The Friend Zone(92)

I didn’t try to clean up anything that was Brandon’s. I didn’t touch his dirty clothes. I didn’t toss the beer bottle that sat in the garage. The only spark of life I’d seen from her since the funeral was when she’d lost her fucking mind on me because I’d removed and washed the almost two-month-old glass of water from Brandon’s side of the bed.

At noon, I knocked on her bedroom door. When I didn’t get an answer, I let myself in. She lay bundled in her blue comforter. I opened the blinds and then the window, hoping the fresh air would do her some good. I drew her a bath and sat on the edge of the bed to get her up.

“Sloan? Come on. Up. Let’s go.”

She groaned.

I peeled the blankets back, uncovering her. I took in her fetal position, her colorful tattooed arm tucked against her body.

I’d take her out today. Make her go to the park or for a short walk. Maybe I could get her to sit outside on the front porch.

Something.

“Sloan. Get up.” I wedged myself under her arm and hoisted her into a sitting position. With some effort I got her into the bathtub.

While she soaked, I stripped the bed and put it all in the washing machine. I washed her sheets daily, compliments of my OCD. If she was going to be in her bed for twelve hours a day, at least the sheets could be fresh. My endeavor was to keep her and everything around her clean and comforting.

As I put detergent in the machine, my cell phone pinged. I didn’t even have to look to know who it was. Josh texted me every day. I looked at the message.

Josh: Just say okay.



I swallowed the lump in my throat and tucked my phone back into my pocket.

He kept a running correspondence with me. It was totally one-sided. Sometimes he said he loved me and missed me. He sent me emails that read like letters, with where he was or what he was doing, like he didn’t want me to forget him—as if I could. And every day, one message was always the same.

Just say okay.



Last week he’d gone home to South Dakota for a few days, and I wondered if he was planning to move back. He had no reason to stay now. He hated his job, Brandon was gone, and I never responded to him. I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since the funeral.

I washed Sloan’s hair while she hugged her knees to her chest. Then I got her out of the tub, towel dried her hair and brushed it into a braid on the sofa.

We’d watch a movie later. I’d choose it carefully like I did every day. Couldn’t be a love story. Nothing sad.

I put the sheets in the dryer. Then I went to make lunch, badly, and when I came back out, she was on the sofa watching the music video. The fucking music video. Again.

It was the only thing that seemed to interest her. A viral video of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” A cover. She was obsessed with it.

I guess I should be happy that something interested her.

I set the food down on the coffee table. “Hey, are you sure you don’t want to help me with lunch next time? You’re a lot better at it than I am. I didn’t know how much vodka to put in the rice.”

She smiled a little, but it was mechanical. I went back in for the drinks. When I came out, she was watching the video again.

“How many times have you seen that?” I asked, sitting down next to her.

She shrugged tiredly. “I like it.” Her voice was raspy.

I leaned in and watched the video with her. A Claymation thing of a shipwreck. A big freighter in a storm being tossed in the waves until it went down.

I watched it through to the end. Then she replayed it.

“Why do you like this so much?” I shook my head.

She stared at the screen for a moment. “Because I feel like those men. Like a storm came and sank something strong, and now I’m lost at sea. Drowning.”

I didn’t reply.

“I like his voice,” she added.

“Why don’t we buy some of his music?” Hopefully it’s not all fucking depressing. “Let’s see if he’s got an album,” I said, taking her phone. I was starting to scroll through Amazon Music when a message pinged and a text popped up on her screen.

Josh:



“Uh…Josh just texted you.” I looked up at her. I didn’t know they talked. “He gave you a thumbsup?”

She looked at me listlessly. “Kristen, why haven’t you talked to him?”

The question surprised me. My best friend hadn’t been my best friend in a long time. We didn’t talk about me or what I was going through.

We didn’t really talk about anything.

I went back to scrolling through the artist’s album on her phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her. “What’s there to say?”

She laughed. It actually startled me it was so sudden, and I stared at her in surprise.

“Go home, Kristen.”

I blinked at her. “What?”

She took her phone from my hands. “Go home. Talk to him. Be with him. Be happy.”

I furrowed my brow. “Nothing has changed, Sloan.”

She stared at me with red-rimmed eyes. “You don’t think you’re worth it.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “What are you talking about?”

“Your mom. All your life she made you feel like you were never good enough. And so you don’t think you’re good enough for Josh either. But you are.”