut tight and slowly let the words escape her lips. ‘Johnny was a pilot,’ she told him. ‘I loved him so much. He was my best friend as well as my brother, and then he left to fly for the air force.’

She cried then, the tears raining down her cheeks as she buried her face in Ben’s chest, sobbing as she finally let herself remember Johnny. She could see his smile, the glint in his eye when he thought he was going to beat her at something, the stupid way he’d danced with her around the kitchen when he’d told her she needed lessons if she ever wanted to meet a husband. And she saw him in her dreams, distracted, not concentrating because he was thinking about the way he’d left things between them, the things she’d said. She turned to Ben and, in a few stuttering words, described what had happened on that awful day when he left home.

‘I’ve always wondered if I’m somehow responsible, if I upset him so much that he wasn’t concentrating,’ she whispered. ‘Maybe I put him off somehow?’

Ben shook his head and held her closer. ‘Those are dark thoughts, May. You can’t blame yourself, because no matter what happened between the two of you, his death does not rest on your shoulders.’

She nodded as tears started to fall again. The truth was, her fear that she’d been responsible for Johnny’s death was worse than the constant, gnawing realisation that their country was only ever a battle away from being overrun by Germans.

Ben held her, his palm warm on her back as he rubbed in big circles, just like her mother had done when she was a child.

‘I’m sorry,’ she gasped, sitting up and pushing away from him, embarrassed. ‘I shouldn’t have let go like that.’

‘You’ve been needing to do that for a long time, May,’ Ben said, stroking her hair from her face and pushing it back. ‘You should know you don’t have to hide from me. And I’m not going anywhere.’

She blinked away the last of her tears and brushed under her eyes with her fingertips, knowing what a mess she must look. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.

Ben laughed and looked down, gesturing at his overalls. ‘I didn’t even get an hour with these bloody things clean!’

May laughed at the make-up smudges all over his front, then stood, holding on to him to draw one last burst of strength.

‘I need to go and get cleaned up,’ she said.

‘Even tear-stained, you’re beautiful,’ he said. ‘And there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry over your brother.’

‘I don’t want anyone to see my weakness,’ she admitted. ‘I’m their leader. I’ve held myself together for so long, and they can’t see me fall to pieces, can they? I just live in fear every single day of losing one of them. I want this war over with, so we can stop losing good people for nothing.’