The Guilty Couple(14)

My social worker told me that London Zoo, the setting for my first supervised meeting with Grace, was ‘a neutral location where the distractions may help ease some of the awkwardness and pressure that you and Grace might feel’. I suspect the zoo was Esther’s suggestion. If I thought my ex-daughter-in-law had tried to have my son killed I wouldn’t be in any hurry to let her into my house either.

My mind buzzes as we walk, in silence, past the Gorilla Kingdom and towards Penguin Beach. I should say something – it’s down to me to knock down the invisible barrier between us – but I’m worried that if I get it wrong I’ll add even more bricks to the wall. Every question I think of sounds trite. Grace won’t want to tell me about school or her hobbies. She won’t want me to know about her friends or any boys she might like. We’ve got five years to fill and I don’t know where to start. So much has happened in the last twenty-four hours that I can’t hold onto a thought for more than a couple of seconds before another one crowds it out.

Yesterday, I returned from being booted out of Nancy’s house to Ayesha’s empty flat. She’d told me she was going away on a work trip but I’d forgotten and the silent flat, and the sounds of life – footsteps, shouts, laughter and random bangs and bumps – in the rest of the block, unnerved me. For the first time since I’d left prison I felt misplaced and unsafe. My thoughts turned to Smithy, lying on the top bunk of our cell with someone else in the bed below her. My bed. Smithy would be laughing, chatting and taking the piss. A wave of loneliness washed over me. I had no one to talk to and very little credit on my phone so I kept myself busy, watering Ayesha’s plants and cleaning the flat.

I slept fitfully and when my alarm went off a little after seven I peeled myself off the sofa, tired and sore. My appointment with the job agency was at 9.30 a.m. It was a ‘monitored appointment’ – part of my probation terms – and if I missed it I’d be screwed. Besides, I was skint.

I’d used up a huge chunk of my savings paying my defence team. The rest went to my solicitor after Dominic filed for divorce. The house belongs to his parents and I received next to nothing in the settlement. There was no money in the art gallery I co-owned with my friend Lee either. He’d dissolved it when he couldn’t keep up with the debts.

‘I’ve got an interview for a job,’ I tell Grace.

Her blue eyes flicker in my direction. ‘Doing what?’

‘Cleaner.’ The member of staff at the job agency for ex-cons had laughed when I’d requested a position in the arts. ‘I need to save up some money so that—’

Two shadows sweep over my feet. Esther and George have crept closer. They can hear every word I say.

‘So I can rent a flat of my own,’ I continue. ‘Somewhere big enough for you to stay too.’

There’s a spark of anger in my daughter’s eyes. ‘Don’t bother. If I can’t stay with Dad I’d rather sleep on the streets than live with you.’

The heat hits me full in the face as I follow Grace through the plastic flaps at the entrance to the Butterfly Paradise enclosure and a large black and white butterfly swoops past, making me duck.

‘Grace!’ I touch her on the shoulder. ‘What did you mean, if you can’t stay with Dad?’

She spins around as though stung. Her cheeks are pink from the heat but her eyes are narrowed and cold. ‘Don’t pretend you care.’

She stalks through the enclosure and tucks herself into the small space between a butterfly feeding station and a window that allows visitors to look at developing cocoons. In her black leggings and close-fitting pink T-shirt she looks much slighter than she did in her school uniform, but she’s nearly as tall as me. The last time I saw her her cheek would press against my stomach when we hugged. Not that there’s any chance of a hug now, she can’t even bring herself to look at me. Her body is angled towards the butterfly feeding post, forcing me to talk to her back.

‘Grace, of course I care. That’s why I went to your school to see you, it’s why I’m here now.’

She mumbles something I can’t hear.

‘What was that, love?’

‘If you hadn’t gone to prison, you’d have run off with Jack and left me behind.’

My breath catches in my throat. There’s no way she can have known about my affair. She never met Jack, I was really careful about that. How many lies have Dom and his parents fed her over the last five years? How much damage have they done?

‘That’s not true.’ A woman with two kids, one in a buggy, one holding her hand, passes between us and I lower my voice. ‘I did fall in love with Jack but I’d never have chosen him over you. If I’d left Dad I would have taken you with me.’

‘Liar. I can’t trust any of you.’

‘Grace, that’s not true.’

‘How would you know?’ She turns sharply, her eyes shining with emotion. ‘You don’t know anything about my life. You don’t know anything about me.’

The urge to reach out and touch her, to comfort her, is so strong I have to push my hands deep into my pockets.

‘You’re right. I don’t know anything about your life now but I do know you, sweetheart. For seven years I loved you and I looked after you and—’

‘And then you left me. Just like Dad’s going to.’