The Friend Zone(25)

I smiled at Sloan, even though I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. “Well, let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. Tyler doesn’t even want kids. But I appreciate the offer.”

“Tyler doesn’t want kids?” she asked, furrowing her brow.

I shook my head.

She blinked at me. “Are you serious? Why are you with him, then? You want kids, Kristen.”

I looked away from her.

“Kristen!”

“Sloan, stop.”

“What the hell are you doing? Why are you settling?”

The bathroom door opened, and some lady came in. She smiled at us, and Sloan and I stood there awkwardly while she went into a stall.

“I’m not settling, Sloan,” I whispered. “The man is a ten. He’s driven and ambitious. He’s smart. He makes good money. We have things in common. And let’s be honest here—I have to choose a man that doesn’t want kids. That’s just the reality of my situation. Josh wants kids. He broke up with Celeste because she didn’t want them. And in the best possible case, if all the stars align, maybe I might have one. One baby, if I’m rich and lucky. Tyler and I are just more compatible.”

She stared at me. “Oh my God, you’re doing the thing. The spreadsheet thing that you always do. You don’t pick a boyfriend like you pick what car to buy, Kristen.” She crossed her arms. “You don’t love Tyler, do you?” she hissed quietly. “You’re not even remotely in love with that man. I knew it. I knew it when I saw you guys together the last time he came out.”

“I do love him,” I insisted.

Was it some head-over-heels, sappy Sloan-and-Brandon thing? No. Was it what I felt brewing for Josh? Definitely not. But it was love. It felt a little faded at the moment, sure. But that’s because he’d been gone so long. It would come back into focus. It always did. I was mostly sure.

She shook her head. “Love is not a checklist of pros versus cons. It’s a feeling. What are you doing, Kristen?”

What I was doing was being smart. Tyler made sense for me. He was the path of least resistance. He was exactly the kind of man I needed.

“And what if I am being a little rational about Tyler? More people should be rational about their relationships. If they were, we wouldn’t have so many single moms with deadbeat baby daddies and cheating spouses who destroy their families. What the hell is wrong with being practical and looking at things logically?”

“Break up with him.” She pressed her mouth into a line. “Break up with him before he moves in.”

The woman came out of the stall, washed her hands, and Sloan and I stood glaring at each other in silence. The lady tore off a towel, dried her hands, and left.

“Why?” I asked once the door was closed. “What is the point in breaking off a perfectly good relationship with a decent man I care about whose lifestyle fits my own?”

“Uh, happiness? So you can maybe have a shot with Josh? Or someone like him who wants kids? How can you act like this isn’t something you want?”

“Who cares if it’s something I want?” I threw up my hands. “It’s completely irrelevant. I can’t have it.”

She glared at me.

“So I move on Josh. And then what? We fall in love? Why? So he can maybe decide to settle? So he can date me for a few years until he feels resentful enough to leave me? After wasting a few good years when he could be with someone who can give him a family? Or worse, he stays and always wonders what if? Gives up on what he wants? That’s assuming he’d even look at me twice after he finds out I don’t have a fucking uterus.”

She shook her head. “At least give him the chance to make the decision himself. What if he’s okay with adopting?”

I blew out a slow breath. “He did make the decision, with the last one, who he loved and was already living with. And that man doesn’t want to adopt—he wants his own kids. I asked.”

“Okay, well maybe you can get pregnant. You’ve never tried. You can’t know if you don’t try, and you can’t try if you don’t have a uterus,” she snapped.

I cocked my head. “I never used protection with Tyler. Not once. Not with any of my serious boyfriends going back to junior year. I’ve been playing baby Russian roulette for eight years, and I don’t see any kids running around.” I threw my arms out and looked around the bathroom. “And it’s worse than it’s ever been.”

The puff of air she let out told me she knew she was losing the argument. “Just…have an honest conversation with Josh. Maybe—”

“No.” For the first time since we’d started talking about it, anger bubbled inside of me. “Do you think discussing my deficiencies as a woman with a man that I’m half in love with is something I want to put myself through?”

My voice cracked at my admission, and I needed a moment to regain my composure. I bit my lips together until the tightness in my throat went away.

“Why would I tell him, Sloan? To humiliate myself? To have him look at me with pity? Or worse, to get rejected? There’s not going to be any rejection, because I won’t be making an offer. There’s no point. I’d like to spare myself this one indignity, if that’s okay with you.”

We stood in silence—her looking wounded and me trying to understand why something so rational felt so shitty.