The Friend Zone(32)

If things were different…if my uterus didn’t make us an impossibility, if I didn’t have a boyfriend—I’d have kissed him right there where he sat, in front of Tow Truck Guy and Old Dog, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

But things weren’t different. They were what they were.

The truck lumbered out of the lot and Josh held me in place, the muscles of his strong arm keeping me steady.

The roads were empty, the occasional cop car the only sign of life.

I tucked my hair behind my ear and licked my lips, not knowing where to look. I glanced over at Josh, expecting his eyes to be forward, looking out the windshield, but instead they looked at my mouth.

So I looked at his.

Our gazes flicked back up at the same moment, and our eyes locked.

Oh God, Sloan was right. He was into me. And I was into him.

And now he knew it.

The truck swayed and the driver fiddled with the radio, and Josh looked at me, his brown eyes hooded. I could feel his soft, warm breath on my face, the steady in and out of his chest, and my resolve wavered. I couldn’t hold my ground. How could I? I couldn’t even pull my eyes away.

His lips parted and the arm encircling my waist wrapped around me another fraction. The fingers by my leg slid over my knee until his warm palm cupped my bare skin.

The movements were subtle. So minor they almost seemed insignificant. The tow truck driver wouldn’t even have noticed it if he’d been looking right at us. But to Josh and me, they were milestones. Questions and answers. Risks and permission.

When I didn’t make him stop, his eyes dropped back to my lips, his expression darkening in a way that made me lose my breath.

He wants to kiss me.

Would he do it? Right here in this tow truck?

Yes. He would.

Because if I were him, unattached and without reasons not to, I would too.

My already pounding heart launched into fluttering. If he leaned in, I was physically incapable of turning away. I would let him close the space between us and press his mouth to mine. I wanted to know what he tasted like. What his lips would feel like touching me. I was losing sense of time and reality as everything closed in around us and became him, smaller and smaller, nothing but his face, those eyes, his head tilting, noses touching, breath on my bottom lip—

You’re not a cheater.

I jerked back before I lost the power to do it, turning my face hard to the windshield, gasping for air.

The spell was broken.

He pulled his hand away from my knee. His grip around my waist loosened. I could feel the disappointment in the set of his body.

I wondered if he could feel it in mine.

Finally the tow truck pulled into the parking lot of the auto shop. I unbuckled us and scrambled off him, hopping out as soon as the wheels stopped turning, and started walking the three blocks toward my house without waiting for him.

“Kristen, stop!”

I kept walking.

He had to deal with the tow truck driver, and I needed to put space between us and that ride. I needed to put Tyler between us, where he belonged. Tyler, who didn’t care if I couldn’t give him kids. Tyler, who wouldn’t be affected one way or another if I had my uterus yanked.

I pulled out my cell phone to play the message he left me, hoping the sound of his voice would smack me back into reality, ground me again, make me realize that no, I didn’t want Josh—I wanted my boyfriend.

But it wouldn’t.

Sloan was right. I had settled. Because anything less than Josh would be settling.

How did I get here? How had I fallen so far into this fucked life that I didn’t even want? I was a frog in a pot of boiling water.

I dialed my voicemail, struggling to catch my breath, emotion sucking up all the air. I called to hear Tyler’s message like it was my duty. Like it was something unpleasant I had to get through out of sheer obligation.

“Hi, Kris…”

Would Tyler and I share comfortable silences? Would he annoy me when he was here day in and day out?

He would annoy me because he couldn’t be Josh. Because he would make Josh disappear. And it would change the way I felt about Tyler. It wouldn’t even be fair to him, but I knew it would happen. I would resent him.

My throat got tight. I was a horrible person. It was traitorous to feel this way about another man, but I couldn’t stop the landslide. I couldn’t remember what Tyler smelled like. Couldn’t remember the way his arms felt around my body.

Everything was Josh.

“…I probably won’t be able to call you again for a few days and I really hoped we could talk tonight…”

I forced myself to keep the phone pressed to my ear, forced myself to endure the decisions I’d made as they tumbled over me and buried me in rubble. Every choice was another stone on the pile. The hysterectomy. Boulder. Asking Tyler to move in. Boulder. Spending so much time with Josh, letting myself fall in love with him. Boulders, heavier and heavier.

“…I’ve been trying to reach you and haven’t been able to get you on the phone…”

I wrapped my arm across my stomach and walked as quickly as I could in heels. I knew Josh was behind me somewhere and I needed more distance.

I ran up my front steps and dug my key from my purse, got the door open, and pushed inside holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder. I was going to lock myself in my room and not say good night to him. I couldn’t be face-to-face with him again. Not alone.