The Mortdecai Trilogy (Charlie Mortdecai #1-3)(151)

‘Then there’s another thing in the seducer’s favour: almost all women, whether they know it or not, are actually dyin’ to be seduced – it’s important to them, d’you see. Some want it because they’re not married, some because they are; some because they’re really too old for it and some because they’re too young, heh heh; beautiful women need it to flatter their vanity and ugly ones need reassurance; a very few need it because they’re over-sexed but these are the exceptions – most of them are really quite frigid but they go on assuming the horizontal in the hope that their next mount will be Mr Right himself, who will at last waken them and induce in their absurd insides the magical moment they have all read so much about in the garbage they all read. In short, I doubt whether there’s such a thing as an unseducible woman in the world. Tragic thing is, not one in a thousand is worth your powder and shot. Experto crede. Older ones, by and large, are the best value: they always think it might be their last time, d’you see.’

I’d had quite enough of this, it sounded like an editorial in the Boy’s Own Paper or an epilogue by a YMCA Warden, but, just as I was about to break in, the Earl was back in his stride, his pink and bulging eyes fixed on the ceiling, his voice sonorous.

‘Any man armed with this simple knowledge is invincible: he can cut a great swathe through the female ranks like an Attila as long as his glands hold out. He need not be handsome, glib or rich (although, a motor-car is considered pretty essential these days), indeed, it often rather helps to be poor, scrawny and tongue-tied. Even the portly need not despair, for experienced gels dread the assault of a bony pelvis and many of them associate us chubbier chaps with their fathers, for whom they have usually nurtured a furtive, pubescent passion.

‘As I say, the mere knowledge that it’s a bowler’s wicket should be enough to give the would-be stud all the advantage he needs, but while I’m on the subject I might as well dish out a few practical tips for which I have no further use. Are you taking notes?’

‘Well, no,’ I said, ‘as a matter of fact I –’

‘Then do so. Hey, waiter, bring a glass of brandy for my er, for this er, gentleman. No, no, you know, that other brandy. Now, listen attentively.

‘(A),’ he said, pronouncing the brackets perfectly, ‘you must flatter the target continuously and as grossly as you can without actually giving yourself the giggles – you simply cannot spread the butter on too thick. Never mind if they don’t believe it, the subject will nonetheless fascinate them.

‘(B); Remember that women feel the cold: I cannot stress this too strongly. A woman sitting in a draught is a mere inanimate lump, while a woman with warm hands and feet is an army with its flank turned – a battle half-won. See to it.

‘(C); Generations of readers of Peg’s Paper have been taught that the way to win a man’s heart is to encourage him to talk about himself. So never talk about yourself at all; this restraint will so craze them with curiosity that they will often surrender their chaste treasure in an effort to win your confidence.

‘(D); Fill them to the brim with hot, rich, food at frequent intervals, this is both cheaper and better than alcohol, which makes them weep or vomit or behave in other dreary ways. Food induces in them a delicious languor, most conducive to venery. Try some today – you can get it at Fortnum’s, of course, and Paxton and Whitfields and, er, Fortnum’s … places like that.

‘(E); Before making the final assault on a woman’s virtue, at all costs persuade her to remove her shoes. This can easily be achieved without any appearance of impropriety, yet she will instantly feel pleasantly undressed and vaguely surrendered. (She will also feel happier, for her shoes are almost certainly a size too small.) Encourage her to remove the rest of her clothes herself, a little at a time; this puts you in a very strong position indeed.

‘(F); Calm her fears continually during the penultimate stage; speak soothing, meaningless words to her as you would to a spirited horse, particularly if she is at all religious. If necessary, you can explain to her that you are not really doing it to her at all: she will believe this against the evidence of her senses if it is put to her reasonably. Indeed, this is sometimes the only way with the very devout ones.

‘(G); Take particular care not to ladder stockings, tear shoulder-straps or disarrange hair-styles, particularly if the target is a poor gel. Virginities are for giving away, after all, but a good hair-do can cost as much as two or three guineas, did you know that?

‘ “All this is all very well” I hear you say’ – I opened my mouth and then shut it resignedly – ‘ “and we’re damned grateful and so forth, but what about getting rid of them when we’ve lost interest and have our eyes on a bit of fresh? How about a few tips on that, eh?” “Ah,” I reply,’ he boomed on, ‘ “there you have me”, for a woman scorned is a pretty adhesive thing and a serious threat to the environment, as they say nowadays. There’s no fixed rule. Sometimes you can, so to speak, recycle her by fobbing her off on a less gifted friend but I usually find that the best thing is to be frank and manly about it: explain to the subject in kindly words that she has been but the plaything of an idle hour and that now you propose to cast her aside like a soiled glove. Some will acidly reply that “there’s plenty of fresh further up” but most will be so furiously vexed that their love for you will vanish like a rat up a gutter, and they will make their own way to the soiled-glove bin at high speed.’