The Lying Hours (How to Date a Douchebag #5)(43)

“Not butt stuff, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Good lord. “Why would I think that! I never said anything about butt stuff.”

Hannah pulls a face. “When someone says the word stuff, my brain immediately goes to butt.” She doesn’t even look embarrassed. “Butt stuff. Can’t help it.”

“Did you have sex with Rick and not tell me about it?”

“No, but I let him touch my lady business.”

Yeah, that’s right—I do remember her mentioning how terrible he was, all fingers and not enough tongue. Poor guy must not have studied up hard enough. It was so bad, she refused to go out with him again.

“I should have gone to the dance with Lyle. He went with Mindy Kissler and she said he gave her two orgasms.”

“But he was in love with you!”

“You can’t blame the guy for moving on after I gave him the green weenie, Skylar. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

“Who told you that?”

“Um. No one?”

“Hannah.”

“Ugh, fine—it was that loser JB. When we were at the restaurant, at the bar, he was hitting on me pretty hard. I wanted to clock him, but I fought the urge.”

“Why didn’t you tell me!”

“I didn’t think I had to! We both hated the guy, and I knew you weren’t going to see him again, so why add salt to the wound?”

“There is no wound. The only hurt I feel is—” I stop myself from saying it, though we both know what was about to come out of my mouth. The only hurt I feel is from Abe lying to me.

Because I like him.

Liked. Past tense.

“But now that you mention it…” Hannah is all soft whispers and sweet talking.

“I wasn’t mentioning it.”

“Regardless. I just have one thing to say, one little nuggy of advice.”

Nuggy? Instead of nugget? Great, now she’s abbreviating everyday words to make them cute.

“Let’s say Abe did fall for you—what then?”

“Hannah. He lied.”

“Did he though?”

Is she for real? “Uh—yes.”

“But the account wasn’t his, and he never claimed it was.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is, he would go in, swipe on people, have a quick chat with them, turn the chat over to JB, and bail until the date was done. You were the one and only person he actually had conversations with. The only one.”

Wait. What? “How the hell do you know all this?”

There is no way Jack Bartlett told her this information; on our date, he was still pretending we knew each other, albeit extremely poorly.

“Hannah. Did Abe contact you?”

She avoids my glare, picking at the cuticle on her right hand.

“Hannah! Look at me. Look me in the eye and tell me Abe didn’t contact you!”

She won’t turn her head.

“Oh my god, I’m going to kill you.” This is beyond…I don’t know what, but it is! It’s beyond! “He got to you, didn’t he? You’re on his side now!”

Finally, she spins her body. “I am on the side of true love!”

Oh.

My. God.

I roll my eyes; it’s the only possible response, really. “Abe Davis is hardly my true love.”

“He could be! How do you know if you don’t give him a chance?”

I don’t believe this. “Oh my god, what did he say to you? Is he paying you? Blackmailing you?”

“Give me some credit here, would ya? I know sincerity when I hear it, and I heard it in that boy’s voice.”

Fine.

I might be a skosh curious. Just a smidge.

Like, this much.

“All right. What…” I clear my throat, determined not to sound eager. “Start from the beginning.”

Hannah clears her throat too, winding up for a good storytelling. “It was a dark and stormy night…” She raises her arms and wiggles her fingers, like she’s about to tell a good haunted house story.

Did I mention she drives me insane sometimes?

“I’m going to smother you with a pillow.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say that all the time.” My roommate gets comfortable on the bed, leaning back, pinning a more serious expression to her face. “Monday I get a call from an unknown number. Normally I’d never answer, but I was waiting for my doctor to call with some lab results, so I answered it.” Dramatic pause. “It wasn’t my doctor.”

Lab results? She’s so full of shit.

I flop to my back, knowing I’m in for the long haul. She’s going to drag this story out and torture me with it.

“The first thing Abe said to me was ‘Don’t hang up,’ real hurried like, which was a weird thing to say because I had no idea who was calling at that point.” Hannah rolls her eyes. “And obviously the first thing I wanted to do was hang up. Haha. But…I didn’t.”

Confession: I am hanging on her every word and she damn well knows it.

“The second thing he said after I agreed to hear him out was ‘The second I saw Skylar, it was like a punch to the gut. I knew I wasn’t going to make it out the other side without some collateral damage.’”