The Lying Hours (How to Date a Douchebag #5)(56)

“Know what you should do, Hannah?”

“No, but I bet you’re going to tell me.”

“Take some of your own advice. Download the stupid LoveU app and find someone to…” I search for a metaphor. “Fill your tank.”

Her lip curls. “Seriously, Skylar? My tank? There’s a visual I could have done without.”

Pfft. “This is a conversation I could have done without, but you left me no choice.”

“Oh god, you knew damn well I was going to pounce on you the minute you walked through the door, so don’t act surprised. You’re my best friend—it’s my job.” Hannah spreads her arms wide. “I don’t see Jessica or Bethany lining up to hear the gritty details.”I push her legs off me and stand. “Thank God for that. They can’t keep secrets.”

“Don’t you walk away from me, young lady! We’re not done here. Come fill my tank! With stories! Come fill my love tank with stories. Pleeeeeeease…”

I laugh all the way to the kitchen, setting my bowl on the counter next to the sink. “Keep it down in there. You want Nathan and Misty to call the office on us?” Again. “One of these days, your loud screeching is going to get us evicted.”

“We can live with JB and Abe—that dude has the hots for me so bad.”

“JB?”

“Uh, yeah.”

I can see that. Hannah seems more like his type: flashy, outgoing, with light blonde hair and fire on her tongue and in her brown eyes. She’s beautiful, lively, and sexy.

And hard up.

“Why don’t you hit him up to fill your love tank?”

“I don’t want or need a hump and dump from some random dude, okay? My ego couldn’t take it. I want to screw someone who’s going to at least call me the next day so I can block his number.”

I return to the couch, sitting cross-legged in the corner. “Here’s a thought: maybe you should try getting to know someone first.”

“Stop.” Her palm is raised, halting my speech. “Now you sound like me. Plus, you know I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

“I know you’re not looking, but what if one finds you?”

“Not into it.” Her tone is dismissive, and now she’s actively ignoring me. Or pretending to. “No longer listening,” she sing-songs, focused on a magazine.

“Giant penis.”

The magazine gets tossed to the carpet as Hannah flies off the couch. “I knew it! I knew he had a huge penis!”

“All I said was giant penis. You need to calm down and rein in the vocal stylings.”

I’m laughing, she’s laughing—we’re so loud there is no doubt we’ll be getting a phone call from the property management to give us yet another noise warning. We simply cannot contain ourselves.

Hannah is hilarious.

“If I didn’t know any better,” I say after I can breathe again, “I’d think all you’re doing is trying to use different words for a dick in one evening.”

“I have a list. It’s very much coming in handy right now, I must say.”

“Why the hell do you have a list of alternatives for the word dick?”

She fluffs her hair. “I’m going to write a romance novel one of these days. It’s on my bucket list, and you can’t keep using the same name over and over for peen. It has to be different. And you can’t call it a man sword, or a shaft. That’s gross—readers would hate that.”

I’m at a loss for words myself here. “Uhhh…”

“I have other lists, too. Like for sex, and your downtown lady business. And a huge list of curse words.” Hannah sighs, content. “I love the internet. Did you know there are entire videos online listing profanity? You can spend hours doing that.”

“And you’ve spent hours doing that?”

“Just once, when it was raining.” Rain. As if that’s a valid reason for blowing an entire day watching YouTube videos. “Anyway, I have a folder filled with words. You can borrow it whenever.”

We have gotten so off topic, my head is spinning. “I’m going to bed.”

“Fine. But I’m not letting you off the hook—we’re going to finish this conversation later.”

My back hits my bedroom door and I lean on it, biting back a smile. Hannah might be nosey, outspoken, and inappropriate, but she’s also the best best friend anyone could ask for. So, when she brings Abe up again, I’ll give her all the dirty details she wants.

But for now, they’re mine.

All mine.



Abe: Thinkin bout you. What are you up to?

Me: I just climbed in bed. Hannah and I were talking.

Abe: About us? Haha.

Me: Yes, actually.

Abe: So she knows?

Me: Yeah, she knows. She won’t say anything to anyone though. I trust her. What about JB?

Abe: No, he didn’t come home this morning until we had to leave for practice.

Me: He spent the night next door?! Whoa. Rachel really pulled through. I wonder what favor she’ll call in.

Abe: I don’t even want to think about it. You girls scare me.

Me: Do I scare you?

Abe: Uh, yeah—you’re kind of dirty and mean in bed.