The Sister-In-Law(26)

After the failed date nights, the anxiety and dealing with my own issues, I felt like there was nothing else for it but to give up. Surely life didn’t have to be this hard? I told Dan I wanted a divorce, I couldn’t do this any more. Dan told his parents – there were times when I felt like he couldn’t do anything without his mother’s support or approval – and Joy was round in a matter of minutes.

‘Don’t try to talk me out of this, Joy,’ I’d said. ‘I’m taking the kids – that’s it, I’ve had enough, I can’t live like this. He may have finished with her, but she’s still in our marriage.’



‘Sweetie, that’s nonsense,’ she’d sighed. I remember she was holding both my hands in hers, while desperately trying to downplay my husband’s treachery. ‘I know you’re hurt, but this isn’t just about you, and how it makes you feel – think of the children. Family is what’s important, Clare,’ she’d said. I remember seeing tears in her eyes, and it occurred to me that in the ten years I’d known her, I’d never seen Joy cry. Even on our wedding day. ‘If you left this family… Well.’ She’d sniffed and turned her face away. ‘For me and Bob, you’re the daughter we never had. It would be terrible, for all of us. We’d be ripped apart. Children need their mother.’ At the time, I’d felt so lost, so alone since finding out about Dan’s affair, my friends told me I was stupid for staying, that I should get out, but here was Joy telling me I had a family, and I was so bloody grateful. But since then I’ve wondered, was this a threat of excommunication from the Taylors’ inner sanctum? Was Joy suggesting that by leaving Dan I’d be saying goodbye to everyone… even my children?

‘I can’t forgive him while Marilyn’s still in his orbit,’ I’d said to Joy, who nodded and poured more gin.

‘Don’t worry about Marilyn,’ she said.

I don’t know exactly what happened, but the next day Marilyn left Taylor’s. Even in my anger, I felt guilty that someone might have lost their job, but I didn’t want details of Marilyn’s departure. I was just happy at the speed with which she was dispatched. It reminded me how fiercely loyal Joy could be – especially when it concerned one of her family. I remember thinking, I wouldn’t want to ever make an enemy of my motherin-law.

And now, months later, under a starry Italian sky, I was coming some way to accepting what happened. And with Marilyn out of the way, I was beginning to believe Dan and I had a chance. I was trying with all my might to help the tiny seed of hope inside me grow, to remind myself of his promise that this wouldn’t happen again. This was na?ve on my part I know, but I loved him and didn’t want to throw our marriage away if there was the glimmer of a chance for us. This wasn’t just about me, it was about my family, and there was too much at stake for me to give up… and yet at the same time I was also seeing things slightly differently, and it was causing me to question my faith.

Now, in the dark by the pool, I sat alone, still damp, remembering how earlier that evening he’d kissed the back of my hand when I’d said something funny. We’d posed for photos, and smiled at each other, almost flirtatiously. If I’d been watching us, I’d have envied this blissfully happy couple who couldn’t wait to be alone together. But the reality was quite different, and I wondered if it was all for show – was Dan trying to convince himself and his family – mainly Joy – that the wheels hadn’t come off?

He’d never been demonstrative, or passionate with me, and I assumed that was just how Dan was. He’d been kind and loving to me, but I’d seen something different in his eyes when he’d talked about Marilyn. I’d seen a glimpse of what he could be, and I wanted all of him, I wanted what the air stewardess and Marilyn had seen, not the Dan he chose to show to me and his family. What I failed to realise last summer was that our marriage hadn’t healed, it was a fa?ade of meaningless smiles captured in framed photographs on Joy’s mantlepiece.





CHAPTER ELEVEN





That night, after Dan left me in the pool, I felt abandoned. I really thought he’d have come back, if only to check I was okay. But he didn’t and it made me angry and defiant, so I jumped back into the cool, dark water. I wanted to swim, to hide, to forget about everything and everyone and be alone without any worries, just me and the water.

The moon was high, sending only a spotlight onto the pool, leaving the rest inky black, and deep. I propelled my body through the dark, waiting for the release, the sweet freedom that came with swimming, but it never came. After a few more minutes, I saw the silver handrail glinting faintly in the dimness and I grabbed for it, but my hands were slippery and I fell back into the water. The drink allowed me to relax, to let the water take my weight, and I just sank into it. The sensation was lovely: a magic feeling of drifting but at the same time being held; it was like a freedom I’d never experienced before.

A noise suddenly pierced the watery silence – a rustling in the trees. It was probably just the late-evening breeze wiping some of the heat from the earth’s surface, but I suddenly felt vulnerable. My dress, a pool of silk, lay where I’d left it, when I’d tried to entice my husband into the water. He’d made me feel foolish, but, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t stay out here all night. I had to go inside that villa and play my part, pretend that everything was okay. I grabbed the handrail and levered myself out of the water.