The Secret Mother(17)

I’m too stunned to speak, my mind and body growing numb, like I’ve just been given some kind of paralysis drug.

‘We met over a year ago at my office Christmas party,’ he explains hesitantly. ‘It didn’t start off serious, but… Tessa, I’m sorry, it really is serious now. We’re in love.’

I think he takes my silence as an indication for him to go on. To continue explaining. But really, I just wish he would stop. I wish he would shut up. I don’t want to hear about him and Ellie. About their wonderful relationship and how in love they are. I take a deep gulp of wine, welcoming its ruinous effect on my already screwed-up emotions.

‘I came here hoping we would get back together.’ I manage to speak, but my voice is so quiet that Scott has to lean in closer to hear me. ‘I was going to ask you to give our marriage another go. I still love you, Scott. Don’t you get it?’

But he shakes his head as though he can shake away my words. Words he doesn’t want to hear. ‘There’s something else,’ he says, trying to hold my gaze but ultimately letting it drop, staring instead at his empty beer bottle. ‘Tessa, I’m sorry,’ he continues, his eyes still downcast. ‘Ellie is pregnant.’

I reel back in my seat as though I’ve been stabbed.

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeats, looking up at me now. ‘I’m so, so sorry. It wasn’t planned.’

Not by you, maybe. The poisonous thought flashes through my mind. He’s telling me this thing. He’s only sitting a couple of feet away from me, but already he’s moving further and further from the man I know. The man I knew.

‘Are you okay, Tess?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘No, Scott. I’m pretty fucking far from okay, can’t you tell?’

His mouth falls open.

Scott’s face, once so familiar, is like a stranger’s. His generous mouth, strong nose; the light brown eyes that were once so kind. That gazed at me with love and desire. Now their softness is for someone else. Instead he feels… what? Pity? Frustration? I’m an inconvenience, a loose end. I can see it in his eyes – he can’t wait to leave here. To have got this out of the way. Done. Finished. All neatly tied up.

We tried, Scott and I, we tried to have another child. It was something he wanted, but to me it felt like a betrayal. Like I was blotting out our dead children’s memory. Replacing them. Scott said it could help us heal, that we could pour all our love into a new family. Make new memories to staunch the wounds. Anyway, for whatever reason, it never happened, and he didn’t stick around long enough to see it through.

I can’t breathe. Can’t be in this place, which is suddenly so loud and cheerful. Raucous laughter and grinning faces everywhere. And worst of all, Scott’s unwavering pity. I rise to my feet and glance around for the exit, disorientated, losing my bearings for a moment. Scott is having another child. He is in love with someone else. He’s leaving me behind.

I see now that I’m no good any more. It’s laughable that I believed a new haircut and a sexy skirt would win him back. I’m damaged. Useless. This isn’t self-pity, it’s reality. It’s true. How can I blame him? I let out a loud sob, then turn and flee.

‘Tessa, wait! We need to talk about this!’

But I can’t bear to be around him any longer, I need to get out of here. I tug at the throat of my polo neck. It’s suffocating. Hot. Itchy. Images of him and the woman on the phone flood my brain. I don’t know what she looks like, but I bet she’s pretty. Ellie. I already loathe her. For the life she will have. For the life that should have been mine.

I lurch out of the building. Scott won’t follow me until he’s paid the bill, he’s too conscientious like that. Something that makes me so mad right now I could scream. Well, I won’t be here waiting for him to apologise again. I won’t hang around to give him the chance to ease his conscience. I run down the street, eyes scanning the road for a taxi. It only takes me a few seconds to spot an orange light up ahead. I stick out my hand and plead with my eyes. The cab pulls over and I manage to get myself together enough to give him my address. ‘Fourteen, Weybridge Road, N11.’

He nods and I climb into the back seat.

‘Tessa!’ Scott calls out from behind me.

But I don’t turn around. ‘Go! Now, please,’ I beg the driver. ‘He’s coming. I don’t want him to…’

The driver puts his foot on the accelerator and pulls away. I hope he won’t feel the need to talk to me.

‘You okay, love?’ he calls out from the front.

I catch his eye in the rear-view mirror, nod and look away. He doesn’t press me any further.

Scott and Ellie. Ellie and Scott. Scott and Ellie Markham. They’ll get married, won’t they? Of course they will. He’ll divorce me. I’ll have to change my name back. It’ll be like the four of us never existed. Erased from his life. They’ll be married and have a beautiful little family, and everyone will say how lovely it is for Scott. That after everything he’s been through, he’s managed to find a second chance at happiness. And then they’ll whisper: but it’s such a shame about his ex – what was her name? Tessa, yes, that’s it. Such a shame. She still lives on her own, never got over it. You don’t get over these things, do you?

I can’t lose it. Not yet, not here in this stranger’s taxi. I press my fist to my mouth. I must keep it all inside until I get home. Look out of the window. Look at the shopfronts, at the bars and restaurants, at all the happy people. Don’t think. Don’t think about Scott. About Scott and Ellie and their beautiful new baby.