The New Husband(102)

It wasn’t all a living nightmare. Earlier passages attested to Simon’s sweetness, his charm, how much he truly loved her. It was clear for the first time in her life that Allison felt adored and treasured. It must have been intoxicating to a young woman with little life experience. It had been for an older woman; Nina knew. Allison wrote about a moonlight stroll on the lakeshore, dancing to music of wind and waves, and Nina felt sick remembering how Simon had courted her.

I think what he loves most about me is my sense of style, how I’m not like all the other girls. I’ve got such a thing for the 60s and 70s, the fashion, the way women wore their hair. Simon loves my new haircut. He said I looked like a movie star. He thought I was so creative. I showed him the magazine where I got the idea from and he said I was more beautiful than the model.



The magazine.

Was it possible the magazine Allison referenced was the same issue of Vogue Simon had shown her—the one Nina had used to model her hairstyle? She had never checked the date on the cover, so it could have come from another decade; it could have belonged to Allison.

Nina spent too much time on the bed, flipping pages, reading passage after passage, forgetting for a moment she had broken into Simon’s home. She began to skim the pages, taking in what she could as quickly as possible, aware it was not in her best interests to linger, but unable to pull herself away. Certain entries stuck out like a lighthouse beacon sending its danger warning.

I told Simon I didn’t feel like he was paying enough attention to me and he snapped and said I was being too sensitive. He says I’m always nagging him about this or that. All of a sudden I’m defending myself when I was trying to talk about my feelings. I guess I just have to do better. It’s my fault. I know he hates it when I criticize him. His father criticized him constantly so it’s hard for him to hear. I’ll be more careful next time. And he’s right. I am too sensitive.

All I am is a failure. I can’t do anything right. Can’t fold his shirts right. Can’t cook a good meal. I’m not adventurous enough in bed. I feel like I’m constantly saying sorry. And when I tell him how he hurt my feelings, he just says I misunderstood him. I don’t know what to think. But I think he’s probably right.

Okay, that was a first. He hit me. And it hurt. Really, really hurt. But in fairness I did call him a son of a bitch. That’s because I wanted to go out with Heather and Marie and he wouldn’t give me any money, and I wasn’t about to ask them for cash. He said we were running low and couldn’t afford a night out, but I worked for that money. It’s mine! Right? Anyway, he punched me. Closed fist and all. And afterwards he was so so apologetic. He actually threw up, he was that upset! He was crying, crying, crying, telling me how sorry he was, begging me not to leave him, that he didn’t mean for it to happen. He gave me two hundred dollars and told me to go out and have the best time ever. Said don’t worry about him and that he’d be fine. But I couldn’t go out, not with him so upset. He’s never lost his temper like that before. Something must really be bothering him. Anyway, I didn’t think I had enough makeup to cover up the mark, so I stayed home. We ended up having a good night watching a movie, but he wouldn’t go to bed until I promised I forgave him. So I did.

We are working so hard on the relationship. I think it’s making a real difference. We’re not in therapy, not yet anyway. Simon says we can’t afford it. But we’re talking a lot and he really wants to change. I know it. We’re going to get through this. Together. I love him and he loves me. And that’s what matters. He’s had such a hard life. I mean both his parents died not that long ago. It’s traumatic. Even though his father was really abusive to him and his mother, it’s still really hard. He’s going through a lot. I’m really hopeful for our future and I know I can help him change. I just know it!

I don’t see my friends anymore. Simon hates them. All of them. He says he doesn’t trust them. Calls them a bunch of phonies. I told him he’s wrong, but he’s so sure of it that he said it’s either them or him. Like what I am supposed to do with that? Leave? Move out? And go live where? I have no money. None. And we’re working so hard on us, too. I’ll give it some time. I know we can figure this out. And then I’ll ask Marie if she called me a bitch behind my back like Simon said she did.

Simon’s been horrible lately. I think he yells at me just to see me cry. It’s like I do nothing around here. I cook. I clean. I work. I contribute! I am important, but he makes me feel so insignificant sometimes. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. He says I’m always upset about something and that’s why my friends don’t like me anymore. Maybe he’s right. Before Simon came along I was nothing, and without him I’ll be nothing again.

I’ve stopped cooking because Simon’s being so mean to me, which is really pissing him off. But he’s always upset with me about something, isn’t he? I’m perpetually subpar in his eyes. Any chance he gets, he’ll point out how other wives treat their husbands, but not me. I’m not a good wife at all. It’s hard to take these constant comparisons, but I guess the verbal slaps are preferable to the other kind.

Simon hit me again and I told him that was it. I was going to leave him. He said if I did that he’d kill me. He said it quickly, too, like he had planned it out already. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, I’m really scared. He’s been in this black mood for the longest time. I feel too ashamed and embarrassed to go back home. I mean, I ran away. My parents haven’t heard from me in years. I’ll never live it down! No, I have to figure this out on my own. It’s my fault. I’m doing it. I’m triggering his behavior. So if I’m responsible, I can fix it.