The Sister-In-Law(59)
‘Exactly, you don’t know, so why accuse her? And why go on to criticise her for getting upset when she almost drowned, what’s wrong with you?’ he hissed.
‘Nothing… there’s nothing wrong with me.’ I glanced around to make sure no one else had arrived poolside yet. Any minute now Joy would emerge in a kaftan and matching swimwear and settle down on a nearby sunbed and, while feigning disinterest, would tune in to everything we said. I had to get Dan on side while I could.
‘I don’t know why she took the earrings – and I didn’t know about her sister,’ I said.
‘You can see why she’d be so upset though.’
‘Yes – of course, and in retrospect I shouldn’t have said anything about the pool incident, but I just felt she’d made a drama out of falling in, all the flailing around and—’
‘Oh, I didn’t realise there was etiquette involved in drowning. If there’s a book on “appropriate social responses while your lungs fill with water”, I’d love to read it,’ he snapped.
‘I take it you didn’t defend me in my absence last night then?’ I said, trying really hard not to cry, because I didn’t want to distress the children, and because if I started to cry, I might not be able to stop, I was so overwhelmed.
‘Defend you? How could I defend what you said? Ella was sobbing and Jamie was so angry, it took me ages to calm them both down.’
‘Are Joy and Bob angry with me too?’
‘Don’t know, they didn’t say much. They went to bed soon after you. Mum was upset more than angry, and Dad – well, you know what he’s like, just worried about Mum, I suppose.’
It used to be me, Dan and Jamie, but not any more; how quickly everything had changed.
Dan just continued to stare ahead, watching the kids play. ‘We only have a few days left – I just wish you’d kept your thoughts to yourself.’
‘That’s what the Taylors do, isn’t it?’ I said quietly. ‘They keep everything to themselves, brush it under the carpet. Your mum applies another layer of lipstick, your dad ignores it and we all pretend everything in the garden’s rosy.’
His jaw tightened. He was a loyal son and brother, the Taylors stuck by each other through thick and thin. ‘Sometimes we don’t like what we see, and it might not be brave, but it’s sometimes kinder to pretend it isn’t there,’ he said.
‘Muuuummy, come and find us, ready or not,’ Alfie was calling.
‘Yeah, Mum, you said you’d play too,’ Violet joined in.
‘I’ll be just a minute,’ I said, needing to finish this conversation with Dan. I stood up, tightening my sarong around me. ‘I know I probably should have kept quiet, it might have been the kindest – the wisest – thing to do, but I didn’t, that was my choice, and as far as the earrings go, I don’t regret saying something. Somebody had to and you weren’t going to.’
He sat back on the sunlounger and closed his eyes. Just as I was about to walk away, he said, ‘You’re capable, Clare – you don’t know how it feels to be Ella. She doesn’t have your confidence, your strength. That comes with time, so cut her some slack.’
‘Wow, you’ve really got to know her, haven’t you? So you can be sensitive to someone’s feelings! You’ve never been like that with me.’
‘No, because you don’t need anything or anyone – sometimes I don’t even think you need me.’
I was shocked. ‘Is that what you think?’
‘Sometimes.’ He put his hand on his forehead to shield his eyes, now open. ‘Mum’s the same, she doesn’t need Dad – you both get on with things, you have work and friends and a life and you never ask for help. But Ella… Ella needs Jamie, and Jamie likes to be needed. He’s never had anyone rely on him before, he enjoys it.’
I’d never seen the dynamic in quite that way before. Dan was right, I was capable, and I’d always seen this as a positive. I was never going to be a clingy, needy person, but perhaps sometimes my strength and desire for independence pushed people away. Even my husband. Had this contributed to Dan’s affair? Had Marilyn needed him like Ella needed Jamie? Had Carmel made him feel more like a man because she was so needy? I suddenly had all these questions to ask, but the children were now in full chorus, and demanding we both join them for hide-and-seek.
‘You’re right, I don’t need anyone,’ I said, walking towards the garden. ‘But I can’t do this alone – why don’t you come and play hide-and-seek with us?’
He smiled at me, a genuine, warm smile, and when he stood up, he walked over and put his arm around me in a loving, almost protective way. ‘You and the kids are everything,’ he murmured. ‘Whatever’s happened, and whatever will happen, nothing’s gonna change that.’
I put my arm around his waist, hoping he was right. ‘It may seem like I don’t need anyone,’ I said, ‘but I did need to hear that.’
He then announced to the kids that he was going to throw me in the pool, and before I had chance to escape, he lifted me in the air and threw me in. The kids were delighted and came running, all thoughts of hide-and-seek now eclipsed because Mum and Dad were playing in the pool – what fun. I landed with a huge splash to squeals of delight. Laughing, I lifted my head above water, and suddenly I saw her, standing in the bedroom window, just watching. She was staring down at us, unsmiling, her expression something between envy and hate. I looked away for a moment to check the kids standing on the edge, and Dan now splashing me, and by the time I looked back up at the window, she’d gone.