The Fixed Trilogy: Forever With You(52)

“Am I?” I gathered up my strength and turned to look at him. “I suppose so.”

Hudson smiled and took a step in my direction, his arms reaching for me.

I stepped away, or more like stumbled away.

He grabbed my arm to catch me. My eyes latched on to where his hand grasped. It felt like my skin was burning under his touch, and not in the amazing way that it usually burned, but in a way that left me wondering if I’d be scarred for life. Hell, he’d touched me everywhere in our time together—would all of my body be scarred?

At least my outside would match my inside.

Hudson leaned in to help me steady. He smelled it then, how could he not? “Have you been drinking?”

I pulled my arm away. “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not. You just don’t usually drink. You’re full of all sorts of surprises this evening.”

“Ah. Surprises. It’s certainly a day for that.”

“Have there been others?”

“There have.” I brushed past him to get inside. I was done with the small talk. There were things to be said, and saying them outside wasn’t my preference.

He followed me in.

I waited until I heard the door shut behind me before I turned to face him. I’d planned to hit him straight up with the news that I’d seen his video. But those weren’t the words that came out. “Hudson, why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?”

“Where did that come from?” He looked like I’d slapped him. Considering that I wanted to, it was a pleasing outcome.

However, it wasn’t the response I wanted. Not in the least. And I had enough liquor in my system to keep me pursuing the answer I wanted. “It’s a valid question.”

“Is it? My methods of emotional expression haven’t seemed to bother you before—why now?”

“Hasn’t bothered me?” I was incredulous. Did he really not know how desperate I was to hear it? “It’s always bothered me. I’ve been patient, that’s all. Letting you settle into our relationship. I realize it’s all new for you—you’ve never let me forget it. But it’s new for me too. I’ve bared all my heart to you. And you can’t give me this one thing—three things, actually. Three little words.”

“You know how I feel about you.” He turned away from me and headed toward the dining room bar.

It was my turn to chase after him. “But why can’t you say it?”

“Why do I need to?” He poured himself a Scotch. “If you understand, there’s no point.”

“Sometimes it helps to hear it.”

“Helps what?”

He was so controlled, so even-mannered—it drove me insane. I raised my voice. “Helps everything! Helps deal with insecurity. With doubts.”

He set the bottle on the counter and pivoted toward me. “What are you doubting? Us? What we have? I asked you to live with me. I changed my entire life to be with you. What is there to doubt?”

“Your reasons. Your motives.”

“My reasons for wanting you with me are I want you with me. What more do you need to know? You want words? They can be changed and manipulated and misconstrued. But my actions—they speak everything that you need to know.”

His words were calm and soothing and, at another time, would have melted me. There were many actions he’d shown that backed up what he was saying. Too many to do an inventory of in the space of a few seconds.

But there were other actions—the ones that were ambiguous and hard-to-interpret. Lunch meetings with Norma Anders. Purchasing the club for me before he’d even known me. And there was the video.

I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold. “If I’m going by your actions, then right now what I know is that I’ve been lied to.”

He took a swallow of his drink, his jaw moving the liquid around his mouth before he swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

I straightened my back for the moment of confrontation. “I saw it, Hudson. I saw the video.”

“What vid—”

I punched my fist onto the dining room table. “Don’t even f*cking pretend you don’t know what video I’m referring to, because after everything we’ve been through, I don’t deserve the runaround.”

His eyes were locked on mine, so I saw the brief flare of panic.

And then I saw the moment he resumed control.

“Okay. I won’t run you around then.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Where did you get it? Stacy?”

Where did I get it? “Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.” His tone was straight.

My gut clenched. I’d expected immediate denial or reassurance that it wasn’t what it looked like. I’d expected answers. Not this. Not complete indifference.

“You were kissing Celia.”

“I saw.”

“Do you want to explain?”

“Does it matter?” He threw back my own words at me.

“Yes!” My composure was gone. Only he could fix me and he wasn’t even trying.

He moved back to the bar and refilled his drink. “It was before I met you, Alayna. I haven’t asked you to explain your actions before we met. I shouldn’t be expected to either.”