The First Mistake(55)

‘I’m sorry too,’ I said. ‘I got a bee in my bonnet and was completely unreasonable.’

‘You weren’t,’ he said. ‘You’re right about my place. Once we’re both home, why don’t we spend the weekend together? Stay at mine and I’ll show you the delights of Maida Vale.’

Now that he was offering it, it didn’t seem nearly so important. It didn’t matter where we stayed, just as long as we were together. Him having an accident seemed to hammer the point home even more.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?’ I said.

‘No, honestly, I want you to stay where you are. But before you go, I’ve got some good news.’

‘Oh?’

‘I managed to sell your mum’s wine collection, just before the accident. In fact, it’s why I was on my phone and probably not paying attention when I crossed the road.’

If I didn’t already feel guilty, I certainly did now.

‘Guess how much I got?’ he went on.

‘No, go on,’ I said, wondering if it even mattered anymore.

‘Seven thousand,’ he said, as excitedly as one can sound when they’re probably in traction and being held together with metal pins. I reminded myself of my tendency to over-dramatize.

‘Wow,’ I said, listlessly. ‘That’s amazing.’

‘It means she’ll be able to get cracking with the work,’ he said. ‘It’ll at least tide her over until the big one comes in. That’s if she decides to do it, of course.’

‘Let’s talk when you get back,’ I said. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?’

‘Honestly, I’m fine,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to let you know and to say I’m sorry. I’ll call you later, once I have more news.’

‘Okay.’

There was a pause before he said, ‘I love you.’

In that split second I almost knew he was going to say it, yet I still wasn’t ready for it and didn’t know how to respond. Would he think I was weak if I said it back? Would he hate me for not? I wanted to, because it’s how I felt, but my brain was waging a war against itself, weighing up the pros and cons of being honest.

‘You too,’ was what I eventually came up with, and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t enough – he deserved more.

‘See you, then,’ he said despondently, and I put the phone down, furious that I’d caused his insecurity all because I wanted to what? Save face? I couldn’t stop a tear from springing onto my cheek.

‘Hey, hey . . .’ said Maria, as she carefully lifted a bourbon biscuit out of her tea and ate it whole before coming to sit down next to me. ‘What’s going on?’

‘He said, “I love you”,’ I blurted out.

She snorted. ‘And that’s why you’re so upset?’

I nodded. ‘I didn’t say it back,’ I sobbed, and immediately realized how ridiculous I sounded.

To be fair to Maria, she didn’t do what I would have done if I’d been in her shoes. She refrained from slapping me around the cheek and telling me to pull myself together.

‘And he’s been in a car accident,’ I cried, as if it was secondary to me not telling him how I felt.

‘Okay, so now I want to slap you,’ she said, making me laugh.

‘I’d do it to myself if I could,’ I said, sniffing.

‘There’s nothing to stop you,’ she smiled. ‘I assume he’s okay, if you’re able to stress about other inconsequential bollocks?’

I nodded, embarrassed.

‘So, he’s gone from being a complete dickhead two minutes ago to someone you love so much you can’t tell him?’

‘Something like that,’ I said, smiling.





25


I couldn’t wait to see Thomas when he eventually got home four days later. Despite his promise to go to his flat, he asked if I could just be patient for a little while longer as it was in a bit of a state, and all the time his arm was in a sling, he wasn’t able to get it ready for me.

‘You deserve more,’ he said on the phone. But I didn’t care where we met by then, I just needed to see him.

I jumped up onto him as I opened the door, wrapping my legs tightly around him, breathing him in, not wanting to ever let go.

‘Steady on,’ he laughed. ‘Watch the arm.’

‘I love you,’ I whispered, in between kisses. His mouth broke into a wide grin, and all the pent-up emotions I’d unknowingly held within were released. Like a flock of birds taking flight.

I’d prepared dinner, but knew that our sexual appetite would probably need to be sated before our desire to eat kicked in. Without breaking our kiss, and somewhere between his T-shirt coming off and my jeans being unbuttoned, I guided him into the kitchen and deftly turned down the temperature on the oven.

‘You are incredible,’ he said afterwards, as we lay spent on the bed.

Still out of breath, he lifted himself off the pillow and leant in to give me the softest of kisses. ‘I love you and don’t ever want to be away from you again,’ he whispered.

I felt a knot in my stomach as I realized I’d have to remind him that I was about to go away for five days. I wondered if there was any way I could get out of the school trip. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered throwing a sickie. My yearning to be with Thomas clearly overrode my normally resolute conscience.