The Friend Zone(61)

Then someone started singing a really horrible rendition of John Legend’s “All of Me.” The woman singing it was even drunker than I was.

Josh and I looked at each other and wordlessly moved together. I wrapped my arm around his neck and he held my other hand over his heart. He was still a little out of breath, and his chest rose and fell against my palm.

I’m in love with you.

The impulse hit me so hard and fast, I didn’t even see it coming.

I’m so in love with you.

How easily this came to me. With Tyler, the question was murky and confusing. But with Josh, it was clear. I was in love with him. And I was in love with him in a “we were made for each other” kind of way.

But we weren’t though, right? Because how could I be made for him when my body couldn’t give him children?

My eyes started to tear up, and he dipped his head to look at me. “Hey, shhhh. I know what happened today was hard.”

He kissed my forehead, so tenderly, and I felt simultaneously better and worse.

I shook my head and buried my face in his chest. He didn’t have the first clue.

When I looked back up, his concerned face hovered over mine. I wanted to stand on my toes and kiss him. Or let him kiss me. I wanted him to be the one to ask me to marry him. If I could be with him, I’d say yes to him in a heartbeat, even if he did it in some cringey, cheesy way. Even if there were rose petals all over the fucking house.

God, wouldn’t we be something? If it wasn’t for that one thing. That one thing that was everything.

For a moment, in my drunken state, I thought I could tell him. I could just blurt out the truth about everything. Get it out of me, put it in his hands, let him figure out what to do with it. And then maybe it wouldn’t feel so heavy. Maybe he would be okay with it and he’d— He’d what, Kristen? Settle? He’d give up his dreams for you?

“I’m so selfish,” I whispered.

He put his cheek to mine and spoke into my ear. “You’re not. You’re wonderful. And you look really beautiful tonight.”

I sniffed and tilted my head back to look him in the eye. “You know why I always looked like a slob around you? Because I liked you.”

He pulled his face back a little and his eyes went wide.

“Yeah. I felt guilty that I liked you so much when I had a boyfriend. So I always tried to look bad in front of you so you wouldn’t know.”

He beamed down on me. “So the mud mask and the curlers and that nose strip thing—”

“All proof of my enormous lady boner for you.”

My buzz made me careless.

And I couldn’t care less.

“Wow,” he said, looking reflective. “You must have really liked me. You didn’t brush your hair for two days in a row once.”

I launched into giggles and he laughed with me, putting his forehead to mine. “And I still thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever met.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing him in, feeling his breath on my face. I wanted to hold this moment in suspended animation. These tender stolen seconds. My forehead pressed to his, his warm hand over mine, his heart beating against my palm. Him slowly turning me on a dance floor, telling me I’m beautiful.

His deep voice spoke over me softly. “Can I ask you a question?”

“What?” I whispered, opening my eyes.

“What does Sloan think of him?”

I laughed, shaking my head. “Sloan hates him.”

“Why?”

“Because she thinks I’ve settled.”

He furrowed his brow. “Settled? How? Is something wrong with him? Is he a dick?”

I let out a long breath. “No. He doesn’t want kids.”

He scoffed. “Well, there you go. The kid thing is too important. Can’t be with him.”

It felt like a punch right to my uterus. A hard lump bolted to my throat, and I had to look away from him because I was going to cry.

There it was, straight from his own lips.

The kid thing is too important. Can’t be with him.

He stopped turning us, and he put my face in his hands. Once I was looking at him again, I lost it. My chin quivered and tears spilled over my cheeks.

His eyes moved back and forth between mine. “Don’t marry him, Kristen.”

My heart cracked in half.

“Don’t marry him,” he whispered. “Please.”

There was something desperate about the way he said it. I studied the look in his eyes. Distress. Longing. Pleading.

This wasn’t the look of a man who just didn’t want to give up his booty call. This was feelings. Josh has feelings for me.

The realization hit me like a deep, cancerous, soul-reaching sadness. These emotions I could see he had for me—they should have made me happy. I should have been ecstatic to know that what I felt maybe wasn’t so one-sided. But instead, a bitter disappointment descended on my body making me so weak I worried my knees would give out.

I had to cut him loose.

This thing between us had gone as far as I could allow it to go.

I wasn’t going to marry Tyler. I think I’d known that the whole time. After I’d said no, he’d begged me to think about it. So I did. But I wasn’t going to be with either of them. I couldn’t.

The kid thing is too important. Can’t be with him.