The School for Good Mothers(71)

The mothers imagine what they’d do if they had access to knives or scissors or chemicals. Not everyone came to the school a violent woman, but now, heading into month seven, they all might stab someone.



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But fortunes can change, even here. After a surprise second-place finish for Unit 4, Frida begins Unit 5: Intermediate and Advanced Play in a state of blithe competence. Emmanuelle somehow decided to cooperate on evaluation day. She played with one toy at a time. She put them away when asked.

As June begins, Frida lavishes her with praise. Emmanuelle begins appearing in Frida’s dreams as a living girl. In her dreams, Emmanuelle and Harriet roam the campus holding hands. The girls roll down hills. They chase each other around the stone courtyard. They wear matching blue dresses, matching shoes and barrettes. They run together through the woods.

Frida teaches Emmanuelle to say “I love you” in Mandarin. She teaches Emmanuelle to say wawa, little doll—a term of endearment she’s never used with Harriet.

She begins sleeping normally, eating more, gains some weight back. Food has a taste again. When she showers, she’s alive to the water hitting her face. In class, she’s alive to her body next to Emmanuelle’s body. She gives willingly, and what passes between them is love.

In the evenings, she prepares her talking points. She won’t mention the birthday video, won’t ask about carbs or sunscreen or sun hats, if Gust and Susanna have taken Harriet to the beach, if they’ve started swim lessons, where they’ll go on vacation. She’ll use her “I love you” judiciously.

They begin practicing in groups of four. Two dolls receive one toy. When the fighting begins, the mothers must separate the dolls and help them process their feelings. They practice sharing and turn-taking. They learn to manage toy-related aggression. They model reconciliation.

As the dolls fight over toys, Frida worries that Emmanuelle’s passivity will be counted against her. She’s disappointed to see that Emmanuelle conforms to racial stereotypes, a failure of imagination on the part of her makers. When Emmanuelle plays with other dolls, she’s docile to the point of subservience. It’s always her hair being pulled, her toy being stolen. When the other dolls wrong her, she responds by doing nothing.

Frida hates seeing Emmanuelle get hit. The battles bring back memories of her own childhood, when she didn’t know how to defend herself, when a smart Chinese girl with a moon face felt like the worst thing to be. She often looked in the mirror and wished she’d been born a little white girl. Her parents sent her to her room for crying even though she was bullied daily. Not only did they push her against the chain-link fence, her classmates once chased her home from school, pelting her with cherry tomatoes. The juice dried in her hair. That night, when her mother bathed her, there was a layer of tomato seeds floating on the water. She doesn’t remember any special hugs or kisses. She doesn’t remember her mother denouncing the bullies. Life would have been different if her parents had held her, but she won’t blame them. It wasn’t a straight line from there to here.

She used to think it was a reason not to have a child. It seemed too painful to watch a son or daughter endure the cruelty of other children. But she told Gust that she’d be different. She’d be a mother who always said, “I love you.” She’d never be cold. She’d never make Harriet stand against a wall for punishment. If Harriet were ever bullied, if she were ever pushed around or ridiculed, Frida would be there to tell her that things would get better. She’d call the other parents, confront the other children. But where is she now, and where is Harriet? It’s been over nine months since she was removed.



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The rules have changed again. Frida’s phone privileges remain suspended. Before she can contact Harriet, she must finish in the top two for Unit 5. The school needs to see another set of results to make sure her performance was due to skill, not luck.

The night before evaluation day, the school has its first jumper. The mothers don’t find out until the morning. The jumper was Margaret, one of the mothers caught kissing behind the tennis courts. Some say she tried to get back together with Alicia, that Alicia rejected her. Some say she was in trouble because her four-year-old doll hadn’t learned to read yet. Some say her son’s foster parents returned him because he stood on their biological baby, and the school wouldn’t tell Margaret where he was moved.

Alicia and several of Margaret’s classmates get in trouble for weeping at breakfast. Beth says she feels triggered. Linda says this is a bad omen. She asks them to hold hands. Together they pray. For Margaret and her soul, rest in peace. For Margaret’s son, Robbie. For Margaret’s parents, especially her mother. For her grandparents. For her siblings.

“For Alicia,” Meryl says.

“For Margaret’s doll,” Beth adds. “That boy is going to be so confused.”

Meryl says the doll will be erased.

“But she was his first mom,” Frida says. “He’s not going to forget her.”

“Sure, tell yourself that.”

Frida watches Alicia cry. Margaret was only twenty-five. Both she and Alicia were placed on the watch list weeks ago. Will Ms. Gibson be the one calling Margaret’s family, or will it be the executive director, Ms. Knight? The thought of either of them delivering condolences makes Frida feel helpless and irate. She’s imagined her parents getting that call, has wondered whether such a call would send them to the hospital. She’s imagined them telling Gust, Gust telling Harriet. The danger has never felt so real. The boy who killed himself during freshman year was a stranger. The girl who hanged herself during grad school was someone she’d known only by name. She didn’t realize that she and Margaret had anything in common besides their missing children.