The Friends We Keep(48)
She got there early, wanting to have the upper hand, taking a deep breath as she walked into the small dark bar off the reception area. She ordered a vodka martini, drinking it down quickly—Dutch courage—then ordered a second one to sip slowly.
Ben walked in, squinting in the darkness, looking for her. She watched him for a while, wishing her heart didn’t still ache after all this time, then raised a hand and watched his face light up as he came to greet her.
Two kisses, one on each cheek, as if they were just old friends from college, as if he were just the husband of a girl who had once been one of her best friends.
“Can I get you another?” he asked, gesturing to her drink, sliding onto the bar stool next to her.
She shook her head. “I’m fine for now.”
He ordered a Manhattan and grinned at her, shrugging his shoulders. “When in New York,” he said, and she smiled back, although her grin felt forced. She was nervous, and uncomfortable, and unsure of what he was doing there.
“How’s Maggie?” she asked.
“She’s good.” He nodded. “Great, actually. We’re good. We moved to Somerset and it’s been great for both of us.”
“I’m glad you’re happy together.” She didn’t mean for it to sound sarcastic. Of course she wanted Maggie to be happy; she loved her. She just wished her friend’s happiness wasn’t so painful for her; she wished that Maggie had been able to find the same level of happiness somewhere else. She stared into her drink, unable to look at him.
“I’m so sorry that I . . .” Ben said finally.
Evvie turned to look at him, cutting him off. “So sorry that what? That you said you wouldn’t forgive me? That you didn’t think about what my life would be like if I’d had a baby? That you were completely selfish, only thinking about yourself, and then punishing me for not doing what you wanted, even though it would have meant giving up everything in my life?”
“No. That’s not what I was about to say. I was about to say I’m sorry that I told you I would never forgive you. I forgave you almost instantly. I wanted to come and see you, but I didn’t think you would want anything to do with me.”
“What?” Evvie stared at him.
“I shouldn’t tell you this. I suppose it’s water under the bridge now, but . . . I fucked up. I fucked up in every way imaginable. I fucked up by not telling you what I felt about you, and then trying to emotionally blackmail you to be with me.”
Time stopped as Evvie stared at him. “What do you mean, what you felt about me?”
“What do you think I mean?” Ben sounded angry. “Don’t make me say it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. None. If you had feelings for me, you knew where I was. Why didn’t you pursue me instead of saying you would never forgive me?”
“Because I was devastated by the abortion. And devastated at losing you. And I had no idea how to tell you. You were embarking on this modeling career, and everything in your life was going right, and I didn’t think you wanted me. If you did, you would have said something.”
“That’s bullshit.” Evvie turned her body to face his. “First of all, when someone says they’ll never forgive you, you believe them. Why would I have said anything when you had already made it clear? You had your grant, your future, and both of us had talked about pursuing our dreams. We never talked about compromising and finding a way to be together. I presumed it was a few days of pleasure, and that was it. Now, all these years later, you’re telling me it was something more? What the fuck, Ben?”
“I thought you were too good for me. I thought you wouldn’t have wanted me, not once we had left West Country and were in the real world. Let’s face it, Evvie. You could have any man you wanted. Why on earth would you even have thought about me?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I loved you. I love you. I couldn’t have done anything differently. You needed to come after me.”
There. She’d said it. She sat back, shocked. Embarrassed, a part of her unaware she even felt this way, but as soon as she said it, she knew it was true. She busied herself rustling around in her bag to pay for her drink and leave as Ben put his hand on her arm. She looked down at his hand, remembering it so well, remembering what his hand, his fingers felt like on her body, inside her body, and then she looked at him, and he had tears in his eyes.
“I loved you too,” he said, but he didn’t take his eyes off her, and Evvie wasn’t sure for a while whether he had said loved or love. She sank back on her stool, deflated and confused, knowing exactly what his gaze was saying.
“Please don’t do this,” she whispered. “We can’t. Not now. You’re married to Maggie.”
“I love my wife,” he said, his voice trembling. “It’s true. Maggie is wonderful. You have to understand that I love her . . . but not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you.”
He reached over then and touched her cheek, cupped her chin, as Evvie trembled. After Patrick, after every abusive boyfriend she had ever had, here was the one man who had only ever made her feel safe. Then every thought she had disappeared as she felt, once again, that buzz of electricity, before Ben leaned forward and kissed her.
They walked to the elevator in silence, staring straight ahead. As they stepped into it, Evvie steadied herself, every muscle and fiber in her body tingling and buzzing, feeling more alive than she had in years.