The King (Black Dagger Brotherhood #12)(173)

He sighed. “They want the money. I make it happen. I make it safe.”

“And they … you get paid for this as well.”

“Yeah.”

She had to sit down before she fell over—and went toward the bed before thinking, No, not there. Instead, she chose the loveseat that was in front of the fireplace. Settling in, she tucked her feet underneath her bottom and made sure the skirting covered all of her skin.

“How long?” she heard herself ask.

“Years. Decades. First I was a supervisor. Now I’m the boss.”

“I can’t imagine … that.”

He rubbed his temples. “I know you can’t.”

Abruptly, Selena found herself struggling to stay still. Her internal compass was spinning around so fast, she could barely form a sentence. “You know what? Just tell me everything. At the moment, my head is making up all kinds of horrible things and I—”

“The worst part is that I’ve been with a couple thousand women. Easy.”

At first, she thought, No, she couldn’t have heard that right. But the wave of cold that went through her suggested that actually, she had gotten it correct.

“Thousand,” she said weakly.

“That’s a conservative estimate. Could be close to ten. Thousand, that is. Shit, maybe even more.”

Selena blinked. Okay, when he’d maintained previously that it was “many” human women? She’d thought a couple dozen, tops. But the numbers he was talking about? Even by ehros standards, they were … unfathomable.

As she tried to imagine all the different scenarios he could have … “Were any of them women you…”

“Yeah. For a long time, I wouldn’t sell a prostitute until I’d had her.”

With a wave of nausea shooting through her gut, all Selena could do was stare at him.

“You are correct,” she heard herself say. “I do not know you.”

“God, Selena, I’m so f*cking sorry—I should never have been with you. Not because I didn’t want you, but because I … well, yeah, because I knew that this was the reaction I’d get if I told you the truth. And actually, last night, I came here to try to explain, but then I just…”

She put her face in her hands, images of him kissing her, caressing her, taking her, hitting her like blows. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I don’t blame you,” he said bleakly.

And yet there was no reason to recast reality as a way to reclaim virtue she had lost willingly. “I seduced you.” She dropped her hands. “I asked for what I got.”

“No, it is solidly on me—”

“Just stop.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

So was she. Because the sad truth was that she had enjoyed being with him. Indeed, while it was happening, it had been a kind of paradise. Unfortunately, that illusion was as transient as the act, and now that it was over? The pleasure was as if it had never been.

“Selena, whatever it is you’re thinking, you can say it—”

“I wish I had been born into another life,” she blurted. “I should have liked falling in love with a single male and finding a humble place in the world with him. I do not think I would have wanted for anything like that, no matter how little we had.”

“That can still be for you.” His voice became utterly flat. “That can happen—any male would want you.”

Ah, yes, but there was only one person she wanted. And even if Trez had been a saint, which he clearly was not, she was still out of time.

“It’s all right.” She struggled to hold back tears—and was successful. After all, soon she would be alone. “It is what it is. I have learned long ago, there is no negotiating with destiny.”

They fell silent for the longest time.

“I don’t love her,” he gritted out. “I don’t know why I feel like I have to say that, but I do.”

“The one you are mating? Yes, you said that before.” Abruptly, she stared across the way at him, noting his lowered head, his aura of sorrow. “Ironic, but we are not so different, you and I.”

As his eyes shifted to hers, she shrugged. “I have had no hand in my destiny, either. The tragedy is that some things follow us like shadows—they are with us wherever we go.”

“Yeah. I just never cared about that. Until I met you.”

She thought of the Sanctuary’s cemetery, of her sisters who had been relegated to a shortened life span, and had had to wait to die in a prison of their own bodies. Then she remembered the feel of him moving inside of her, the liquid warmth flowing throughout her muscles and bones.

“Did you love them?” she asked.

“Who? Oh, the women … no. Never. At all. Hell, half the time I didn’t really enjoy it.” He cracked his neck like those shoulder muscles of his were stiffening up again. “I really don’t know what the f*ck I was thinking. I was out of control and just trying to get out of my own head. The problem is, all those women are inside of me now.”

“Inside…?”

“My people believe that you can poison yourself if you have … if you’re with people the way I was. And I have—poisoned myself. It’s eaten me up until there’s nothing in here.”