The Good Widow(39)

“Whatever,” I breathed, running my finger inside the waistband of his swim trunks.

“I’m not going to be able to stand up for a couple minutes!” He nodded toward his erection, and we laughed.

I hoped our sex life would never change, that a simple touch could always send sparks flying—that we’d never stop wanting each other with such hot passion. But if I listened to Beth, apparently the odds were stacked against us. My sister had gotten married only four years before and recently confided that their sex life had become routine and she’d found herself fantasizing about George Clooney.

I’d been incredulous; Beth was only a few years in—practically a newlywed! “That’s the pregnancy hormones talking. Look at you! You’re about to burst—almost eight months along.” I’d leaned over and rubbed Beth’s swollen belly and said a silent prayer I’d also have one someday. “After you have the baby, you’ll get the passion back.”

Beth had only rolled her eyes at me as she waddled into the laundry room to wash some baby clothes she’d just purchased.

I traced James’s chest with my finger. “Can I ask you something?”

“If I can get up yet? Nope! I keep looking at your boobs in that bathing suit, and well, unless I want to scare some children, we should probably wait.” He pulled my hands away. “And you should probably stop doing that, or we’re never going to get out of here.”

I flung a towel at him. “Gross! Seriously, I want to ask you something.”

“You have my undivided attention.” James smirked.

“Do you believe in monogamy? Like long-term, forever, never-seeing-another-vagina monogamy?”

“Isn’t it a little late to be bringing this up?” James laughed and pointed to my ring. I noticed his bare finger, remembering his declaration that he didn’t see himself wearing a wedding band. He’d said he’d just lose it, claiming his mom had once bought him an expensive watch and he’d misplaced it the next day. At first I’d been upset, arguing that it would look like he didn’t want to appear married. But he swore that wasn’t it at all. That he loved me, and why did it matter if other people thought he was someone’s husband? All that mattered was that we knew it.

I hadn’t been able to argue with that.

“I’m being serious. Do you really think it’s possible to keep the spark alive with the same person you’ve been having sex with for fifty years? Beth is already preparing to fantasize about whatever hot actor People chooses as the sexiest man alive. And she and Mark have only been married four years!”

“Do people even have sex when they’re seventy? That’s how old my grandmother is!”

“Will you stop? I’m trying to talk to you here. Forget fifty years. What about five?”

“Five? God I hope we’re still into each other like this when we’re only five years in. But, Jacks, marriage is about a lot more than sex.” James said the last part with an air of authority that slightly bothered me. Like he was an expert on the subject.

“I know that.” I sat up and crossed my legs. “I’m not just talking about the physical part. I mean all of it—the same person day in and day out. You don’t think that’s going to be hard?”

“Of course it will. We’re both going to find ourselves attracted to other people along the way. That’s normal. What’s not normal is acting on it.”

“True,” I said, and thought about the story Beth had told me last week about her neighbors. The wife had just found out her husband had been cheating on her for a year and a half. She’d sobbed to Beth that she’d had no clue. I had shaken my head, not understanding how betrayal could be undetected in a marriage for so long.

“Have you ever cheated on anyone?” The question flew out of my mouth. I’d never asked him before. But that story about Beth’s neighbors had gotten under my skin. Made me think that maybe I should have.

“No! But is this some secret plan to make my erection go away?” He looked down. “Because it worked.”

I laughed. “No. I heard this horrible story about Beth’s neighbor the other day, and it made me think,” I said, and gave James the details. That a text had come in on her husband’s phone, and she’d grabbed it thinking it was their son in college who always checked in on Sunday mornings. But it wasn’t him. It was a picture of a naked woman lying in bed. And when she asked her husband who it was, he told her everything. And the hardest part, she told Beth, was how relieved he seemed that she finally knew the truth. That he didn’t have to hide any longer.

James kissed me lightly when I finished. “That won’t be you and me. I promise. We just need to make sure to be completely open with each other. And we need to be the kind of people who don’t look at each other’s phones.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I balked.

“I’m kidding, Jacks!” He reached over and handed his phone to me. “Here you go. I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me if I’ve ever cheated?”

James stroked my hair. “I don’t have to. You’re the most honest and loyal person I’ve ever met. It’s one of the many reasons I fell in love with you,” he whispered.