The Rules of Dating My Best Friend's Sister(36)

“How does this study work? I know it’s something to do with dopamine levels and Alzheimer’s.”

“Well, the dopaminergic neuron system has been studied before as it relates to the progression of Alzheimer’s. But the results have been pretty inconsistent. It’s my theory that more than just dopamine has to be examined. My initial research shows that low levels of three combined hormones: dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine together cause neurodegenerative disease. So my study raises the levels of all three hormones in early Alzheimer’s patients so we can study the rate of progression of the disease.”

“You said sex increases the levels, right? So do you hand out Viagra and put on some Marvin Gaye?”

I laughed. “Close. We split the test subjects into two groups. One gets a handful of placebos for control purposes, and one gets the actual drugs that raise the levels of the hormones.”

Holden got quiet after that. I hoped that my laughing at his Viagra-and-music comment didn’t make him feel bad.

“Is everything okay?” I prodded.

“Yeah, sure.” He neatened a stack of papers that were already neat. “I was just wondering, have you only ever dated smart guys?”

“Well, I’ve only ever dated two men, and both happened to be smart. So yeah, I guess so.”

“Two men?” Holden’s brows pinched together. “You mean you only had two serious relationships? But you must’ve dated other guys, right?”

I shook my head. “No, I’ve only dated two men in total.”

“Wow.” Holden blinked a few times. “So then you’ve only…you know…with two men?”

“Actually, I only slept with one of them. I went out with the other one for a few months, but I was young, and our relationship never progressed there.”

Holden’s eyes widened. “So you’re going to marry the only guy you’ve ever fucked?”

When I started to blush, he held his hands up. “I’m sorry. That was crass. I shouldn’t have put it that way.”

“It’s fine.” I pointed to my rosy cheeks. “Maybe if I’d had more sexual escapades, I wouldn’t turn red every time anyone mentioned the word. I swear if you want me to look like an apple, just say sex or make me tell a lie.”

“Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like? I mean, how do you know if you should pay for the goods if you haven’t shopped around?”

“I’ve actually been wondering that a lot lately.” Our eyes met. “In fact, it feels like I can’t stop wondering about it.”

Holden opened his mouth to say something, but then seemed to think better of it and nodded.

I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

“How often do you…take care of yourself?”

Holden’s eyes dipped to my lips before returning to meet mine. “Are you asking me how often I masturbate?”

I nodded.

He shrugged. “It depends. If I’m sexually active, not as often. But if I’m going through a dry spell, maybe every other day or so? I guess it also depends on how frustrated I’m feeling and how active my imagination is.” He held my eyes, and his face grew serious. “There have been days when I can’t stop imagining what it would be like with a particular person. Those days, I might take three showers.”

I swallowed. “Have you ever been in love, Holden?”

He thought about his answer in silence for a moment. “I think so. Once.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.” Holden looked down. “She’s with someone else.”

I nodded again.

“Is it my turn to ask you something now?” he asked.

“Sure.”

“If you were in love with someone, and they were with someone else, would you tell them how you felt anyway?”

“I guess that depends. If I thought the person might love me back…” I nodded. “Yeah, maybe I’d tell them. I think you can get over making a fool of yourself, but regret lasts a lifetime.”

When I looked up, Holden was staring at me so intensely that it felt like everything else in the room faded away. The two of us were in a narrow hallway where the magnetic pull toward him was extra strong. I had the strongest urge to lean in and take the flesh of his bottom lip between my teeth and tug. Hard.

Catching myself as I actually started to lean forward, I blinked some sense back into my head and sat up straight. “I, um, I really should get my presentation finished. Thank you for the help. I can take it from here.”

Holden forced a smile, but I saw sadness lurking in his eyes. “Sure. No problem. I’ll head out. Goodnight, Lala.”

***

The next morning, I packed everything I needed for my presentation into three boxes. Hundreds of individual pages had been summarized neatly into a dozen slides, but I liked to bring the source materials in case anyone had questions. When I put the top on the last box, I noticed something sticking out from under the couch, so I pulled it free.

Holden’s wallet.

Last night he’d been sitting on the floor with his back against the couch. I definitely needed to return it before I left, but I couldn’t help but be nosy and peek inside. Not surprisingly, I found two condoms and a few girls’ phone numbers scribbled on napkins, in addition to some credit cards, his license, and a couple of twenties. Just as I was about to close it, a leather crease inside puckered open, and I realized there was a hidden pocket behind one side. Since I’d already been a shitty friend and violated his privacy, I stuck my finger into the slot. The picture I pulled out made my heart hurt.