The Reading List(13)
Aleisha closed her eyes, brought her palms together and spoke in an airy-fairy yoga voice. ‘I hope you enjoyed your practice today.’ Aleisha slapped her own knee, laughing at her mother, at herself. Her mum wouldn’t be caught dead in a yoga class. She perched on the end of Leilah’s bed as her mother let her stretch go and Leilah exhaled a sincere ‘Namaste.’
‘Hope that cleared up your chakras for you.’
Leilah grabbed her left foot. She prodded the ball a few times. ‘Yeah, my chakras are doing okay now.’
‘No need for a downward dog then.’
Leilah began to giggle, her eyes scrunched shut – Aleisha’s eyes were wide, and she laughed too, to cover her surprise. Then, within moments, they were both in hysterics. Leilah’s head lolled back on her neck, her mouth open, a schoolgirl kind of glee ringing outwards. Aleisha watched her. Sun from a gap in the curtain illuminated a stripe of her face. Her skin looked bright, gently glowing. She looked happy. Aleisha took a mental snapshot. She wanted to stall this moment here, for ever. When they were done with their giggling, they sat beside each other in relative peace, a hiccup of laughter escaping here and there.
When everything was calm, she moved her hand towards her mother’s face instinctively, but with a jolt Leilah moved away before Aleisha’s skin met hers.
The next morning, Aleisha could hear her brother in the kitchen, frying something. The smell of oil drifted under the gap in the doorway to her room. She shimmied herself out of bed, rubbing her eyes. Her head ached, and she could feel the oppressive heat of the day closing in already. She glanced at her phone, trying to ignore the many notifications from her school group chat, which would just be filled with photos of them sipping cocktails on the beach on holiday. She thought about texting Rachel again, to say thanks for the recipe – Leilah had eaten more than she’d expected in the end – but she left it. Rachel didn’t need thanks. They were family.
She joined Aidan in the kitchen, her slippered feet click-clacking on the lino.
‘Hey Leish, didn’t see you last night. How was work?’
‘Really shit, to be honest.’
Aidan looked at her, his eyebrows raised slightly, meaning: ‘Go on, tell me.’
‘I just,’ Aleisha sighed, really not wanting to relive it all. ‘This old guy came into the library, he was literally about ninety, I swear, and he was asking for book recommendations and … you know I don’t care about books.’ Aleisha looked up at him, but Aidan didn’t give anything away. ‘I just snapped at him.’
‘Aleisha!’
‘I know. You don’t have to make me feel worse about it.’
‘Look, it’s fine. When I worked there, I’m sure I pissed loads of people off … probably not in the way you did … but just take it as a lesson. Like Uncle Jeremy always used to say, just do better next time.’
‘Come on, you’re not Mum … or Uncle Jeremy. I don’t need a lecture from you. You gonna be home today?’ Aleisha asked, unsure, registering his apron, dressing gown and slippers.
‘Yeah, it’s your day off. Go see your friends. I’ll stay here with Mum. Think she had a bad night again – woke up quite a few times.’
Aleisha walked towards the plate of food next to Aidan. There sat three fat, oily sausages, cooling. She picked one up with her long nails, trying to keep the sausage away from her skin. She dangled it above her mouth.
‘Watch it, Leish! You’re dripping oil on the floor.’ Aidan dropped to the ground with a piece of kitchen roll, wiping up the yellow globs, his apron ballooning out with a whoosh. ‘Look, get out of the house today. Get some air.’
‘It’s okay, I’ve not got any plans. I’m just going to hang out here and watch TV.’
‘No, Leish, Mum won’t want any loud noises today. She’s got a migraine.’ Aidan looked at her with a serious frown; there were deep, purple shadows under his eyes. ‘I’ll be here, don’t worry.’
With a shrug, Aleisha ate the sausage as quickly as she could; Aidan watched her with disgust. ‘It’s fine,’ she said, her mouth still full. ‘Really. I’ve got no one to see, I’ll stay here. I’ll sit quietly in my room – it’ll be like I don’t even exist.’
Leilah suddenly shouted from upstairs, ‘Shut up! Aleisha, shut up!’ Aleisha and Aidan looked at each other, their faces blank, their smiles gone. She wasn’t surprised. Last night, the giggling, the yoga … but nothing had changed. Nothing would ever change. That thick black curtain would always be there, shrouding the whole house, holding Aidan down with it this time. After a moment of silence, the two of them barely drawing a breath, Aidan finally shook his head to say, ‘She doesn’t mean it.’ He didn’t say it out loud because he couldn’t know it was true.
‘So, I’m just going to have to leave?’ Her voice was sharp – but she was whispering. She didn’t want to make a sound.
‘Leish, you can stay, but you know it’s going to be like walking on eggshells here.’
Aleisha shrugged. ‘Literally no one else has to put up with this crap. Don’t you hate it?’ She was exhausted – exhausted from being alert, exhausted from listening to her mum cry at night, pretending she couldn’t hear a thing and letting Aidan sort it all out, exhausted from never being needed, and always being a trigger. She was tired.