The Reading List(21)

‘So, you going to let me in then? Or do I need a secret password or something?’

‘Yeah, sorry,’ he stepped aside, grabbing his bag from the step, and headed out. He plastered a smile on his face, but there was still something else behind his eyes, lingering just for a moment.

Aleisha dumped her bag in the hallway. ‘Fine. See you later.’ She heard the calmness of her own words, when really she just wanted to shout after him: ‘Don’t pull the “I need you” card when everything’s fine.’ She wanted to tell him how much he’d scared her. She wanted to shout at him, to scream.

‘I’ve got a slightly shorter shift today,’ he said now. His voice was immediately lighter, his eyes brighter now his feet were on the pavement, now he was out of the house – she’d never noticed such a stark reaction before. ‘Finish at eight. See you then. Call me if you need anything, okay?’

‘Whatever.’

‘I’ll get you a pizza or something, to make this up to you. Sorry if we ruined plans,’ he shouted over his shoulder, climbing into his car.

She knew he was using the ‘we’ to mean ‘me and Mum’ because she couldn’t be angry with him when he was ‘just thinking of Mum’.

‘I hate pizza!’ she shouted back.

Aleisha waved to her brother and walked inside, carefully placing one foot in front of the other, hoping her mum was still in bed. But Leilah was sitting on the sofa, watching an international channel where everyone on it was speaking a different language.

‘Mum,’ Aleisha said, trying to keep her tone soft, ‘why’re you watching this?’

Leilah said nothing, seemed unable to reply. Eventually she shrugged, and murmured: ‘It’s calming.’

Aleisha looked at the TV – it was some over-the-top drama, thunderous music, intense stares. One woman’s venomous glare shot straight through the screen. ‘Calming how?’

Leilah’s eyes were glazed over, as though they weren’t taking anything in at all.

‘Cup of tea?’

‘No, I’m okay.’ Her lips looked dry, slightly grey. There was a soft film of sweat on her forehead, the down on her upper lip collected tiny droplets of water.

She could tell today was a spiral.

There hadn’t been a proper spiral for a while. Aidan always knew what to look out for and now she wished she hadn’t left this morning. But Aidan had insisted, because he could cope with this – and he knew she couldn’t. She felt his absence now, she was flailing, she didn’t know how to make Leilah feel safe today, she didn’t know what to say or do for her own mother. No matter how many years they’d been through it, when Leilah felt like this she was nothing but a stranger to her.

In the kitchen, she steadied herself with both hands on the countertop before pulling out her favourite mug. Her dad had bought it for her from a Christmas market. It was hand-painted, according to the note on its underside. It had an angel on it. Blonde. Blue-eyed. The angel was definitely not her. When she was younger, she liked to pretend that that’s how her dad saw her, as his little angel with the blonde hair and the blue eyes and the pale, peachy skin.

As the kettle fired up, Leilah called out, ‘Tea, please.’ Aleisha rolled her eyes and hastily cleaned her mum’s favourite Star Wars mug. It had been sitting in the sink for days, stained with dark, thick coffee rings.

Once the kettle was boiled, she poured hot water over fresh tea bags and enjoyed watching the water turn brown, colour emerging from the bags, as she added a dash of milk in each.

She carried them through to the living room gingerly, keeping her eyes on the liquid, careful not to spill any. She wouldn’t hear the end of it if she made a mess.

She quietly set the mug down on the table next to Leilah and turned the television off. Leilah was, impossibly, fast asleep and snoring ever so quietly.

Aleisha sat in a chair opposite her mother and watched her for a while. She heard kids cycling past on their bikes, she heard swearwords on the street, mothers laughing together, the cruising of pushchair wheels in front of them. She sighed and then jumped when she saw her phone was flashing with an incoming call: Dad. She picked it up and shuffled out of the room, closing the door gently behind her.

This was the first time Dean had called in three weeks. She hovered her finger over the green button, and then the red button. Talking to Dean, when Leilah was only in the other room … it felt like a betrayal. But if she hit the red button, Dean might not call again. He had a new life now, new kids, a new wife. He had excuses not to call back. He was ‘so busy, darling’.

‘Hello?’ she whispered, her hand covering her mouth. She was trying so hard to keep the hope out of her voice. She just wanted a conversation, an ordinary conversation.

‘Hey sweetheart!’ His voice was upbeat, deafeningly happy – she could hear chatter in the background.

‘Hey Dad, where are you?’

‘I’m just at home – the kids are watching a film. Where are you? Why are you whispering?’

‘I’m just at home. Mum’s asleep.’

‘Is … Is everything okay with you all? How’s Aidan?’

‘He’s busy, working. Mum’s not too good right now. She’s stopped taking on any new design work for a bit, so we’re doing the best we can.’