The Love of My Life(56)

‘That’s why I wrote to you, rather than David.’ My voice held, and Jill gave me an encouraging smile. ‘I didn’t want his wife to find the letter. This situation is bad enough without someone else’s marriage being ruined.’

‘Very considerate of you. Especially given the circumstances.’

Good start, Jill wrote, on the back of an envelope. He seems nice.

‘Look,’ he continued. ‘Emily. I am so sorry that this has happened. It shouldn’t have done.’

I agreed, although there was no spirit in my voice.

‘Can I send money? That’s not why I’m calling,’ he added, quickly. ‘But right now, in the immediate term, before we make a plan, would money help?’

Jill and I looked at each other. ‘Is this . . . ?’ The words dried in my throat. ‘This isn’t . . .’

‘Silence money?’ Jeremy asked, softly. ‘God, no, Emily. Look, my cousin is an overgrown child. He’s irresponsible, incredibly stupid and unfortunately very good at charming people. But he’s not a bad man, no more than I am. I’m calling to work out how I can help.’

‘OK.’ We talked around in circles for a while – including, briefly, about Granny, who it turned out he’d interviewed when he was starting out as a journalist: ‘She shredded me,’ he admitted, and I could hear him smile. For a moment I smiled, too, because Granny took great pleasure in shredding people, especially ambitious young men.

I told him she didn’t yet know I was pregnant. She was old, and had led a life of excess. ‘She smoked like a chimney,’ I explained, although he probably already knew. ‘She worked too hard, she drank, she never said no. She seems healthy enough at the moment but I don’t feel I can rely on her. Not in a long-term way.’

There was a pause. ‘From what I remember of your grandmother,’ Jeremy said, ‘she would be quite furious to hear you say that.’

‘She would.’

‘OK, look.’ His voice changed. Jill leaned in to the phone, even though the volume was loud enough.

‘Janice,’ he said, then paused. ‘I’m sorry. This is difficult. It’s not something I – we – talk about. But Janice and I are . . . well, unable to have children. It’s been a very difficult few years. Awful, actually.’

Cautiously, I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I waited for him to go on.

‘A while back we started the adoption process. We’re about halfway through the second stage, which means that in as little as two months we could be approved and ready to find a child.’

Oh God, Jill mouthed.

‘And although I’m sure we can work out an arrangement where David pays you an allowance, probably through me, so as to protect his wife, who of course has no idea – I wonder if that’s enough or if you might consider a different kind of solution.’

Oh God, I mouthed back at Jill.

I asked Jeremy to expand, even though there was little doubt where he was heading.

‘What I mean is that you sound very much like a woman who does not want to have to stop her life and bring up a child,’ he said. ‘Although please do correct me if I’m wrong. You may be thrilled at the idea.’

I stayed silent. What did a woman who doesn’t want to stop her life for a child sound like?

‘What I’m trying to say, although, God knows, it’s not easy – is that Janice and I would be open to a discussion about adopting the baby. If the idea held some appeal. And I appreciate it might not.’

SHIT, wrote Jill, on the envelope.

I wrote a tick next to ‘SHIT’.

‘Emily, I don’t expect you to know what to say straight away. I nearly wrote all of this down in a letter, in fact, so you’d be able to digest it alone, and not feel pressured to say anything.’

I wished he had.

Jeremy waited a few moments, but continued when I didn’t say anything. ‘Legally, it wouldn’t be too complicated, because David and I are cousins. We’d all still have to go through the proper system, of course, but as I said we’re already on that road.’

‘So – so you’ve told David? He knows?’

Jeremy’s voice softens. ‘He does, yes.’

‘And he doesn’t . . . He doesn’t want to . . .’

He sighed. ‘I’m afraid not. But he’d be happy for us to adopt the child, if that was something you ever wanted to consider.’

‘Right. OK.’ My face burned. I was no more than an inconvenience, a silly pregnant student he hoped would go away.

‘I’m sorry,’ Jeremy said, quietly. ‘I know that’s hard.’

Jill held my hand for a moment. Then she started scribbling on the envelope again. Why this baby? she wrote.

‘Er – why this baby?’ I asked obediently.

‘What do you mean?’

I looked at Jill. I had no idea what she’d meant.

Weird it’s his cousin’s? she scribbled.

‘Would you not find it difficult – strange, even – bringing up your cousin’s baby? I mean, what if David’s wife found out?’ I added, as the wheels of my brain began to turn again. ‘How would he feel, seeing the child all the time? What if he changed his mind and said he wanted to bring it up himself?’