The German Wife(91)

She was so friendly and lovely and hospitable, but there were also those little moments where I felt almost like she was warning me—had the other women been gossiping? Had they been cruel behind my back? I told myself I didn’t care what they thought, but the truth was, Calvin worked with their husbands and those women were going to be a part of my life for a long time.

I had been bored witless. Cal and I had settled into a routine so sedate, it was almost catatonic. He left for work at Fort Bliss in the morning, and I cleaned the house, and then watched the clock until he got home. I turned my attention to the yard to try to fill my days, tearing up every inch of established garden on that lot and spending a small fortune on young roses and hedges and building a tidy little vegetable garden. That project entertained me for a while, but soon all there was left to do was wait for the plants to grow.

So when Avril called for another coffee date, I agreed. Soon, we were meeting two or three times a week. I couldn’t tell if she was just being nice or if maybe she was a little lonely, but I appreciated the company, so I didn’t question her enthusiasm too much. Besides, Cal was pleased I was making an effort, and that was good too. I pushed my front door open and waited while Avril walked inside first, holding Patty’s hand. As we took our seats in the living room, she smiled.

“I was happy when I heard Calvin bought you this great big house. I’m excited to watch you two fill it with children.”

“Oh—” I said, wincing. “No, we won’t be doing that.” She looked at me in surprise, so I explained. “Calvin is sterile—that’s why he and Louise didn’t have children.”

That was true—Cal suffered a bad bout of mumps as a child. Not that it mattered in our marriage, given we had separate bedrooms.

I had a feeling if I went to Calvin’s room, he’d be delighted and that might change, but I had no inclination to do that. From time to time, I wondered if he was disappointed at the way our marriage was panning out. It was too awkward to bring up in conversation, and he seemed happy enough, but I knew all too well that when I agreed to marry him, he’d hoped that I’d fall in love with him too.

I realized it was just not going to happen. My feelings had nothing to do with Calvin and everything to do with me. I was more fond of him than ever. I respected him and I admired him. I was grateful to him, and I wanted to please him. I just had no drive toward romantic love, not the way other people around me seemed to.

“Oh gosh, I am so sorry,” Avril said. She dropped her hands to her belly, as if to protect it. Her second child was due in a few months. “You know, Becca did say that she thought it was odd that Calvin didn’t already have children after being married to his first wife for so long. But you know how those girls gossip and I just thought it was none of my business.”

“They gossip?” I prompted lightly. This wasn’t the first time she’d made a comment like that. I felt I knew her well enough now that I could gently prod to see what she was getting at.

“It’s terrible, and you’re such a nice woman. I hate to hear it.”

“What do they say about me?” I asked.

“Well, sweetie, there’s been a lot of speculation about...” She shrugged, looking around her expansive living room. “Calvin isn’t short of a dollar, is he? Gail pointed out that he was just so lonely when he first started coming down from Albuquerque, and with you working at that hotel, they thought maybe you were down on your luck a little and saw him as an opportunity...”

“It was not like that,” I gasped.

“And most newlyweds can’t keep their hands off each other, but like Becca said, you two aren’t like that at all, at least when we’re around.” My cheeks heated, and I didn’t know what to say. I avoided her gaze, my mind racing as I tried to think of a response. Was it really so obvious? How mortifying.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Avril winced. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, you haven’t upset me,” I said, frustrated. “I know we’re a strange couple. He’s older than me and a million times smarter, and—” I waved my hand, indicating the room “—this is normal to him. I grew up in a much humbler home, and I had fallen upon hard times when we met. But it was always Calvin offering to help me, never me asking for help. Right from when we met, he was always doing kind things for me—even for my brother. Calvin just loves to look after people.”

For a while after that, I kept my socializing with those women to essential engagements with Calvin only. Although Avril seemed to be on my side, I felt unsettled around her too. I learned how to dress like them and to style my hair and makeup like they did so I’d fit in, but I knew that, deep down, I had nothing in common with those women.

Besides, bored and lonely in that great big house was vastly preferable to exposed and humiliated out of it. But friendship dramas aside, why wasn’t I content? In some ways, I’d felt better about myself back when I was struggling in that apartment, hustling for every cent and working my fingers to the bone.

Henry had transferred to Fort Benning in Georgia and was serving with the 6th Armored Division. We’d established a routine phone call on the first Sunday night of each month.

“Howdy, sis,” he always greeted me, and I always exhaled whenever I heard him say those words. The brightness of his tone reassured me that he was okay. My imagination tended to play tricks on me during the weeks between those calls, especially with the situation in Europe deteriorating.