The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward(49)

Sometimes we maximize, Simon explained. Other times we “satisfice.”[33] If this were true—and analyses of people’s behavior showed that it is—the models had to change—and they did. For his work, in 1978 Simon won the Nobel Memorial Prize for Economic Sciences.

It took a while for psychologists to begin exploring the emotional consequences of Simon’s two decision-making approaches. But that moment arrived in 2002 when six social scientists, led by Barry Schwartz and Andrew Ward of Swarthmore College, developed a personality scale that measured an individual’s propensity to maximize or satisfice. Using a set of seventeen questions, they were able to identify which people pursued ideal standards (the maximizers) and which more often selected whatever met some threshold of acceptability (the satisficers.)

After administering their Maximization Scale to more than 1,700 participants, they connected the results to measures of these participants’ well-being. And the researchers uncovered a surprise. Most maximizers were miserable. The maximizers reported “significantly less life satisfaction, happiness, [and] optimism” and significantly more depression than the satisficers.[34]

When the scientists tried to explain the source of the unhappiness, they identified the main culprit: “maximizers’ increased sensitivity to regret—both experienced and anticipated.” Maximizers regretted everything at every stage. Before they made their choices. After they made their choices. While they made their choices. Whatever the situation, they always imagined the possibilities of something better if only they had acted differently.[35] But these upward counterfactuals didn’t uncork productive “feeling is for thinking” regret. They trapped people in ruminating “feeling is for feeling” regret. In their effort to maximize happiness on all things, they were pulverizing it on most things.

And herein lies a problem. The wobbly beam in Bezos’s Regret Minimization Framework is that constantly trying to anticipate and minimize our regrets can become a form of unhealthy maximizing. Applying this framework at all times and in all realms is a recipe for despair.

How, then, to reconcile these countervailing currents—to gain the benefits of anticipated regret without becoming caught in its downdraft?

The solution is to focus our aspirations.





OPTIMIZING REGRET


Our goal should not be to always minimize regret. Our goal should be to optimize it. By combining the science of anticipated regret with the new deep structure of regret, we can refine our mental model.

Call it the Regret Optimization Framework.

This revised framework is built on four principles:

         In many circumstances, anticipating our regrets can lead to healthier behavior, smarter professional choices, and greater happiness.





         Yet when we anticipate our regrets, we frequently overestimate them, buying emotional insurance we don’t need and thereby distorting our decisions.



     And if we go too far—if we maximize on regret minimization—we can make our situation even worse.



     At the same time, people around the world consistently express the same four core regrets. These regrets endure. They reveal fundamental human needs. And together, they offer a path to the good life.





The Regret Optimization Framework holds that we should devote time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. But anticipating regrets outside these four categories is usually not worthwhile.

So, under the Regret Optimization Framework, when deciding a course of action, begin by asking whether you are dealing with one of the four core regrets.

If not, satisfice. For example, if you’re buying lawn furniture or a(nother) microwave oven, that decision is unlikely to involve any fundamental, enduring human need. Make a choice and move on. You’ll be fine.

If the decision does involve one of the big four, spend more time deliberating. Project yourself into the future—five years, ten years, at age eighty, whatever makes sense. From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them. Use this framework a few times, and you will begin to see its power.

Our everyday lives consist of hundreds of decisions—some of them crucial to our well-being, many of them inconsequential. Understanding the difference can make all the difference. If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value. Regret—that maddening, perplexing, and undeniably real emotion—points the way to a life well lived.





WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR REGRETS: A RECAP


    For an Action Regret


           Undo it. Apologize, make amends, or try to repair the damage.



      At Least It. Find the silver lining: think about how the situation could have turned out worse and appreciate that it didn’t.





For Any Regret (Action or Inaction)




      Self-disclosure. Relive and relieve the regret by telling others about it—admission clears the air—or by writing about it privately.