The Plight Before Christmas(25)

Serena goes pale. “You seriously believe this?”

“I’ve seen enough examples at this point to know it’s not far-fetched.”

“What about Mom and Dad?”

“The exception, not the rule, and we only know the version they present us with. Look at your issue with Thatch now and tell me I’m barking up the wrong tree.”

“You’ve been alone way too long in that condo.”

“I’m just being honest.”

“Your theory generalizes behavior of two sexes during the most taxing endeavor known to man. Marriage is not easy, not at all. And maybe I don’t have the pink peonies in clear glass jars in every perfectly decorated and organized room—a lifestyle that I longed for and expected to have—but newsflash, babe. Martha Stewart, the woman who taught us good living, went to federal prison and made her epic come back doing a talk show with fucking Snoop Dogg. She’s also posting selfies in a bathing suit on Instagram purely for attention post-menopause, which only proves that she’s just as fucked up as the rest of us and needs validity that she isn’t finding in real life. You’re right. Most of us, at some point, want this unattainable dream, but it doesn’t exist.” She shakes her head. “Thatch and I might have issues. He’s not perfect, neither am I, but Whitney,” her voice drops, her tone urgent, “I married him believing he is my match, and I still believe it, most days. I’m so grateful for him, really, but don’t get me wrong, I want those butterflies back, and honestly, I haven’t felt them in a very long time…and I’m fucking scared, so stop bullying me about it. Because,” her eyes water, and I instantly feel guilty, “what if I never feel them with him again?”

“I’m sorry.” I grab her hand and squeeze. “You’ll feel them again. It’s Thatch.”

“I don’t know,” she sniffs. “This morning, I was soaking in a bubble bath—my first bubble bath in ages—and Thatch came in and took a two-minute asparagus piss with the obligatory pop fart. And when I unleashed hell at him, he slowly pulled back the shower curtain, folded his arms Indian style, and said ‘it was a good pee.’”

I burst out laughing, rattling the baby, and shake my head. “I love that man.”

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s hilarious, and that’s you and Thatch. That’s your dynamic, and it’s awesome. Honestly, you two give me hope.” I sigh. “Just don’t listen to me right now. I’m in a fucked-up headspace.”

“I know, and I’m trying to help. So be honest and tell me how you really feel about Eli.”

Swallowing, I stare back at Serena, knowing I won’t get away with anything but the truth. Temporarily, I allow the wall down that I slammed up after seeing his icy blue eyes on the porch hours ago.

“Seeing him was like being stung by a thousand bees…like a shot of something jarring, but you don’t know if it’s good or bad until you register the sting.” I pull at a loose thread on Peyton’s pajamas. “You know the guy that’s good at everything, excels at everything, is too brilliant to ever study, too athletic to be a real human. The guy that with one look can activate every cell in your body, the guy that completely occupies your head and heart to the point you can’t believe he’s yours?”

“Yes, that’s how I felt with Thatch in the beginning.”

“Exactly. With Eli, I started to dream in all kinds of ways, wet dreams, future dreams, and before we broke up…wedding dreams.”

“I remember. You called me the night of your first date.”

I nod. “In the beginning, I played hard to get because I thought it was the only way with a guy like Eli. Pathetically, I thought I was the lucky one, and he was out of my league. Which, let’s face it, at the moment is truer now than it ever was then—by current life standards. But in the grand scheme, that meant fuck all because we didn’t match where it mattered. Every time we would start to get really close, he’d pull back, distance himself just enough to put me, us, in our respective place. He was so hot and cold. Sometimes I was sure I was the only woman that existed for him. Other times he made me wonder if he was even attracted to me. There’s a reason he’s single now, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same reason we split. Eli wasn’t the guy you were supposed to plan a future with. He was the guy to break your heart and break it in well. I didn’t realize it until it was too late.” I glance over at her, “if I ever had a chance of having a one, he was the closest it came for me. I really, really loved him. Like saw stars when he entered a room loved him.”

“I know.”

“And you know I never once told him. I knew even when I felt it, saying it would be a mistake. That was the first red flag of many that I ignored, foolishly thinking that love conquers all. In the end, I don’t know what hurt me more, that we broke up, or that I never got the chance to be with him with my heart wide open.”

She nods. “I hated that you had to go back to school after that summer. I barely pulled you back together for senior year.”

“But I did get over it, over him. Seeing him at this point in my life is not fun, mostly because of the place I’m in. A year ago, or even six months ago, I would’ve taken this so much better. I definitely would’ve behaved better. My confidence is fucking shot at the moment, so I’m…” I blow out a harsh breath. “So much time has passed, and because I’m a grown-up, I will be mature about this.”