The Lost Child (Detective Lottie Parker #3)(66)

‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’

‘You’re in some mood tonight.’

‘Pot and kettle.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I… Lottie, give me a break. I just came round to see if you’re doing okay. After today, you know…’

‘I’m fine.’ She chewed the inside of her lip, not liking where the conversation was headed.

‘That’s not what Katie… Shit!’

Bottle of Coke in one hand, a glass in the other, Lottie stared open-mouthed at him. She hadn’t expected that. ‘What are you saying? Come on, Boyd. Out with it.’

‘It’s nothing. Katie rang me. Said you were having a meltdown and would I come have a chat with you.’

‘Jesus Christ.’ She handed him the glass. ‘You should have brought wine.’

‘Thanks.’ He twisted it around in his hand.

She poured a glass for herself. Her phone rang. She glanced at it. Saw the caller ID.

‘Are you not answering it?’ he asked.

‘It’s only Annabelle. She can leave a message. I suppose Katie contacted her too. She’s probably checking up that I didn’t take an overdose.’

‘Don’t be so disparaging. People care about you. Sometimes you reach a stage where you have to admit you need help, and when it’s offered, you should take it.’

‘So it’s Dr Phil sitting at my table, not my friend Boyd.’

‘I am your friend. Don’t you get it, Lottie? You had a bitch of a day today, a horrible week, and you need to talk about it. No use burying your head in the sand.’

They sipped their drinks to the sound of Louis whimpering and Katie soothing him in the other room, and the rain bashing against the windows.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No one can understand,’ Lottie said.

‘Try me.’

She kept her eyes downcast, swirling the Coke in the glass.

‘I’m drowning, Boyd. That’s what it feels like. I have this feeling inside, just here.’ She drummed her chest with her fist. ‘It’s consuming me. I feel so selfish. I can’t love anyone. Not even my children. Do you know why?’

‘Tell me.’ His face was etched with concern; his eyes swimming with unspoken words.

‘I’m afraid,’ she said, lowering her eyes from his gaze. ‘If I love, I will lose. And I can’t lose them. Not my children. Oh God, if anything happened to them, to any one of them or to little Louis, I’d throw myself into Lough Cullion. Can you understand that?’

‘I understand that you love your children and Louis. You love them so much you’re afraid to reveal it. You think that if you show how much you care, you’ll get hurt or you’ll hurt them. This is life, Lottie. We all get hurt. But we are the grown-ups. We can handle it. Right? You loved Adam, then he died. And that is your only problem. You don’t know how to cope with the guilt.’

‘Guilt?’

‘Maybe not guilt. Maybe it’s fear. I’m not Dr Phil, but I believe you’re so consumed with a fear of losing all you love that you push everyone away. There’s this giant barrier, like a… like a force field around you, repelling each and every person you care for. You need to break it down, Lottie, or it will break you.’

She smiled weakly. ‘Thanks, Boyd. You’ve put into words exactly how I feel.’ She knew he was so right. Her fear of loss meant she kept him away too. ‘Now no more talk about me. I’ll be fine.’

A soft silence descended on them.

‘I can’t understand why Emma was killed,’ he said at last. His words immediately brought a chill to the room. It settled on Lottie’s shoulders.

‘Maybe she saw or knew something,’ she said. ‘I suspect there’s something about the night Tessa was murdered that we’ve missed. We’ll go back over every bit of evidence in the morning. I won’t rest until this is solved.’

‘Stop. Don’t beat yourself up. Whoever killed her wanted to wipe that whole family out. They’re on a mission and I don’t think you or anyone else would have stopped them.’

‘But why? We need to dig beneath the surface of this.’

The front door opened and closed.

‘Well, if it isn’t himself… Boyd. Am I right?’

‘Hello, Mrs Fitzpatrick.’ Boyd stood and shook her hand.

Rose dropped her umbrella into the sink and shifted out of her raincoat, handing it to Boyd to hang up in the hall. ‘It’s an awful night to be out.’

‘What has you out in it?’ Lottie asked, taking no notice of Boyd’s cautionary look from behind her mother’s back.

‘Dropped in to see if everything was all right.’

Had Katie called her mother? She was going to kill that girl.

‘Everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be?’

‘I heard about that poor child. Tessa Ball’s granddaughter. Terrible business altogether.’

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ Boyd offered.

Lottie glared. It was her house!

‘Sure, why not?’

As Boyd filled the kettle, Lottie asked, ‘Did you hear Marian Russell died today too?’

Rose paled. ‘No, I never heard that.’