The Other Side(38)

I bet you know me well enough by now to deduce how I feel about that. I feel itchy. Chivalry isn’t supposed to feel like confinement.

“Dress looks a little tighter than it did last time you wore it,” Ken answers offhandedly.

It is. Nina’s gained a few pounds since she quit working. Her weight and appearance are an endless battle, more mental than physical. Nina has always looked in the mirror and seen legs that are too short, a butt that’s too big, a chest that’s a cup size too small, a nose that’s too wide, a bottom row of crooked teeth, and hair that isn’t straight enough. I’ve always looked at her in the mirror and seen a beautiful person—no flaws, just Nina being Nina the way no one else can. That’s the reason Ken’s comment raises my hackles. If he’s been paying attention since the first day they met, he would know this is a hot button issue and something she needs to be built up, not torn down.

How dare he! I rage. She put herself out there asking that question. He should’ve told her she looks gorgeous…because she does. Instead, he planted the seed of doubt. Nina will dwell on this comment. For all the confidence she’s gained the past two months, that one sentence was a devastating blow that will negate it all. A single negative can wipe out one hundred positives.

“It is,” she agrees, and I watch pride drain out of her while shame pours in.





*



Week four living with Ken:

Ken shakes a large white envelope in Nina’s face the minute he walks through the door. “What the hell is this?” His tone is accusatory, which makes her nervous because even though he’s never talked to her like this, other men have.

Nina takes the envelope with a trembling hand. It’s addressed to her from Denver College of Nursing and it’s already been opened. “You opened my mail?” This is the first piece of mail Nina’s received here at Ken’s.

He ignores the question and raises his eyebrows waiting for her to answer his demand.

“I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. I thought this might be a good time to follow my dream. I qualify for tuition grants and—”

And then everything happens so fast it’s a blur.

Hands grasp Nina’s upper arms.

Those same hands squeeze down like a vise until the skin and tissue beneath throbs and capillaries rupture.

Her feet leave the ground, suspended and flailing.

What the flight lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed and ferocity.

Nina is on her back, pain radiating out in bursts from the back of her skull and so many other spots it’s hard to pinpoint them all.

Before her vision comes back into focus, Ken is sitting on her stomach straddling her, his finger wagging aggressively an inch from her face. “I don’t think you understand how this works, woman. You live here with me. I take care of you. I tell you what you can and cannot do because I know best. You’re not going to nursing school.” He stands up abruptly, done with his sermon. But as he walks into the kitchen, he adds, “You’re not smart enough anyway.”

I’m stunned. Unfortunately for Nina, this isn’t the first horrific thing that’s ever happened to her that’s stunned me. She’s been slapped, she’s been shaken, but this is the first time someone has inflicted this particular brand of physical pain. Good thing I’m equipped for emergencies. The shock, panic, and embarrassment are hot in the tears streaming down Nina’s cheeks, which is the reason I need to remain calm. Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave, leave, leave, leave, leaveleaveleaveleaveleave…I command it so many times that the words run together. I know I’m competing with his last comment that’s looping itself through her brain. “You’re not smart enough.” She’s heard it many times from her mother. There was a time she believed it. When confidence is as shaky as Nina’s is, all it takes is the tap of the first domino and they all start falling down.

Ken returns to the room.

Helps her up off the floor.

Hugs her.

“Sorry, babe.” The wild outrage that was in his eyes only minutes ago has died away, but I don’t buy it and I hope Nina doesn’t either. “I had a really shitty day at work. And then I come home to that.” He gestures with a gentle tip of his chin to the papers strewn all over the floor as if they’re offensive. “I promise it won’t happen again. We just both need to do better, okay?”

We just both need to do better? What is that even supposed to mean? I shout at Nina.

She’s stunned, but there’s a vacant look about her that scares me to death. I’ve seen it before in her darkest days. When she lets depression take hold and take over, this is what it looks like. It’s been visiting her more and more frequently lately, but it just buried its claws in and I know I’m in for a fight. I have a sinking feeling it’s not going to let go this time.





*



Week six with Ken:

Ken is a liar.

He hit Nina again.

He apologized again.

She accepted again.

I’m furious.

Again.





*



Week seven with Ken:

Nina didn’t refill her prescription. She takes pills daily to balance her bipolar disorder. Yeah, did I mention that? She’s bipolar. Diagnosed when she was a teenager. The medication works. I argued loudly for the refill. She ignored me. When she stops taking the meds she plummets. I think she does it to punish herself because she doesn’t think she’s worthy. This is a bad sign.