The Forest of Vanishing Stars(38)
He squeezed the cap in his hands a few more times and then looked at her again. He seemed to be searching her face, his gaze falling first on her eyes and then traveling to her mouth. “I didn’t mean tonight. I meant… ever. I hope you will stay with us, Yona. What I mean to say is, I hope you will stay with me.”
She didn’t expect him to move forward then, to touch his lips to hers, but when he did, it felt just as she knew it was supposed to, though she had never been kissed before. She tensed for a second, surprised, and then she exhaled, her breath meeting his as she leaned in and closed her eyes.
His mouth was tentative at first, but when he felt her respond, Aleksander put a hand on the back of her head, pulling her gently to him, and as his tongue parted her lips, she could feel the vibration of the low groan that came from the center of his chest. She could feel him everywhere in her body, though it was only his lips and his hand touching her. Her skin tingled and warmth flooded through her. When he pulled away, instinctively she reached for him, already wanting him back.
She opened her eyes, breathless, and found him staring at her, searching her face. “Is this all right, Yona? I didn’t know—”
She couldn’t find words, so she pressed her lips to his, frantically, desperately, cutting him off. He hesitated only a second before drawing her to him, onto his lap, her legs spread over him. He groaned again, and she could feel it in her own chest as he put his hands under her hips and pulled her more firmly against him, kissing her more hungrily now. With his left hand still cradling her, he reached under her shirt with his right hand, and they both gasped as his cold fingers skimmed against one of her nipples, sending a shiver through her body.
“Still all right?” he murmured into her mouth.
“Mm-hmm.” It was all she could manage, but instead of kissing her again, he paused and looked at her.
“Have you ever done this before?”
She was breathing hard, and she wondered if her pupils were as dilated as his were. She stared at him for a few seconds before whispering, “Aleksander, I never knew a man before you.”
“We don’t have to—”
“I know,” she murmured, again cutting him off. “Don’t stop.”
He hesitated for only a second more before bringing his mouth to hers, moving both hands back to her hips. And then his hands were under her shirt, and he was pulling it off, then removing his own, so that in the cold chill of her tiny zemlianka, they both burned hot against each other, skin to skin.
There were no words left to say as he moved on top of her, slowly touching her everywhere, making her feel things she had never known before, guiding her hands across his body, so unfamiliar, and finally, pushing himself inside her. When she cried out, he paused, suspended above her, and whispered, “Should I stop?”
“No,” she replied immediately, pulling him back and closing her eyes as she let the sensations wash over her.
When it was over, they lay on their backs in the cold, her head on his chest, his arm cradling her. She listened to his heartbeat and felt her own pulse race in the same rhythm. She closed her eyes and breathed him in, wondering what this all meant. She had read enough in the science texts Jerusza had given her to understand the biology of what had happened between them, but no one had warned her about the way her heart would feel like it could burst, how her body would feel both full and empty at the same time, how as soon as the silence set in, her mind would race to fill it with questions and fears.
But then Aleksander kissed the top of her head and murmured, “Yona, I think I love you,” and the voices of doubt in her head finally went silent.
She buried her face in his chest. There would be time for wondering later. For now, all that mattered was this. “I think I love you, too, Aleksander.” Did she? Was that what this feeling was? She smiled into his skin, astonished that the words were hers to say. “I love you, too.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
No one in the camp seemed surprised to see Aleksander emerging from Yona’s shelter the next morning, and Rosalia even put a hand on Yona’s arm as they headed out to lay traps for animals. “I’m glad for you,” the fiery-haired woman said, smiling slightly. “You deserve to find happiness. Both of you do.”
“Is that what this is? Happiness?” In the light of day, Yona felt a strange blend of elation and fear. There was much to be lost by opening one’s heart, and she had never understood that until last night, when the doors to hers had been flung wide. Now she felt naked, exposed, like she’d awoken in a den of sleeping bears without a weapon, without a plan. Yona felt foolish as she glanced at Rosalia. “Perhaps it meant nothing to him.”
“Only a fool would break a heart in such close quarters. If Aleksander came to you, it is because he wants to be with you and hopes you feel the same.”
Yona absorbed this in silence. “I think I do,” she said at last.
“We’ve all lost so much. When we find happiness, especially where we didn’t expect to, we must hold it close with all our might, don’t you think?” There was a sadness to Rosalia’s voice as she squeezed Yona’s hands and added, “Please, don’t worry.”
But Yona was worried, and she couldn’t stop herself. She was glad she had collected Queen Anne’s lace and smartweed along with her other medicinal supplies, but she hadn’t imagined she’d be the one needing them. She knew the herbs weren’t foolproof, and that concerned her. A pregnancy in the midst of the dark wood could be deadly to both the mother and child, and with people hunting them, the innocent cry of a newborn could betray the whole group. Quite simply, Yona could not become pregnant, and she vowed that she would be more careful in the future—if there was a future for her and Aleksander.