The Lost Man(46)

From time to time, Nathan had wondered if Cameron knew what had happened that once between him and Ilse. If so, he hadn’t heard about it from Nathan. Although Nathan had been tempted to tell him once or twice when Cam was being a dickhead. Cam might well have asked Ilse – he’d known Nathan had been interested back then – but the fact Nathan had never heard a word about it made him pretty sure his and Ilse’s shared secret had stayed a secret.

Nathan had done his part, keeping his mouth shut and keeping his distance ever since that first time he’d run into her in the kitchen of this house. It had been the first Christmas after his public banishment. There was no sign the festive season had put anyone in a forgiving mood, and Jacqui had dug her heels in and refused to send Xander for even a few days. Nathan would have been happy enough to lie in a dark room with a sheet over his head, but Liz had insisted he come to stay. In the end, she had worn him down until it was easier to give in than to argue. Weary from the effort and dusty from the drive over, he had gone into the kitchen in search of a beer and instead found Ilse.

When she had turned, water jug in hand, Nathan had honestly thought for one crazy and exhilarating moment that she was there to see him. The sight of Cameron walking through the kitchen door and right up to her had been like a gut punch that had taken Nathan’s breath away.

‘You two have introduced yourselves?’ Cameron had said, and Nathan thought his brother had actually winked at him. Head reeling, Nathan had barely been able to nod. He had sat mute during dinner as the rest of the family chatted to Cameron’s new girlfriend. Attempts to draw Nathan into the conversation had been met with grunts. He hadn’t trusted himself to speak.

Afterwards, he had been hovering in the hall and debating whether he could simply leave, when Ilse had found him. They were alone, standing close, but not too close. An appropriate gap between them.

‘It’s good to see you again,’ she’d said.

‘You too.’ He’d both truly meant it and truly hadn’t at the same time.

‘You never came back to the pub.’

‘No.’ He’d rubbed a hand over his chin and had the sudden overwhelming urge to sit down and tell her everything. All the things that were weighing so heavy on his mind. How hard the last few months had been, how deeply he regretted what he’d done to Keith, how scared he felt about the future. How he’d missed seeing her. Then from somewhere outside, very faint, Cameron’s voice had floated into the hall. Nathan had taken a shallow breath. ‘I had a few things going on.’

‘So I heard.’ Ilse had waited. Then, when he didn’t say any more: ‘You look like you’ve been having a difficult time.’

‘I’m fine.’ His voice had cracked and he’d swallowed. ‘It’ll be fine.’ He’d looked down at her and known what he should say. The apology was already forming on his tongue when a door slammed somewhere along the hall and they’d both jumped. Ilse had taken a small step away, then another. The appropriate distance was now a little too far to speak easily.

‘I actually didn’t expect to see you here.’ She looked uncomfortable now.

‘Yeah, well, Cameron’s my brother.’

‘I know, but he said –’ She stopped. ‘Nathan, I didn’t know that when I met him.’ She held his gaze. ‘I’m sorry.’

He made himself look her straight in the eye, and shrugged. ‘Really doesn’t bother me.’

Her face had hardened, and her smile was a fraction late. ‘Good.’

Maybe Ilse hadn’t known they were brothers, Nathan thought, but Cameron obviously had. And fine, Ilse was a grown woman and it wasn’t like Nathan owned her after one roll around in the back of his car. And maybe he was dead wrong, but Cameron hadn’t even seemed that interested until Nathan had called up begging.

‘Please, Cam. There’s a girl. A nice one. Working behind the bar.’

‘Oh yeah. She’s all right.’

Sophie had been born ten months later and Cameron and Ilse had got married four months after that. Nathan hadn’t gone. Instead he’d driven eighteen hours to Brisbane. He’d turned up on Jacqui’s doorstep with his custody agreement in hand and they’d screamed at each other until someone called the cops.

Now, he watched as Ilse directed the girls to pick up their toys. She seemed distracted and he got the sense that she wanted to talk about something – Jenna Moore, he guessed – but couldn’t with her daughters in the room. Instead, he pointed at the wall planner and the crossed-out markings.

‘What’s all this? Was Cam going to change the mustering times next year?’

‘Oh.’ Ilse stood up and joined him in front of the calendar. ‘No. I mean, it was a thought.’

Nathan frowned as he deciphered the notes. ‘What would it involve? Move them here, and here?’

‘Yes, and same thing again, later.’

She took a thick diary from her desk and opened it so he could see.

‘Move the dates like this –’ She pointed and her hand brushed his arm. ‘Avoid the bottlenecks, and that contractor clash with Atherton that happens every year. I also thought if we coordinated with you – if you were interested, obviously – but then we’d get the scale benefits.’

Nathan frowned, flipping through the pages of her neat writing. ‘Yeah, maybe.’