The Peacock Emporium(120)

He got up and wrenched open the door. “And you know what? When you realize it, don’t come running to me because I’ve had enough. Okay? I’ve really had enough.”

She had hurt him so much already. She didn’t say that she would rather take that risk than live with what she already knew would be a lifetime of disappointment.





26


Suzanna lay on the bed she had slept in as a child, as the sounds of her childhood resonated through the wall. She could hear her mother’s dog whining, its claws scrabbling on the flagstone floor downstairs, its flurry of staccato yelps proclaiming some unseen outrage. She absorbed the muffled sound of Rosemary’s television: the forecast was gray with scattered showers, she noted, smiling wryly at the plaster wall’s inability to offer any resistance to the evidence of Rosemary’s faded hearing. Outside, on the front drive, she could hear her father talking to one of the men, discussing some problem with a grain chute. Sounds that, until now, had only ever made her feel alien in this environment. For the first time, Suzanna was comforted by them.

She had arrived late at night two evenings ago, having packed her belongings while Neil was at work. Despite what he’d said, she knew he was hoping that she would change her mind while he was gone. That what she said had been perhaps an unhappy side effect of grief. And she thought, in his heart of hearts, that he probably knew that the grief had delayed the decision, clouded her certainty that it had to be done.

Vivi had met her at the door and listened without saying a word when Suzanna announced tearfully why she was there. Suzanna had thought she would leave the cottage without a second glance, but had been taken aback by how emotional she felt at packing her clothes. Surprisingly Vivi hadn’t pleaded with her to give it another go, or told her what a wonderful man Neil was—even when Neil turned up, as she’d known he probably would, drunk and incoherent later that night. Vivi had made him coffee and let him rant, ramble, and sob. She had told him, Vivi said afterward, that she was so sorry, that not only was he welcome to stay in the cottage, but that he would be part of their family for as long as he wanted. Then she had driven him home.

“I’m sorry to have put you through that,” Suzanna had said.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” replied Vivi, and made her a cup of tea.

She had been static for years, Suzanna thought, gazing at the rosebuds on the wallpaper, noting the corner by her wardrobe where she had, as an adolescent, scribbled in pen her hatred of her parents. Now, as if unleashed by her actions, things were moving rapidly, as if time itself had decided she had too much to make up.

There was a knock at the door. “Yup?” Suzanna pushed herself upright, and saw, with shock, that it was nearly a quarter to ten.

“Come on, lazybones. Time to shake a leg.” Lucy’s blond head peered in, a tentative smile on her face.

“Hey, you.” Suzanna rubbed her eyes. “Sorry. Didn’t know you were coming so early.”

“Early? It doesn’t take long for you to revert to your old habits.” She moved forward and hugged her sister. “You okay?”

“I feel like apologizing to everyone for not being a wreck.”

That was the worst thing, how easy it had been to leave. She felt guilty, of course, for having been the cause of his unhappiness, and sadness at having to break a habit and routine; but there was none of the crushing sense of loss that she had anticipated would come with her marriage ending. She had briefly wondered whether it meant some kind of emotional disability on her part. “Twelve years, and so little wailing and gnashing of teeth. Do you think I’m odd?”

“Nope, just honest. It means it’s the right thing,” Lucy said, pragmatically.

“I keep waiting to feel something—something else, I mean.”

“Perhaps you will. But there’s no point in looking for it, trying to make yourself feel something you don’t.” She sat down on Suzanna’s bed, and riffled through her bag. “It was time to move on.” She held an envelope aloft. “Talking of which, I’ve got your tickets here.”

“Already?”

“No time like the present. I think you should just go, Suze. We can sort out the shop. I don’t think it’s fair on Neil if he has to see you around everywhere. It’s a small town, after all, and it’s never been short on gossip.”

Suzanna took the tickets and stared at the date. “But that’s not even ten days away. When we talked, I thought you meant next month. Maybe even a couple of months.”

“But what’s there to stay for?”

Suzanna bit her lip. “How am I going to pay you back? I won’t even have time to sell off the stock.”

“Ben will help. He thinks you should go too.”

“Probably glad to have me out of the house. I think he’s been rather put out at having me home again.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Lucy grinned at her sister. “Love the thought of you backpacking,” she said. “Hilarious. I’m almost tempted to come too. Just to witness it.”

“I wish you would. I feel quite nervous, to be honest.”

“Australia’s not the end of the world.” They giggled. “Okay, it is the end of the world. But it’s not exactly roughing it.”

“Have you spoken to your friend? Is she still happy to put me up for a few days?”