The House of Eve (90)

I brought her sleeping body to my mouth and kissed her everywhere. Part of me wished I hadn’t seen her, because I knew in my heart that giving her away would be near impossible. But now that she was here, I couldn’t look away.

“My little Grace,” I whispered into her tiny ear. The name had just come to me, but as soon as I said it I knew it was hers.

When the nurse came back to retrieve Grace, I didn’t want to let her go.

“Can’t she stay here with me a little longer?”

“I said not to get attached. I’ll bring her back for her next feeding. This is just a job. You are supplying her with the nutrients she needs in these next five days so that she will be strong and healthy. That’s it.”

She took the baby from me and left me alone.



* * *



I had lost a lot of blood during her delivery, so I was kept at the clinic for the entire five days I had with Grace. Every few hours they brought her to me and let me feed her. I unwrapped her each time and tried to memorize every detail about her. Sometimes as she sucked, she would lock eyes with me, and I’d wonder what was going on in that tiny little head. Did she know that we only had a short time together?

While Grace slept in the nursery, I passed the time wondering if I was doing the right thing. I knew what I had promised, but that was before I held Grace in my arms. She was no longer an egg, a problem to solve. She was my flesh and blood, and I loved seeing her face, smelling her breath and feeling her soft skin against mine.

But there was Mrs. Shapiro and the scholarship. I kept hearing Aunt Marie’s voice. You want to be poor like the rest of us. Stuck with a baby you can’t feed.

Then I thought of Inez, and how much she hated me. Blamed me for ruining her life and tempting her men. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like that toward Grace, but maybe Inez had told herself the same thing when I was born. I wanted my baby. I wanted to take care of her, and love her, and raise her up right. But where would I put her? Aunt Marie had been kind in taking me in, but I couldn’t burden her with a child, too. We barely made ends meet each month.

At the Gingerbread House, I had seen what happened to girls who changed their mind and ended up in the shaming room. No matter how many times I turned a future with Grace over in my head, there was only one option, and I knew it.



* * *



When they brought Grace to me for the last time, I cried through the entire feeding. I wondered if she sensed my sadness from the shaking of my chest, as she cried, too, more than I’d ever seen. She would only settle down to suck for a moment before throwing her head back in a tantrum. We kept this up until I swallowed back my tears and sang to her.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” It was the song that Inez had sung to me when I cried for Nene in those first few months of living in a new apartment with Inez and her boyfriend. I remembered the way she had made figure eights on my back while she sang to me. Inez could be nice when she wanted to.

The song calmed Grace, and eventually she gave in to the lull of sleep.

I was kissing the top of her curly head when the nurse walked in.

She reached for Grace.

I held her tight.

“I told you not to get attached,” she said when she saw the tears streaking my cheeks. “She’s going to a better place.”

The Our Father prayer that I said down on my knees scrubbing the floors throughout my pregnancy tumbled from my lips. I squeezed Grace so close to my chest that she stirred. The nurse reached for her, but I couldn’t let her go. Then the nurse pinched me hard and snatched her from my arms.





CHAPTER FORTY SO SLOW



Eleanor




After five days filled with anxiety and restlessness, Mother Margaret finally called again.

“Mrs. Pride, this is Mother Margaret.”

“Good evening.” Eleanor’s fingers clenched around the receiver.

“I’m calling with good news. Your baby will be cleared for pickup tonight.”

“Tonight?” she shrieked.

“Yes. I’ll meet you at the same address at nine o’clock sharp. Please remember to bring your final donation so that we can continue our work.”

“Yes, of course. We will be there.”

William stood in the doorway and Eleanor ran into his arms. “Tonight, at nine.”

“Told you to be patient.” He touched her cheek.

“You did. This is unbelievable. I’m in awe.”

“Let me shower the hospital off so that I can be fresh to greet our child.” He squeezed her hands. “You did good, baby. Real good.”



* * *



Eleanor was glad that they would travel to Mother Margaret’s office under the cover of night. She didn’t want to risk any of her neighbors getting a good look at her as she left the house, because she wasn’t going to strap on her cumbersome pregnancy padding. When she held her son for the first time, she didn’t want anything between them.

It was only eight o’clock by the time William had showered and dressed, and they both itched to leave. Eleanor suggested they take the long route to kill time. It had been a long time since she had actually left the house, and the night air felt good against her face as she slipped into the front seat. The car smelled like new leather, like William had just had it cleaned.