The Rebel of Raleigh High (Raleigh Rebels #1)(47)

“So fucked up,” Alex whispers. “Look. I know it looked bad.”

“It didn’t. It looked like you were having a great time, making new friends. Why would I care about that?” God, I’m so full of shit.

Alex gives me a look that says the exact same thing. “Who are you lying to right now, Silver? Because you’re not fooling anyone.”

“Anyone?” I gesture to the open forest surrounding us, laughing weakly. “There’s no one here but us birds.”

“You’re not fooling me,” he clarifies in a stony voice. “You’re not fooling yourself, either.” He rubs at the back of his neck, grimacing. “Aren’t you tired of this yet, Argento?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Aaaaand the lies just keep on coming.

Alex huffs miserably down his nose. “Okay. Well…real talk. I don’t like girls very often. I don’t normally spend my days pissed at myself because I can’t stop myself from thinking about someone. I can safely say I have never truly, really given a shit about anyone apart from my kid brother before—”

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing to be admitting.”

“Just…stop. Quit hiding from the hard stuff. I’m not fucking hiding from it. Not anymore. If you can’t just be real for one second, then I’ll do it for the both of us. My life is a fucking mess right now. I have so much shit going on, and I’ve been trying my best to forget that you even exist, but I can’t, okay? I like you. I care about you. I care that you probably think I hooked up with one of those dumb bitches at that party, when I didn’t. When I walked away, disgusted at how pathetic they were being. And I know you don’t want to hear any of this shit. Your life is fucked up, too. But I see you, Silver. I see you looking at me, and I can feel the want in you. This playing around, tiptoeing around the truth is just fucking…it's fucking pointless. You like me, too. You care about me, too. You don't know why yet, but I can show you. I'm a risk. I'm a danger. I'm not a fucking safe bet by anyone's standards. But I can be good for you if you let me. At least I think I can. You're the first fucking person in this entire world who’s ever made me want to fucking try. And…” He runs out of steam. The muscle's ticking in his jaw again. He's trying to rein in the fire that seems to have caught in him, and he's having a tough time doing it.

Meanwhile, I’m having a hard time standing still, hearing the words that he’s saying. This is not easy for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been spoken to like this—someone telling me the truth, on a base level, and looking to me to reciprocate.

I open my mouth and Alex stills. His eyes are slightly narrowed, his nostrils flared, hands formed into the shape of fists at his sides. He’s waiting for me to deny everything he’s just said, to sweep it all aside, and he’s ready and waiting for it. He’s not going to let me get off lightly. “I do like you,” I say softly. “I shouldn’t. I—I’m just—It doesn’t matter if I like you, Alex. I can lie in bed and think about you all I want. I can watch you, and I can imagine…” Shit. This is too hard. I can’t even find the words.

His chest is rising and falling rapidly, the tendons straining in his neck. “What do you imagine?”

“Alex, please—”

“You’re not a fucking coward, Silver. I know you’re not. You prove that every day that you show up at that school. What do you imagine?”

“I—” I take a deep breath. Everything is such a mess. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Kissing you,” I whisper. “Your mouth on mine. Your hands on me. Laying my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat…”

A harsh, pained sound escapes him. “Silver…”

“I imagine us being together. I imagine having you to myself, that you were mine. It's so easy to picture walking down the hallway at Raleigh with your hand in mine because I know it would be easy. It would be so much fucking better because I wouldn't be alone anymore. I could fall in love with you, Alex. I could see myself doing that.” I nod, trying not to stumble over the terrifying words. “It wouldn’t take much. But I can’t let it happen.”

Alex is as rigid as the statue of David. He looks struck dumb by what I’ve just said. I wonder if I’ve gone too far, been too honest, said too much. Guys Alex’s age don’t talk about falling in love. They say you’re ‘seeing each other’ or ‘talking’ to avoid even calling you their girlfriend.

But he takes a slow, cautious step forward, heat radiating off him like a furnace. “Why not?” he asks. “I’m not good enough?”

“No! Of course not! God, Alex. I want you. I want all of those things! I want you to touch me. I want you to kiss me more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“Then just give in, Silver! Stop fucking fighting so hard.”

“I’m not fighting!”

“Yes, you are. You have been since the moment we met. Before we even met!” He huffs down his nose. “Fight the hard stuff. The wrong stuff. But stop fighting me. I’m neither of those things. Just…trust me.”

I’m so close to tears. “I don’t know how, Alex.” If I so much as breathe right now, I’m going to fall to pieces, and I desperately don’t want that.