The Guilt Trip(20)

But she’d had no idea that Paige had felt she was being put through the wringer.

“I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,” she says now.

“It’s no biggie,” says Paige, smiling. “It was a long time ago and look what came of it. We’d never be here if you and Noah hadn’t made as much effort to stay friends.”

Rachel looks fleetingly at Noah, but he turns and sets off down the fruit aisle.



* * *



By the time they get back to the villa, the midday sun has burned away all the wispy clouds that hung over the hillside that morning.

“It’s nice enough to go for a swim in the pool,” says Paige as they take a couple of shopping bags each from the back of the minivan.

“There’s a door over there that leads straight up to the kitchen,” says Will, nodding toward the corner of the carport under the house.

“I’ll go round the side,” says Rachel. “I want to check the temperature of the pool before I get my one-piece on.”

“You wimp!” Noah laughs. “I remember a time when you’d dive straight in, regardless.”

She looks at him ruefully. She had been that person once, thinking nothing of jostling her way to the front of the line for the three-hundred-foot bungee jump in Cyprus, fearlessly waving to Noah, who lost his stomach on the teacup ride at Disney.

But it wasn’t just in the literal sense that she’d once been so daring. She’d stood tall and proud as the president of her university’s debating society, always passionate about bringing the topics that mattered to the fore, despite how unpopular it may have made her.

But somewhere along the way, she’d lost that chutzpah, that need to be the best version of herself. She guessed it was around the same time that she gave birth to Josh, and needed to be the best version of a mother.

When she thinks how quickly having a baby followed graduation, she realizes she barely had any time to fit anything in between. All thoughts of a teaching career had had to be shelved as she cared for Josh and then, once he was older, she found she didn’t quite have the enthusiasm for it anymore. Probably because ten years of looking after her own child had robbed her of the patience she needed to look after anyone else’s. Though, now, as time’s passed, she wonders if it wasn’t more to do with lack of confidence than anything else.

The education system had changed so much that her skills no longer felt relevant, and the thought of going back to relearn everything she needed, to be able to give her pupils a fighting chance, seemed too arduous. But, if the truth be told, there was nothing an English literature degree and wanting to give children the best start in life couldn’t have overcome. She’d just needed to want to overcome it.

But instead, she’d retreated further into her close-knit group of friends, each of them seemingly content to immerse themselves in their children’s lives, to the detriment of all else. Rachel doesn’t doubt that, like her, they were all someone else in another lifetime, yet despite yearning for the person they’d lost, they were happily using their offspring as an excuse not to find themselves again.

She wonders if that isn’t why she enjoys spending time with Paige; the voyeur in her intrigued by a life whereby you can have it all, if only you’re brave enough. She’d had Chloe at twenty-five and was back practicing law by her twenty-sixth birthday. She’d had a baby that had fitted around her life, whereas Rachel had a life that fitted around Josh.

“Don’t you want more?” Paige had once asked her, as Josh had moved from infant to primary school. “You’ve got all this time on your hands. You could do anything you want to do.”

“I’ve got the house to look after,” Rachel had said, defensively. “And Jack.”

Paige had looked at her admonishingly. “I’m sure Jack’s old enough to look after himself,” she’d said.

She’d been right, of course, and Rachel had been sure that Jack wouldn’t have had a problem with her doing whatever it was she wanted to do, but it was easier to think that he might. “Why would I want anything more, when I can live my life vicariously through you?” she’d said, laughing. “You fight for a murderer’s freedom, wearing Louboutin shoes, with a child on your hip, while getting a takeout from the Ivy. I could never lead a life as exciting.”

“Alleged murderer,” Paige said dourly.

Rachel had held her hands up. “Apologies, Your Honor, I stand corrected.”

Paige smiled. “Seriously though, there must be something you want to do.”

Rachel thought of telling her about her desire to teach at an underprivileged, under-funded school in inner London, believing that she could make all the difference. But she was afraid that she’d be laughed at for setting her aspirations too low.

“Noah says you were quite a force of nature when you were younger,” Paige went on. “Before meeting Jack and having Josh.”

Had he? Had he and Paige sat and discussed what she used to be like? Had he divulged the dreams she’d once had and how instrumental his part in them had been? The thought that Noah had shared the fantasy life they naively believed they would lead had made Rachel’s cheeks burn with embarrassment and betrayal.

“We all think we can rule the world when we’re young,” Rachel had said ruefully.