The Giver of Stars(36)
Alice closed her eyes. If she put it out there, it became real, a living, breathing thing that she would have to do something about. Her gaze flickered to Margery and away again.
‘And if you think I’m the type to go talking, Alice Van Cleve, you really haven’t worked me out at all.’
‘Mr Van Cleve keeps going on about us not having any babies.’
‘Hell, that’s just standard round here. The moment you put a ring on that finger they’re all just counting down –’
‘But that’s just it. It’s Bennett.’ Alice wrung her hands together. ‘It’s been months and he just – he won’t –’
Margery let the words settle. She waited, as if to check that she had heard right. ‘He won’t …?’
Alice took a deep breath. ‘It all started well enough. We’d been waiting so long, what with the journey and everything, and actually it was lovely and then just as things … were about to – well … Mr Van Cleve shouted something through the wall – I think he thought he was being encouraging – and we were both a little startled, and then everything stopped and I opened my eyes and Bennett wasn’t even looking at me and he seemed so cross and distant and when I asked him if everything was okay he told me I was …’ she gulped ‘… unladylike for asking.’
Margery waited.
‘So I lay back down and waited. And he … well, I thought it was going to happen. But then we could hear Mr Van Cleve clomping around next door and … well … that was that. And I tried to whisper something but he got cross and acted like it was my fault. But I don’t really know. Because I’ve never … so I can’t be sure whether it’s something I’m doing wrong or he’s doing wrong but, either way, his father is always next door and the walls are so thin and, well, Bennett, he just acts like I’m something he doesn’t want to get too close to any more. And it’s not like it’s one of those things you can talk about.’ The words tumbled out, unchecked. She felt her face flood with colour. ‘I want to be a good wife. I really do. It just feels … impossible.’
‘So … let me get this straight. You haven’t …’
‘I don’t know! Because I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like!’ She shook her head, then covered her face with her hands, as if horrified that she was even saying the words out loud.
Margery frowned at her boots. ‘Stay there,’ she said.
She disappeared into the cabin, where the singing had reached a new pitch. Alice listened anxiously, fearing the sudden cessation of voices that would suggest Margery had betrayed her. But instead the song lifted, and a little burst of applause met a musical flourish, and she heard Beth’s muffled whoop! Then the door opened, allowing the voices to swell briefly, and Margery tripped back down the steps holding a small blue book, which she handed to Alice. ‘Okay, so this doesn’t go in the ledger. This, we pass around to ladies who, perhaps, need a little help in some of the matters you’ve mentioned.’
Alice stared at the leather-bound book.
‘It’s just facts. I’ve promised it to a woman over at Miller’s Creek on my Monday route, but you can take a look over the weekend and see if there’s anything in there might help.’
Alice flicked through, startling at the words sex, naked, womb. She blushed. ‘This goes out with the library books?’
‘Let’s just say it’s an unofficial part of our service, given it has a bit of a chequered history through our courts. It doesn’t exist in the ledger, and it doesn’t sit out on the shelves. We just keep it between ourselves.’
‘Have you read it?’
‘Cover to cover and more than once. And I can tell you it has brought me a good deal of joy.’ She raised an eyebrow and smiled. ‘And not just me either.’
Alice blinked. She couldn’t imagine prising joy out of her current situation, no matter how hard she tried.
‘Good evening, ladies.’
The two women turned to see Fred Guisler walking down the path towards them, an oil lamp in his hand. ‘Sounds like quite a party.’
Alice hesitated, and thrust the book abruptly back at Margery. ‘I – I don’t think so.’
‘It’s just facts, Alice. Nothing more than that.’
Alice walked briskly past her back to the library. ‘I can manage this by myself. Thank you.’ She half ran back up the steps, the door slamming as she entered.
Fred stopped when he reached Margery. She noted the faint disappointment in his expression. ‘Something I said?’
‘Not even halfway close, Fred,’ she said, and placed a hand on his arm. ‘But why don’t you come on in and join us? Aside from a few extra bristles on that chin of yours, you’re pretty much an honorary librarian yourself.’
She would have laid down money, said Beth afterwards, that that was the finest librarians’ meeting that had ever taken place in Lee County. Izzy and Sophia had sung their way through every song they could recall, teaching each other the ones they didn’t know and making up a few on the spot, their voices wild and raucous as they grew in confidence, stamping and hollering, the girls clapping in time. Fred Guisler, who had indeed been happy to fetch his gramophone, had been persuaded to dance with each of them, his tall frame stooped to accommodate Izzy, disguising her limp with some well-timed swings so that she lost her awkwardness and laughed until tears leaked from her eyes. Alice smiled and tapped along but wouldn’t meet Margery’s eye, as if she were already mortified at having revealed so much, and Margery understood that she would simply have to say nothing and wait for the girl’s feelings of exposure and humiliation, however unwarranted, to die down. And amid all this Sophia would sing out and sway her hips, as if even her rigour and reserve could not hold out against the music.