The School for Good Mothers(104)

“I came back for you. We’re going on a trip. A vacation.”

It takes several minutes to calm her, to tell her not to worry about Daddy and Mommy Sue-Sue and Uncle Will and Baby Henry, to explain that she’ll spend a little time with Mommy, that this time will never be enough.

“I couldn’t let you go like that. Not with that mean lady. Not in that office. I’m not going to let you go.”

Harriet rubs her eyes. She looks out the window. “It’s dark, Mommy. I’m scared. I’m scared. Mommy, where we going?”

Frida holds Harriet’s hands, then kisses her knuckles and fingertips. “I don’t know yet.”

“Can we see the moon?”

Frida laughs. “We can look at the moon later, sure. Maybe we’ll even see some stars tonight. You’re never up this late, are you? We’re going to have a nice time, bub. For as long as we can. Go back to sleep, okay? Don’t be scared. I’ll take care of you. I love you so much. I came back, see? I’m going to stay with you.”

She begins to hum. She strokes Harriet’s cheek. Harriet grabs Frida’s hand and holds it to her face, leaning into it like it’s a pillow.

“Mommy, stay with me. You going to put me to bed?”

“I will. We’re going to find a nice comfy place to sleep. You can sleep next to me, okay? Remember, you used to like that. We can do that every night. I’ll hold you.” Frida thinks of Emmanuelle in the grass. The doll staring at the sun. Her other daughter, vessel for her hope. For her love.

“We can have a family cuddle.”

She waits until Harriet’s eyes close. If she’d been able to comfort Harriet like this last fall. If she’d been a better mother.

She returns to the driver’s seat, remembering the lessons at the warehouse, watching Harriet’s birthday video while Emmanuelle screamed. As she pulls back onto the highway, she checks the rearview mirror. Harriet is perfectly still. Soon, in hours, or days if she’s lucky, there will be sirens. There will be more guards, more women, a different kind of uniform.

Frida has the photos in her purse. When they get to the first rest stop, she’ll slip the Polaroid of herself and Emmanuelle into Harriet’s inside coat pocket, where only Gust and Susanna will ever look. When they find it, they’ll ask questions. They’ll bring the photo to Renee. Renee will ask questions. When she’s older, Harriet will ask questions. Frida will give her a photo from their final visit, too.

Harriet will learn a different story. One day, Frida will tell Harriet the story herself. About Emmanuelle and the blue liquid. How Harriet once had a sister, how her mother wanted to save that sister. How her mother loved both girls so much. She’ll tell Harriet about Roxanne and Meryl. She’ll tell Harriet about the mother she was, the mistakes she made. She’ll tell Harriet about making a new person in her body, how the making of this person defies language and logic. That bond, she’ll tell Harriet, can’t be measured. That love can’t be measured. She’d like to know if Harriet will ever make a new person, if she’ll be back in Harriet’s life by that time. She’d like to tell Harriet that she can help raise that person. She can be careful. She’ll convince her daughter to trust her. I am a bad mother, she’ll say. But I have learned to be good.





ACKNOWLEDGMENTS


For as long as I’ve been working on this novel and dreaming of its publication, I’ve also been looking forward to saying thanks. My deepest gratitude to the people and institutions that have been instrumental in the creation of this book and sustaining my writing life:

Team Frida. To Meredith Kaffel Simonoff, my fierce and dazzling agent, for our collaboration and literary partnership. To my brilliant editors, who understood this book’s heart and purpose and showed me how to get there. Dawn Davis, for loving, elegant problem-solving and guidance, making my manuscript leaner and meaner, and mentoring me on book, career, and motherhood. Jocasta Hamilton, for abundant wisdom, magic, and humor. Marysue Rucci, Charlotte Cray, and Ailah Ahmed, for taking the reins with such warmth and panache. Working with you has been a dream come true.

The Simon & Schuster team. Jonathan Karp, Dana Canedy, and Richard Rhorer championed this book. Brittany Adames, Hana Park, and Chelcee Johns steered the ship. Morgan Hart, Erica Ferguson, and Andrea Monagle corrected my timeline and fixed so much. Jackie Seow, Grace Han, and Carly Loman designed the most beautiful house for my words. Julia Prosser, Anne Pearce, Elizabeth Breeden, Kassandra Rhoads, and Chonise Bass connected this book with readers.

The Hutchinson Heinemann team. Laura Brooke, Sarah Ridley, Olivia Allen, Henry Petrides, Linda Mohamed, Claire Bush, Rose Waddilove, Emma Grey Gelder, Mat Watterson, and Cara Conquest, thank you for your passion and vision.

At CAA and DeFiore & Company, much gratitude to the intrepid Michelle Weiner and Jiah Shin; their assistants Zachary Roberge and Kellyn Morris; Jacey Mitziga; Dana Bryan; Emma Haviland-Blunk; and Linda Kaplan for tireless work on my behalf.

Diane Cook and Catherine Chung, my novel-writing mentors and dear friends, for draft reading and pep talks. Diane’s short story “Moving On,” from her acclaimed collection, Man V. Nature, was also an early inspiration for the school.

Keith S. Wilson and Yvonne Woon, for enthusiastically reading and discussing one revised chapter at a time and always demanding the next installment. Additional thanks to Keith for serving as informal tech consultant.