The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You(26)

“Mm hmm.” She sat back, her arms crossed over her chest. “Go on.”

I paused, not really sure how to explain my relationship with Hudson, wanting to give details and knowing I couldn’t. I tried to pinpoint exactly what concerned me and express it as simply as possible. “We work together. And I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“Is it David?”

Thinking about David now seemed odd. I’d mentioned David before in the group, when we’d started our occasional make-out sessions. Now he felt distant and in the past though he’d only put a hold on us two days before. “It’s someone else.”

Lauren cocked her head. “What sort of thoughts are you having about him?”

“Fantasies.” I lowered my face to hide my blush. “Sexual fantasies.”

“What else?”

“That’s it.”

Lauren shook her head. “You’re not going to get me to say you’re having problems because you’re thinking kinky about a hot guy.”

“But it’s all the time. I mean, I wake up thinking about him, I go to sleep thinking about him, I’m tending bar and I’m thinking about him.”

“But no stalking or calling him at work or emailing him incessantly?”

“No.”

“Only sexual thoughts?”

“No, I replay things he’s said to me in my head. I wonder what he’s doing and thinking.”

“Have you considered you might just like him?”

I took a swallow of my coffee. Up until the night before I had spent a lot of time considering that I didn’t like Hudson. Except sexually. I always knew my female parts were drawn to him. But other than that, no, I hadn’t considered it. I couldn’t.

“Lauren, I can’t like him,” I groaned. “We…there’s no chance with him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. We’ve discussed it.”

She looked at me curiously. I searched for something more I could give her. “He doesn’t do romance,” I conceded.

“Lots of women get the hots for men that are unattainable. It’s natural. It doesn’t mean you’re falling backwards. Stay realistic about the situation. If you feel he’s consuming your thoughts to the point that it’s affecting your daily routine, then you need to seek some help.”

“So would sleeping with him be a bad idea?” If she said yes, I didn’t know what I’d do. I didn’t think I could cancel on Hudson. I wanted him too badly.

“Have you?”

“Not yet.”

Lauren looked at me sternly. “But you’re planning on it, right? Now, girl, sex with no intention of a relationship opens up a whole other host of problems that have nothing to do with addiction but certainly can add to it.”

“Is it impossible to have meaningless sex?”

“I’m sure it’s possible, I just don’t know very many people who get away with it. And I don’t mean to imply that you’re not strong enough to deal with it, but, honey, are you?”

“It might get rid of the fantasies.”

“Maybe. It also might make you latch on.”

“Not to sound like a slut, Lauren, but I’ve had quite a few one-night flings in the last few years with no attachment issues.”

“Then maybe you’ll be fine. But your one-night things work because you don’t see the guy every day after. You’ll still see this guy after, right?”

My one-night flings worked because those guys were f*ck and forget guys. Hudson, not-so-much. And I would be seeing him after. ”Occasionally.” Probably more than that. Truthfully, I didn’t have any idea how much our little scam would require me to see Hudson. The charade was set to start Sunday, though, and he’d been intent on keeping the sex separate so I imagined that we’d be having a one day affair and then would move on.

Lauren studied me carefully. After a few minutes she shrugged. “I can’t tell you what to do, Laynie. And I can’t tell you that sleeping with this guy or not sleeping with this guy will make any difference in whether you do or don’t fall into obsessive patterns. What I can do is be there for you and suggest that you come back to group for a while for some extra support.”

Extra support was a good idea. Before we parted, I agreed to come to a weekly meeting. Then I hurried home to prepare for my evening because I had not agreed to cancel my sex date with Hudson.

***

Again I agonized about my wardrobe choice for my night with Hudson, finally settling on a black sequined cowl neck shirt and sequined striped shorts. Jordan dropped me off in front of the Pierce Industries building a few minutes before five. By the time I’d entered the elevator code and ridden up to the penthouse, I was shaking in my strappy three-inch heeled sandals.

It took at least one full minute before I could bring myself to knock on the loft door. Hudson opened it immediately, as if he waited just on the other side, but he had his cell phone to his ear. “Roger, I don’t want to hear that we lost this company because my staff wasn’t able to foresee the possibility of separation.” He held the receiver away from his mouth. “Come in,” he whispered to me. Then he returned to his call as he shut the door behind me.

I couldn’t decide if his preoccupation with work made me more or less nervous, but I took the opportunity to check him out. He wore tailored black suit pants and a light gray dress shirt with several buttons open at the top, his tie hanging undone around his neck. I fixed on his exposed chest, picturing myself licking the patch of bare skin that I was seeing for the first time. God, if I was this enthralled by a few square inches, what would I do when he was naked?