The Falling (Brightest Stars, #1)(101)

“Are you hot?” Kael’s voice was smooth as he put his seatbelt on.

“No. I’m okay.”

He smiled at me and I had to look away. I hated that my guard was slipping and slipping fast, but I felt a burst of relief when he looked at me, head tilted and lips parted. His eyes stayed on me. I could feel them but didn’t meet them.

“What?” I asked him, tucking my chin to my shoulder to hide my mouth.

“It feels good to breathe again,” he responded, and as I turned to look at him, his eyes were locked onto mine. I didn’t know how I could look away.

“You can’t just say something like that,” I teased him softly.

“I thought you wanted answers from me.”

I stared out the window as he continued to drive. “I do.”

Silence passed between us as he turned onto the main street, heading the opposite way from my house. I didn’t ask where we were going.

“Where do you want me to start?” His voice was so calming, so deep and comforting, even in this raw and uncertain moment.

“Well, how many lies were there?”

Kael sighed and the turn signal dinged as he waited at a red light. His eyes were on the road in front of us.

“I didn’t tell you about knowing your dad because when I went there that first week, I had no fucking idea that he was your dad, honest to God, Karina. I didn’t know before we walked in. I didn’t know anything about you. Yeah, I knew he had twins, but I didn’t know you or your brother. I thought you were just Elodie’s friend.”

Kael’s words gave me a hint of reassurance, but didn’t address why he had stayed silent about it for days and weeks after. “You’ve had plenty of time to talk to me and tell me what happened with my dad. But you never did.”

His jaw clenched, but his voice came out even. “At first, I didn’t tell you because you seemed so kind and my history with your dad was really complicated. It seemed easier not to get into all of that. Then we kept hanging out and then I started to—” He stopped as a flash of light illuminated the windshield.

He had swerved into another lane. A horn blared as Kael jerked the wheel to straighten the car and I caught my breath.

“Fuck, sorry.” Kael was looking straight ahead, his hands strangling the steering wheel.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

His chest was moving up and down like he was bursting with adrenaline and fear.

“Let’s just pull over here.” I pointed to a Dollar Tree across the intersection. He parked the car, but kept the ignition on. He switched the music off and turned his body to me.

“Are you okay?” he repeated. I nodded and he sighed, blowing air out of puckered lips.

We sat under the dim parking lot light and looked at each other, barely blinking, before I spoke, breaking the silence.

“Atlanta? Were you really not going to tell me that you bought a house there? You made me look like such an idiot in front of my dad, and you know how shitty that was for me.”

“I just closed on the property, literally the day your dad came to your house. I don’t know how he even knew that, but I had every intention of telling you that day. I came hoping to celebrate with you, actually. Hell, I even thought about trying to convince you to go with me . . . . The house is in bad shape, it’ll take me at least a year to get it ready to live in or sell.”

“Okay . . .” was all I could come up with. Deep down I really believed that he was telling the truth. I didn’t know why, but I just had a gut feeling that he wasn’t lying to me. Not about Atlanta, at least.

I took a deep breath, but kept eye contact. “Okay, so even if that’s all true, what about my dad? And Mendoza?”

“Mendoza is another story for a different day, but just try to put yourself in my shoes, knowing that my friend is deteriorating in front of my eyes and so fucking quickly. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, but I’ve been really focused on helping him get by. Bringing other people into his shit would only make things harder for him. We’re all fighting the same battle with PTSD, but he’s losing, so I tried to keep everything and everyone around him as normal as possible, to help him feel less crazy.”

His eyes left mine and stared at the seat between us. My heart ached and swelled. It wasn’t my place to force Kael to tell me about Mendoza’s mental health. I felt like shit for even attempting to use that against him when this was really about my dad and the house in Atlanta.

“Okay,” I repeated. “And what about my dad? You’re telling me there wasn’t ever a time to tell me from that first day until now?”

“No, there was. And honestly, I’m sorry that I’m such a selfish person.” He rubbed his hand across his chin and pulled at his lips. “I was selfish, that’s it. I knew you wouldn’t want anything to do with me if your dad told you, which I figured he would. So I just kept taking more and more of your time. Karina, I have felt nothing for so long, I started to think I wasn’t capable of caring about anyone this way, so I got addicted to this feeling.”

“What feeling?”

His hand was warm when he lifted it to gently grab mine. He pressed them both to his chest and I felt his heart pounding.

“I’m not even sure what it is, it just feels so good. And I’m a selfish fuck who wanted to keep getting this feeling from you before I left. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really, really didn’t. I waited each day like a madman for the other shoe to drop, for you to find out that I lied about knowing your dad, but each time I saw you, everything disappeared except you and me. I know this isn’t enough and I won’t ever be enough for you, but I just wanted to explain myself and apologize for not doing it earlier.”