The School for Good Mothers(83)

One day at lunch, ignoring the counselor’s warning, she sits with Tucker and tells him what’s been happening at home.

“Do you still love him?” Tucker asks.

“No. I don’t think so. I should be happy for him. I’m trying to be. If I was a good, unselfish person, I’d be happy. Do you still love your wife?”

“My ex-wife. You don’t need to worry about her. She’s my family. But, listen, I’m glad you’re thinking about it.”

He squeezes her shoulder. She removes his hand. He moves his right leg so it brushes her left. She becomes wet. She rearranges her silverware on her plate. She can’t look at him. If she looks, she’ll want to touch. If she touches, her life will be over.

“I can’t get distracted,” she says.

“Am I distracting you?”

“What else would you call this?”

He shrugs and says, “Maybe, a romance.”



* * *



Gust and Susanna take the next Sunday call from the porch of their rented beach house in Cape May. Susanna is wearing a wide-brimmed sun hat and a black string bikini that shows off her freckled cleavage. Gust is tanned and shirtless.

Frida vows not to cry in front of the beautiful couple raising her daughter. She stares at Susanna’s breasts. Susanna won’t have any trouble nursing. Her baby will latch instantly. Her milk will be plentiful. She’ll never have to use formula.

Their voices are garbled in the wind. Harriet’s face is sunburned. Her hair sticks up in wet peaks. Gust asks her to say her latest funny sentence again for Mommy.

“The moon is a ball in the sky.” Harriet pronounces each word emphatically.

After Frida finishes applauding, Harriet points at the screen.

“Mommy, you are bad.”

Gust and Susanna tell her to be nice.

“You are bad! You are bad! Don’t like you!”

Frida is devastated and impressed. “I notice you saying you’re angry with me. Can you tell me more about that? I’m here. I’m listening.”

“I’m upset. I’m upset because I’m upset.”

Frida asks more open-ended questions, but Harriet won’t answer. Frida raises her fist and squeezes, but Harriet has already forgotten their new game.

“I want beach. No Mommy.”

“Just two more minutes,” Gust says. “Tell Mommy you miss her.”

“No, Mommy not home! I do not want to talk. That is not my plan!”

Frida wants to say she’ll be home soon. Three more months. One, two, three. Numbers that Harriet knows. But three months is another season of waiting.

Harriet suddenly becomes very still.

“Oh no.” Gust stares down at his lap. “Try to hold it. Remember, pee goes in the potty.” He grabs Harriet by the armpits and rushes her back into the house without saying goodbye, leaving Frida with Susanna.

Susanna takes off her sunglasses. “She must be feeling stressed. We haven’t had an accident in weeks. At least she didn’t poop on him. The book said emotion causes the sphincter to open.”

Before Frida can apologize, Susanna asks if Gust can get some of Harriet’s things out of Frida’s storage unit. They finally talk about preschool. She tells Frida about Harriet’s first-day outfit, the backpack and lunch box she ordered, the galoshes and indoor shoes, the name labels, the family photo they’ve sent for Harriet’s classroom wall. They’ll have to take a new picture with all of them once Frida gets home. Harriet will attend the Montessori in Center City. A few days ago, two of her teachers came by for a home visit. They discussed separation anxiety, how Susanna should handle drop-offs, the possibility of an ease-in schedule. They asked if there were any special considerations, things they could do to support Harriet during the transition, things they should know about the family.

“And what did you tell them?” Frida asks.

“We told them everything. We had to.”



* * *



The parents spend the last week of August practicing anger-management drills. Frida and Tucker are paired together Thursday afternoon. He refuses to take the drill seriously. He wants to use this opportunity, when they’re enveloped by shouting and recrimination, to talk about the future. Where’s Frida going to live? Does she have a place to stay?

“I could help you.”

She wants to say yes. “Please. Give me your line. They’re watching us. Don’t go off script.”

“You’re killing me, Frida.”

“I’m not killing you. Don’t even talk like that. Think of your son.”

“Guilt-tripping. Mommy one. Daddy zero.”

“Just start. Yell at me. Let me have it.”

“I’m a person with feelings.”

“Please.”

Tucker reluctantly begins the drill, playing the aggrieved ex-husband. They progress from initial outburst to quiet calm and compassion.

Frida drains all the hostility from her face and voice. Susanna said Harriet shouldn’t feel ashamed. The teachers needed to know that Harriet will have to miss school for appointments with the social worker and child psychologist. Frida knows the teachers will watch out for Harriet the way they would a child who’s been abused or molested. Susanna may tell the other parents, the other moms. The question will come up naturally. Gust’s ex-wife. Harriet’s mother. Where is she?