The Other Side(95)

She laughs once, throaty and unrestrained. “Don’t apologize, I’m sure no one else noticed you were nervous.” And then she switches back to serious, adoring Alice. “You were gracious and humble when people engaged you. I was proud. In awe. Toby Page in his element is unbelievably sexy.”

I’m still not good at receiving compliments, so I change the subject. “Is there anything you need me to do for the wedding while you’re gone?”

We’re getting married next month. It will be a casual ceremony here at the house with family and a few friends. Johnny built a gazebo in the backyard, and it turns out Dan from Dan’s Tavern is an ordained minister, so he’s going to do the honors.

She’s drawing lazy circles on my chest. Pushing her T-shirt up, I do the same on her upper back. “You can take Johnny to get fitted for his tux.” He’s my best man. “Taber went last week, so he’s all set.” He’s her maid of honor. “And we should probably find something for Joey sooner than later.” He’s the ring bearer.

“I can do that.” The lull in the conversation tells me it’s about at its end.

“Oh, and Cliff too.” He’s the usher. We only sent out thirty invitations, so it’s more formality than necessity, but I think it made him feel good when I asked him. The kid has done a one-eighty from where he was a few years ago. Except his obsession with the Sex Pistols, that remains fanatical. Yes, I finally watched Sid and Nancy with him. And yes, Sid Vicious is not a legend but Gary Oldman playing Sid Vicious is. He was fantastic.

“He’ll probably cut the sleeves off the suit jacket because it’s not punk rock enough for him and they’ll end up keeping our deposit.”

Her body rumbles against mine as she laughs soundlessly. “You’re probably right. Maybe we should let him wear whatever he wants.”

It’s quiet now. The darkness feels safe like it always does when I’m with Alice. She is sanctuary.

Her lips press against my chest, the pressure behind them telling. It’s intent. And loving.

There will be one more question because she asks it every night. It finds its way to me when her kisses climb up my neck to my ear. “What makes you happy, Toby?”

I give her a different answer every night.

And I mean them all.

“The girl who sees the stars despite the clouds taught me to do the same. And it changed everything.”





Letter from the author:





We never truly know what’s going on in other people’s minds. In their lives. Even those closest to us. Be gentle with each other. Talk to each other. Listen to each other. Tell your friends and family you love them every chance you get. Compliment a stranger. Initiate a conversation with someone you don’t know. People need to be seen, heard, and loved—it’s part of what makes the human experience so…human.

I’m a firm believer that we all affect people’s lives for the better in ways we will never know. Think about it for a moment: how many times in your life have you been the recipient of kindness from a stranger that occurred when you were having a really shitty day and needed it most, or someone said something that resonated with you so deeply that years later you remember it word for word, or a conversation changed your point of view or educated you, or words read sparked a change in your perspective about life? It happens all the time. But do we ever tell the person how much we appreciated their kindness, wisdom, or love? Most of the time, we don’t. And in some situations, we can’t. The person who affected us will likely never know.

But they should.

Don’t be afraid to share your gratitude, or feelings, or love, because the person on the receiving end may need to hear it more than you will ever know. Because like I said, we never truly know what’s going on in other people’s minds. In their lives. Kindness matters.

This book touched on many issues that are often hard to talk about. Times are changing, misconceptions are being clarified, the collective consciousness is more compassionate than ever before—my hope is that one day soon, the judgment disappears entirely. If you’re carrying around something heavy, I encourage you with everything in me to talk to someone about it. You don’t have to deal with it alone. Ask for help.

In 1995, I was twenty-two years old. I was also suicidal. I didn’t tell anyone. I functioned, but I tried to hide—my depression and myself. For over a year, I carried the unbearable hopelessness around and listened to the constant inner dialogue of You’re nothing, you’re nothing, you’re nothing. The world would be a better place if you weren’t in it, just like Toby. I made a plan. I knew how, when, and where I was going to end my life. Days prior to my end date, a longtime friend of mine completed suicide. Sitting amongst his grieving family and friends at the funeral forced me to face my own pain and my own plans with a different perspective. Instead of going through with it, I talked to my fiancé (now husband) instead and asked for help. That changed everything. Knowing I wasn’t alone to fight it was a game changer for me. And it still is to this day. Off and on throughout my adult life, depression revisits. Is it fun? Nope, it sure isn’t. But those are the months I ask for help and I fight like hell to get back to happiness. I talk to the people I trust, the people I know won’t judge me. And eventually the darkness lifts and the light on the other side returns and it feels like a gift. I no longer take happiness for granted. I no longer take life for granted. I look for the bright side in every situation. And I fight when I need to. I fight even when it feels impossible to do so.