The Princess Diarist(35)

The movie had been out for a few weeks and the lines were twisting around the blocks. (The term “blockbuster,” in fact, was born because ticket lines would come to the edge of the street, pause for that asphalt interruption, and then begin again enthusiastically on the next block.) I would drive by with my friends in disbelief, wondering how anything that popular could include me.

One day we were driving down Wilshire Boulevard in Westwood, where the Avco Cinema had what looked to me like the longest line I had seen so far. As you can imagine, I was really excited—“chuffed” is the British word for it. I love how they made themselves this little word that means “giddy with an excitement that you’re trying to suppress because you’d rather be thought of as looking kind of cool.” So I stood up on the car seat, and not just stuck out my head but squeezed half my body through the sunroof, then shouted, “Hey, I’m in that! I’m the princess!”

This certainly caused some interest, ranging from the scornful “What an asshole” variety to the breathless “Do you think it’s really her?”

“I’m in that!” I repeated for those who hadn’t heard me the first time. Then, suddenly realizing what I had done and quickly fearing that some of these moviegoers might identify me, I slid back down into my seat and said to my friend, “Quick! Drive!” So she stepped on the gas and sped away.

? ? ?

the one question people can never seem to stop asking me is “Did you know Star Wars was going to be that big of a hit?” Well, given that there had never actually been a film that had been that big of a hit before, who could possibly ever have assumed that there now would be?

Now I’ve begun answering that question differently than replying, “No I didn’t.” I’ve begun saying, “Well, actually, I thought it was going to be an even bigger phenomenon. So when it wasn’t—when Star Wars and its sequels failed to meet my remarkable, almost unbelievable expectations—well, I want you to just try to imagine how crushed, how disappointed I felt, and still feel.”

Imagine how it felt when my anticipated dreams and fantasies failed to come true. What would you have done if you were me? Turn to drugs, maybe? Lose your mind? Possibly maybe even both?





leia’s lap dance

“Could you make it to Jerry? He couldn’t come today. He’s having chemo. But he’s been your biggest fan since he was knee-high. We showed him the movies when he was three. JERRY. With a J, yes, that’s right. And could you write, ‘May the Force be with you’? You have no idea what this would mean to him. When I told him you were going to be here he cried . . . Thank you so much. He absolutely worships Star Wars.

“I just can’t believe it’s you. If someone told me back when I first saw the first episode, if someone had said, ‘One day you’re gonna meet Princess Leia face-to-face,’ I just wouldn’ta . . . I woulda thought you was making fun of me, ya know? Back then . . . agghh, I am so sorry, a grown woman standing here cryin’ like a baby, you must think I’m plumb loco . . . No, that’s okay, I’ve gotten to where it doesn’t bother me as much what people think of me. I mean, it still hurts but not so much so’s I’m useless.

“And part of that’s ’cause of you. Princess Leia was such a huge inspiration to me. I thought, if I could grow up and be even just a little like you! ’Cause a little of you looked like a big ole lot to me. And then when I grew up, or got older, whichever, and I was on the express checkout line reading the magazine while I was waitin’ for the people with twenty items when you’re not supposed to have more than a dozen, so while I’m waitin’ I’m flippin’ through this magazine and I come across this picture of you. I might not’ve known it was you, except there was a picture of you in the slave outfit on the opposite page.

“So I start reading, and I swear I came to think that my finding that magazine with you in it was no accident. I don’t know if you put much . . . you know, I doubt you believe in God or whatnot, ’cause I’ve always heard that celebrities are . . . You do? . . . Oh, well, whatever you wanna call Him or It or . . .

“Look at me, here I am just rattlin’ off at the mouth when you have so many other people waiting, I’ll just shut my trap and let you get to them, but before I do, could I ask you one last little favor? A picture? I mean, how many times does somebody find themselves standing with . . . I’m sorry, I get to talking, I’m just so thrilled and so nervous to meet you. Wait’ll I tell Ira down at the blood bank, he said I’d probably never . . .

“My camera? It’s in my purse. I think, I HOPE! Wouldn’t that be . . . as my mom used to say, wouldn’t that beat all? I wish she were still alive. She passed right when the first Star Wars came out. I remember at her wake my cousins were talking about this crazy-sounding movie that had just opened that Wednesday. Amazing, isn’t it?

“At first it was just super hard for me, and if it hadn’t been for Star Wars, I swear I don’t know if I would’ve made it. It was like, God took my mom home to Him and He led me to Star Wars. He gave me you and Luke and Han, and somehow that was enough. I don’t mean ‘enough’ like having Star Wars was like having my mom back to life and stitchin’ one of her crazy embroideries or . . . or . . . That makes her sound like some kinda Betty Crocker–type mom and that’s something she just absolutely sure as shit, ’scuse my French, wasn’t. She was a lotta things, my mom—my brother could tell you. He’d a been here but he couldn’t get off work. Me and him, we used to follow my mom without her knowin’ to make sure she was, well, that she’d keep outta trouble ’n’ such . . . I’m sorry, what? . . . Oh, Ben. That’s my brother’s name, Ben. Like Ben Kenobi, only not, ’cause like I said she died before she coulda seen it. That’s one regret I have. I don’t like focusing on regretting things much, but I truly believe that if my mom coulda seen you guys’s movies she . . . Well, no use cryin’ over spilt people.