The Flatshare(51)

Blanket isn’t so bad. It’s . . . characterful. Quirky. Maybe I’m coming round to it.





35


Tiffy

This is my first session with Someone Other Than Mo.

Mo himself suggested it. He said it would benefit me to do proper counselling and talk to a person who didn’t already know me. And then Rachel told me that, unbelievably, our employee benefits actually include up to fifteen sessions of counselling, paid for by Butterfingers. I have no idea why they’re willing to provide that but not pay above minimum wage – maybe they’re sick of employees leaving on stress.

So here I am. It is very weird. Someone Other Than Mo is called Lucie and is wearing a gigantic cricket jumper as a dress, which obviously immediately makes me like her and ask her where she shops. We talked about vintage stores in South London for a while, and then she got me a water, and now here we are, in her office, facing one another in matching armchairs. I’m extremely nervous, though I haven’t got a clue why.

‘So Tiffy, what was it that made you want to come and see me today?’ Lucie asks.

I open my mouth and close it again. God, there’s so much to explain. Where do I even begin?

‘Just start with that,’ Lucie says. She has Mo’s mindreading skills, clearly – they must teach them that when they’re accredited. ‘The thing that made you want to pick up the phone and make an appointment.’

‘I want to fix whatever the hell it was my ex-boyfriend did to me,’ I say, and then pause, startled. How have I managed to say that outright to a complete stranger within five minutes of meeting her? How embarrassing.

But Lucie doesn’t even blink. ‘Sure,’ she says. ‘Would you like to tell me a bit more about that?’

*

‘Are you healed?’ Rachel asks me, plonking a coffee down on my desk.

Ah, coffee, elixir of the overworked. Recently it has overtaken tea in my affections – a sign of how little I’m sleeping. I blow Rachel a kiss as she makes her way over to her screen. As per usual, we continue the conversation on instant messenger.

Tiffany [09:07]: It was really weird. I literally told her the most embarrassing stuff about me within like ten minutes of meeting her.

Rachel [09:08]: Did you tell her about when you vomited in your hair on the night bus?

Tiffany [09:10]: Well, that didn’t actually come up.

Rachel [09:11]: How about the time you broke that guy’s penis at university?

Tiffany [09:12]: Didn’t come up either.

Rachel [09:12]: That’s what he said.

Tiffany [09:13]: Does that joke work?

Rachel [09:15]: Well, anyway, I am now reassured that I know more of your embarrassing secrets than this new imposter into your affections. OK. Go on.

Tiffany [09:18]: She didn’t really say much. Even less than Mo does. I thought she’d tell me what was wrong with me. But instead I kind of figured some stuff out all on my own . . . which I totally couldn’t have done without her sitting there. So weird.

Rachel [09:18]: What kind of stuff?

Tiffany [09:19]: Like . . . Justin was cruel sometimes. And controlling. And other bad stuff.

Rachel [09:22]: Can I just say, I officially stand corrected on the Justin issue. Gerty is right. He’s scum of the earth.

Tiffany [09:23]: You realise you just typed ‘Gerty is right’?

Rachel [09:23]: I forbid you to tell her.

Tiffany [09:23]: Screenshot already sent.

Rachel [09:24]: Bitch. All right, so you’ll go again?

Tiffany [09:24]: Three sessions this week.

Rachel [09:24]: Blimey.

Tiffany [09:25]: I have this fear that because the first flashback happened when that Ken guy kissed me . . .

Rachel [09:26]: Yes?

Tiffany [09:26]: What if that’s what happens now? What if Justin has, like, reprogrammed me, and I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KISS A MAN AGAIN?!

Rachel [09:29]: I mean, that is fucking terrifying.

Tiffany [09:30]: Thanks Rachel.

Rachel [09:31]: You should see someone about that.

Tiffany [09:33]: [glaring emoji] Thank you, Rachel.

Rachel [09:34]: Oh, come on. I know that made you laugh. As in, I literally just watched you laugh and then try and turn it into a cough when you realised the head of Editorial was walking past.

Tiffany [09:36]: Did it work, do you think?

‘Tiffy? Do you have a minute?’ calls the head of Editorial.

Shit. ‘Do you have a minute’ is always bad. If it was urgent but non-problematic, he’d just shout it across the room or send me an email with one of those passive-aggressive red exclamation marks on it. No, ‘do you have a minute’ means it’s confidential, and that almost certainly means it’s worse than just sniggering at my desk because I’m messaging Rachel about kissing.

What’s Katherin done? Has she uploaded a picture of her vagina on Twitter, as she threatens to do literally every time I ask her to do another interview at Martin’s request?

Or is it one of the many, many books that I have completely ignored in the madness that has been Crochet Your Way? I can’t even remember their titles any more. I’ve shifted pub dates like I’ve been playing Bananagrams, and I definitely haven’t run the changes by the head of Editorial. It’ll be that, won’t it? I’ve ignored someone’s book for so long that it’s actually gone to print without any words in it.