The Fastest Way to Fall(28)

His voice was muffled, mouth still pressed near my skin. “I have a thing around eleven. Let’s go to your room. We’ve got some time.” He reached for my hand, still not meeting my eyes. A quick glance over his shoulder showed me it was past ten already.

“Damn, Britta,” he said, standing up and not seeming to notice I wasn’t eagerly following. “You have no idea how much I need this tonight.”

Ben reached for my hand again, nodding to the bedroom, but I countered, trying to pull him back to the couch. “Let’s take our time.”

I wanted it to be better than that first kiss. I wanted sunshine and fireworks and maybe a few minutes of pleasure in this whole thing. He sat close to me and tried to kiss my neck again, but I leaned away.

“I promised some friends I’d meet them later, but we have twenty minutes or so.”

I squashed the bubbling disappointment. “I thought you might want to stay for a while.”

He grimaced before sitting up in the chair and leaning forward. “Nah. It’s good to know you’re down for this, though. I always thought you were a little more uptight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hooking up. Friends with bennies. Casual.”

Okay, couch, you can swallow me up at any moment.

“I’m . . . not down for that.” My voice wavered, but I was determined to be honest. New Britta was bold and danced with seventy-year-old badasses. “I mean, I like you a lot.”

“Oh, Britt.” A serious expression fell into the lines of his half smile, and he dropped my hand. “No. This is fun. I love your tits, and I definitely want your mouth on me. I’d love to play around more; you’re cool as hell. You know that TV is so image conscious, though, and you’re not the girl I’m expected to be with. It sucks, but that’s life in the spotlight, you know?”

Every bit of pride for the muscle I’d built and the milestones I’d reached deflated in that moment, and I was seventeen again, sitting there like a fool.

“Sorry you took it the wrong way, but we’re still good, right?” Ben stood but held out his fist for me to bump. “Down for a little more fun before I go, though?”

I stared at him, my heart unwilling to accept the words my brain was processing, and shook my head.

He didn’t seem to notice that I didn’t meet his fist. “You’re right. No time, anyway. I’ll let myself out.” He winked and patted my shoulder before striding to the door. “Thanks for dinner and . . . everything else. I’ll talk to you later.” He waved over his shoulder and pulled the door closed behind him.

I sat in the silence of my apartment, the smell of Ben’s cologne and the aromas of the curry dinner we’d shared swirling around me, and tears welled in my eyes.





20





“YOU’RE ALIVE.” PEARL handed me a pile of messages and eyed me when I walked into work. “What do you need, Wes? A stiff drink?”

It had been a long week, beginning with Mom getting arrested for possession again and then spent dealing with the fallout. She wasn’t happy about the house arrest my lawyer had negotiated to keep her out of jail. I looked up from the messages. “Thanks, Pearl. I’m good. I had to cancel some meetings about the kids’ program. Could you reschedule those?”

“Already done. You’ve got a free hour and then a call with the coaching supervisors. The prep is on your desk. After that, you’re going to finalize the high school program curriculum with Quinn, and you’ll spend most of the afternoon reviewing plans for the new videos before they go live to make sure they meet your standards.”

“You filled the day with my favorite things.”

“Just worked out that way.” Pearl raised one shoulder and shooed me toward my office, a small smile on her face. “Welcome back.”

I closed the door behind me and thumbed through the stack of papers, looking forward to my day. I turned in my chair to take in the view. I had an hour, but before I caught up on email, I wanted to reach out to B. I’d told her I had a family emergency and would be offline for a few days, but I’d regretted it, because dealing with everything and not having the distraction of her messages had made it worse. I tapped out a short check-in message and scrolled back through the thread while I waited.

I glanced at the passing clouds and was wondering what emoji combination I’d send her later when Pearl told me I had a visitor.

Before I could answer, Kelsey strode into my office past Pearl and set her coat on a chair. Pearl gave me a wry expression but pulled the door closed when I nodded that it was fine.

“Hey,” I said, standing. Kelsey evaluated my expression, and the good mood I’d been feeling since stepping into my office deflated.

“Thanks for seeing me.”

“You didn’t really give me a choice.” I motioned for her to sit, but she wandered to the floor-to-ceiling window instead, pressing a delicate fingertip to the glass. “What’s up?”

“This view is incredible.” Her breath left a small circle of condensation on the otherwise clear surface. “You guys really made it.”

I loved the view from my office, the city spread out around me, the sky feeling closer. It was one of those what-if things we’d talked about when we started out, laying bets wondering what the future held, but I didn’t feel like a walk down memory lane with her. “So did you. You’re up on the thirtieth floor, aren’t you?” I settled back in my desk chair and kicked myself for letting it slip I knew where her office was. The diffused light from the overcast morning lit her pale skin. I was reminded of things I’d seen in her once, loved in her.